1) You can't love and protect a person without letting them in. This was the greatest mistake I think I ever made. Moment of honesty here, I'm a very guarded person. Not that I'm unique in this manner at all, but I'm the kind of person who projects superficial things and makes a big show of a foreign character so that I don't have to bother letting people get to know me. They always end up thinking they're experts on all things Beth, and I don't have to bother trying to explain what I'm really like. I realized very early on that I have an incredibly incoherent view on the world. My senses take things in differently, my mind doesn't function like other people's. However, I met someone who really did have the potential (AND THE PATIENCE OH MY GOODNESS) to comprehend the things that floated around in my mind. I was still scared though, convinced that I had no ability to gauge whether or not a person was safe to let in. Big mistake. We both suffered because I always held him at a distance. Given a time machine, I'd fix that in a heartbeat.
2) Leaving and giving up doesn't always help. In case you missed it, I suffer from severe depression. It's a really exciting mental illness, I wish I had more control over. Throughout the relationship, I'd always felt like my disease was going to kill both of us. He needed love and support too, and I felt like I was just going to make him worse. I had a lot of nightmares about him suggesting a joint suicide in the case that I'd tell him about how suicidal I was. I was also afraid that he'd do to me what I'd been doing to him (aka hiding my disease as it got steadily worse and worse so that we could focus on him and get him better). There was this belief placed in my head that I was a poison to him, that I was bad, and he deserved better. I didn't believe I was a good choice. There were other reasons I didn't think I was good for him too, (I wanted better in-laws for him, etc) and so I made a very hard, very heavy decision. I decided that leaving him would be what was best. I pictured his depression becoming totally resolved and him completely thriving as soon as he didn't have me to deal with anymore. When depression would inevitably win, he'd bring a date to my funeral. He'd be happy. That did not happen. None of it. It just made things worse for both of us, and I'm not sure which result was more painful.
3) Honesty and transparency are key. When you aren't okay, you need to say so. How are they supposed to take care of you the way they want to if you don't let them? I was so scared that he was going to resent me, I was terrified that honesty would make him sicker. There were so many fears I had that prevented me from telling him what was going on in my storm of a world. You know what I should have done though? I should have given him a chance. I should have allowed him to decide for himself if he'd resent me, I should have let him figure out for himself if I was good for him or not. Honesty would have carried us so farther, and with how blown away I am with the love he offered me before, I can't comprehend how loved I'd have felt if I'd have been transparent with him.
4) Love doesn't die. Real love never goes away, let me tell you that much. I've dated many a man. There's plenty of exes still blowing up my inbox, boys who've been chasing me since elementary school (how arrogant do I sound right now?), plenty who've tried to make a connection with me. All the same, there's only one person I've loved and really belonged to. I loved him, deeply. He amazed me in so many ways only he could. Still does. I still love him, and that love has only increased with time. It never went away when I was losing my mind trying to find the right treatments for all of my issues. It has lasted regardless of whether or not we were together, talking, arguing, etc. There is absolutely nothing he could do to make it go away. Nothing. That's the kind of thing you fight for.
5) Forgiveness isn't just healing, it's the key to creation. We've hurt each other so much in the over-half-decade that we've been involved with each other. I can stand here and say I absolutely, freely forgive him. I'd made the decision to forgive him long ago, before there was ever any pain to forgive. I made the choice to see him for who he really was, instead of label him by his alleged offense. I hope that, deep in his heart, he loves me and has forgiven me for the plethora of things I've done to him, too. I can't go back in time and erase it all, regardless of how much I've grown and changed. He has the power to forgive and allow the creation of the future though. We both do. That's the most important gift anyone will ever have.
6) Devotion is powerful. I chose him, and I still do, every time. My heart always stood by him, and my mind would always wander back, even when we hadn't spoken in a long time. I even told guys I'd dated for a period after him about how great and important he was, and how much he meant to me. Crazy? Definitely. What can I say, though? I committed, and when I commit, I follow through. Devotion isn't stupid, by the way. Not when the person wants nothing but the best for you and is devoted to you, too. Regardless of anything else, devotion is the power that reminds you of the love you have for each other, it's a glorious glue.
7) Fear is your biggest enemy. Fear is a liar. Fear is the opposite of love, it's the bane of honesty, it's the enemy of forgiveness, and it's the inhibitor of devotion. By all means, we have to overcome it and be stronger than our imaginations. We all deserve better than to live a life where we are controlled by the things we don't have control over, and runaway imaginations. Do not let fear win.
To the person this article pertains to,
What a history we have, rich in peaks and valleys! Nothing can change the past for either of us, can it? No matter, I'm so grateful for the love that exists between the both of us. I'm grateful for you. You've completely changed my life, for the better, and I can't thank you enough. You're a big part of me, someone I will always respect and cherish. I love you so much, always. Whatever happens from here on out, I hope you know how much you mean to me. I will always think of you as my other half, a source of love and understanding and compassion and patience and forgiveness and strength and comfort and protection. Thank you for everything.
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