Your intuition is worth listening to.
Our intuition is that gut feeling we get when we're making decisions, relearning who we are, or taking basic everyday inventory of how all of our systems are running. When I was younger, I trusted it like nobody's business! I was determined, and I followed the many callings of my heart. I thrived, and was quickly bestowed various identities like "talented", "smart", "advanced", "considerate", "compassionate", etc. Life was great! However, somewhere along the line, I developed a tendency to be submissive, to put other people and their expectations above my own. One of my greatest fears (which, most assuredly, were realized at some point of adolescence) was to become arrogant. So, I set my own judgment aside and started to follow the counsel of others. This has burned me, terribly so, on many an occasion.
Eventually, I began to get burnt out of pleasing others. Lately, I'd been growing overwhelmed and I've been putting my foot down more often than not. In a lot of ways I'd acted out (which made me feel inadequate, immature, and therefore as though I wasn't justified in my feelings). Confessing all of this to my counselor, I realized that the transformation I was embarking on was healthy, and I was just having a hard time giving up unhealthy habits and thought patterns. Making the choice to surrender to my own intuition, and really allow myself to be in control of my actions was exactly what I needed to do.
Our intuition is a very powerful force, and when fully followed allows us to live full, abundant lives. We chase our passions, mark our spots in the book of time, and become the people we were meant to be. There are so many people in our lives who discourage us to make the choices our souls yearn to, claiming they know better. As well meaning as these individuals might be, it's imperative we stand our ground and live authentically.
You have to let go and let your higher power do their job.
Another issue I have is letting go and trusting God, the universe, whatever you want to call it, to guide my life. In the past, I'd trust other people's judgment calls or allow myself to believe that their version of "Best for Beth" was better than mine. That. Always. Ended. Terribly. So, naturally, I've developed a distrust for any force trying to dictate or create in my life. Despite the fact that just about everything is out of my control, I'd still insist on having full and exclusive creative rights.
Here's the thing, that distrust inhibits creation. If you don't trust God, you disable him from blessing your life in all the ways you deserve. You have to trust. Trust in God, the universe, karma, just the natural flow of life, whatever you believe in. Trust is key. When I recognized that I was clenching the side-rails refusing to move forward, the way to surrender became so much clearer. I'm not saying I mastered trust over-night, distrust can be a hard habit to break (trust me! heheh...). It's possible to relax and go with the flow, though. Just practice letting go.
It's so important to take care of yourself.
I recently faced some pretty big changes. When that happened, my body was panic attack city, and I refused to make it easier on myself. I held to the strictest rules of these changes for dear life, afraid that if I didn't live exactly like everyone else, to the T, I'd be screwing up worse than I could comprehend. At last, I became too exhausted, too worn, and had to take a break from it for a day.
Talking about this and the guilt which naturally followed, my counselors (whom I should really refer to as the Queen's advisors...) pointed out how my number one priority needed to be not subjecting myself to irritants. I needed to care for myself, my mind, my general well being...There was no obligation higher than keeping myself alive and functioning. So, please remember, you need to care for yourself, and allow everything else to fall into place.
Self-harm actually is dangerous, and you'll never see it coming when it gets too bad.
For the decade I've been addicted to self-harm, I never once believed it was dangerous. I mean, I took care of my cuts, I never needed to cut very deep to get the effect I needed, and I was very in control of what was going on...at least until, all of those panic attacks set in. These were some grand scale attacks, the kind I might have experienced once before, but scared me. I didn't always have to turn to self-harm to turn them off, but these ones were too much and I was sure that a new cut would solve the problem. This time though, something had happened that had never happened before. I could not cut deep enough to find that satisfied, peaceful feeling that normally would have followed. This one was deep, too deep. I was in no real danger, and managed to get my wits about me as a new panic at the lack of peace set in. Still, I was mad that this addiction had finally come back to bite me.
If you struggle with self-harm, please A) don't neglect to care properly for your wounds, as improper care of what has already been done can lead to awful consequences, and B) get help! Talk to someone. It's okay if you feel like they don't care, even after they've offered to be there for you next time you get the urge. They'll come to be invaluable in ways I really can't explain. It's also important to note that addictions and secrets are strongest and more powerful than us when they're kept in the shadows.
Recognize your own power and worth.
One of my personal relationships has taken an unexpected, often painful turn. In the past, this person really adored me, and took care of me. They were my greatest friend and we were pretty powerful together. However, without reason, I always felt like a fraud whenever they'd give me praise or demonstrate love for me. I felt uncomfortable, like I didn't deserve their time and love. Somewhere between then and now, they made some powerful decisions which very deeply changed them and, as result, their behavior toward me. In a lot of ways, as much as it stung to feel like I had no value in this person's mind, to feel abandoned and alone and helpless and frankly, damned, it felt right. My counselor helped me recognize that I felt "found out", like my true identity-one of gross paltriness and powerlessness, was being seen.
How could I be insignificant when I had so much love to give, though? I'm the Queen B, and that's not just because my name starts with a "B" and I have a big head. I was given that nickname long ago by some dear, tried and true friends who saw my worth and capacity to lead, love, heal, and teach like a true queen. There's no shame in recognizing and admitting that you are damn significant, valuable, with big dreams and the ability to achieve them all. I needed to recognize what I had to offer, not just to this individual, but to the world. When we ignore or deny our inherent divinity, value, and uniqueness, we bound ourselves to a miserable life that will always lack in satisfaction.
Part of this realization came with the peace of knowing that, regardless of how this friendship turns out, I will receive the love and respect I deserve.
Bottom line:
Week one for me focused on embarking on a return to self. Authenticity is important, and I need to be candid with myself and others. I learned to just trust, and to allow Beth the time, comfort, joy, and peace she deserves. I feel like I've grown a lot already! I only have twenty-three days left with this treatment, and I'm already missing it! I'm excited to see the Beth that comes out of this experience. While I don't expect my life to be perfect, and I definitely don't anticipate all of my illnesses going away completely and forever, I know I'm going to come out stronger, wiser, and wielding more personal power.
Come back for more insight next week!
