Love! It seems like a tricky subject nowadays. Society's veered a bit in its pursuit of embracing self-love. While we were trying to figure out how to be number one on our lists, we got a little confused and quite frankly-selfish, but somehow still managed to lack a healthy self-esteem. What a mess! Here's my take on it all...
1) There's a basic love any decent person holds for all dwellers of planet earth:
This is the kind of love we should hold for any and all living things; It's the desire to see good things happen for all. I may not particularly care for something or someone, but man, I still hope that during their existence, they learn and they grow, and we see their lives come to completion after they've accomplished something they're proud of. I wish them all fulfillment. I hope they all experience an abundance of positive character development. I just really want good things for everybody.
To wish anything different is problematic. When we reach a state of apathy, for anyone, we're basically saying, "I don't care what happens to them, I don't care what they happen to". Disregard for a person isn't just some sort of rebellious act you can put on as a demonstration of how powerless someone is over you. In fact, it's exactly the opposite. When you say, "I don't care what becomes of that person, they're awful and I can't be troubled," etc. what you're actually showing is that you're so weak, you'd allow someone to take away your ability to see the big picture, and to sap all of your energy in ways you don't realize you're allowing. Everyone has a huge impact on everything, but anger/apathy/etc. blinds us to the possibilities of what a person can do. If you're daft enough to believe that any form of anger or disdain isn't actively sapping you, I'd invite you to think again. It's a form of obsession, and it's a nasty one, at that.
2) Friendship Love:
This kind of love has never been one I've had to pine for, and has taught me the most. I have a phenomenal group of friends. I've always been lucky with friendships. However, I'm a person who chases quality over quantity. What I'm about to say is going to sound so conceited, but talk with enough people and I'm sure you'll find it's a common experience! I have too many people who want me to be their best friend, and not enough energy for all of them. For a while, I felt kind of guilty (and to an extent still kind of do) about how many people were so excited about me, yet how uninterested I was in them. I figured out something:
There's a lot of immature people on this planet, people who don't believe in giving out basic human love and compassion freely. Worse yet, there are people on this planet who have trouble perceiving love that's being directed towards them. With a combination of these two problems, we get a lot of people who desperately attach themselves to others who show them the most basic respect and regard.
This led to a common problem in my existence. I'd be kind to people, and they'd be stuck to my side for the next few weeks until I no longer had the will to be courteous and all but boarded my doors and changed my name. I'd say something that I intended to sound like, "If you ever have any sort of emergency or need any ingredients you're missing for dinner, absolutely feel free to knock on my door and I'll try to help you out!" What they heard was, "I WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW! PLEASE, TELL ME THE NAMES OF ALL OF YOUR COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND'S FISH!"
It's important to me that everyone with a social limit know, it's perfectly fine to care deeply that a person be safe, successful, and fulfilled, without wanting to spend an hour or more of your day talking to them.
Friendship love, on the other hand, is my favorite form of love. I'll use some of my best friends and our relationships as examples to paint a picture for you of what that looks like:
One of my dearest, most beloved friends is a girl named Ellie. Ellie and I could not be any more different if we tried. To date, she's one of the very few people I'd ever bicker with. A lot of people might find that odd, or wonder why I'd consider her a best friend if I was willing to argue with her. Coming from me, though, that's a huge deal, and a great sign of love. You see, I know that at any given moment, Ellie and I could be strongly disagreeing about something, and it would be unimportant to literally any other human being and so on and so forth...but if something happened and all of a sudden one of us needed the other, we'd be the first in line to help however we could. Thinking about the friendship I have with her can bring me to quite an emotional place. I'm simply moved by how much we value each other and how deeply we care for each other. I'm so grateful for that girl.
Then there's friendships like what I have with a friend named Anna. Anna and I met in middle school, and have been in and out of touch ever since. The thing I love most about our friendship though, is we always pick up where we left off! Anna's been an amazingly patient and accepting friend, and has been a phenomenal source of knowledge and personal enlightenment for me. We have the same exact birthday, so that's pretty cool too! Our friendship is a reminder to me that people can (and should) go off on their own adventures and still adore each other, miles and worlds away.
Then there are friendship types like what I have with my girls Vianey and Maddie, which I would refer to as "miracle friendships". I have no idea how we became friends. Neither one of us could tell you how it happened or why it works, but it does. In both cases, we had a rocky start. Vianey and I both thought she was going to hate me, and Maddie and I wouldn't have bat an eye if the other had fallen off a bridge (okay, maybe that's a little extreme...but we definitely didn't care for each other!). The next thing you know, Vianey and I are spending every second together. We did everything together, and I do mean everything. I can't stand to be with most people for more than a couple hours at best, but this girl and I were attached at the hip. Maddie and I have become super close, too! I think we found we had more in common than we thought, and we can rely on the other in ways we hadn't anticipated. All I know for sure is I absolutely love those girls, and I never want to live a life where we aren't close.
All of my friendships are so important to me. From the ones where we're constantly learning from each other (Richard, Spencer...), to the ones where we're just here to have a good time and make some incredible memories (NATHANIEL, Josh...) to the most dedicated and loyal lifelong friends (Patch, Mitch...!) and every other friendship in between, they've all taught me that friendship is just about having fun, helping each other out, and growing together.
3) Romantic Love:
Romantic love is a very specific type of love. It's a partnership, and a celebration. In my specific situation, it's a situation of learning and teaching, guiding and helping, while also experiencing and celebrating and praising and adoring. I think we both feel comfortable giving and receiving love in amounts we hadn't felt prior. There's something bold and untamed (on my end at least) in our choices to stand by each other and take care of each other.
I think what I appreciate most about relationships, mine specifically, is the permission I have to just be myself. I'm allowed to care for him however I want, and I can have whatever goals I want and do what I want and be who I want, and he just continues to be so supportive and helps me take steps towards achieving that goal. There's a patience in how we teach each other too, which I believe to be unique to romantic relationships. We come from very different backgrounds and have different expectations and philosophies and such, but we acknowledge that and take the time to make sure everything is blending as it should.
Patience and communication are important, and it's incredible to watch and experience multiple individuals actively desiring and attempting to use those things, to choose each other, having had little to no experience before, trying as hard as they can to be the best they can be for another human being. Isn't that beautiful? Some of us are even coming from backgrounds where relationships have never worked-children of generations of divorce, abandonment, abuse, etc.-yet we still try and follow our hearts and create something magical through human connection.
Romantic love is defiance, I think. It's the act of following your nature, of allowing yourself to love people in ways and for reasons you'd never allow before. I think romantic love breaks rules and opens doors, and can heal and teach and create amazing things.
4) Self Love:
Self love is not now, nor has it ever been or can it ever be, synonymous with selfishness. Selfishness has no love. There's no care or concern for anyone else, and it's insinuating that you're incapable of meeting your needs while participating in life in a healthy manner. Self love looks like taking time to allow yourself to strengthen your talents and educate yourself. Self love is working through the doubt and the insecurities to give yourself something you deserve. Self love is in humility, preserving what's worth being saved, and being open and gentle with yourself. Love and hate can not exist in the same place, much like faith and fear. You have to choose one or the other. The path to understanding and embracing self love is unique to everyone, and it can't be explained as well as it can be experienced. Nonetheless, I'll point out that you'll know you're secure and happy with yourself when you're no longer looking for enemies to hunt or points at which to aggressively assert yourself. People who are anxiously "proving themselves" or looking to pick fights all of the time may sound the most confident and full of themselves, but truly they're the most insecure and out of tune.
