Jealousy and Self-Identity

       FOREWARNING: This was written on my phone, and therefore is prone to a lot of overseen typos. Please, forgive them!

       Jealousy. This isn't an emotion I've had a whole lot of experience with, so writing on this, I do feel a bit out of place. However, I'm going to try my best to write about what it is and how to get through it.

       To define "jealousy", it is-in short, the perception of and resentment towards a rival. In many ways, it's an individual naming an object of their heart (a job, dress, and in some cases, person) "theirs", and feeling the frantic and desperate need to defend it and prevent anyone else from having it. Jealousy isn't a healthy feeling, nor is it conducive to success.

       Now, my first plan to talk about how to put jealousy in the past was to explain a step-by-step process in no longer obsessing on a subject and feeling ownership of it. That said, I've never really personally dealt with this emotion in any moderate to severe case. I didn't think that method appropriate. Instead, I've decided to paint a picture of how I think, in hopes that the "show, don't tell method" might make for a more genuine and educational read.

       1) Self-Identity. I think a lot of jealousy comes from how we identify ourselves. How do we want to be perceived?
       In my experience, I've had a lot of opportunities to be jealous of nearly every other female on this planet. You see, I hear all the time about how attractive all these other girls are. Most often, they get daily compliments on plenty of aspects of their physical appearance. Me? Up until VERY recently (I'm talking this very week!), I've never really received any comment one way or the other on how I look. I hadn't thought about it until tonight. I don't identify as a pretty person! Please don't mistake me for calling myself ugly or haggard. This isn't to demean myself. I just mean, when I think to answer the question "who is Elisabeth Dawn Reilley", the first words to come to mind are "capable", "loyal", "creative", etc. I think about how many different times I've planned trips to Romania and Spain and Ireland. I think of how my dream vacation would be distant and solitary. Memories of English classes where little-to-no-effort was put forth because words seemed to magically put themselves on papers for me play over and over in my mind's eye. While other girls talk about wanting to get married and have families soon, I want to write and finish my education, and the family can come when it comes. That's who I am.
       These other girls ARE pretty! That is a worthy and fine compliment to receive. I can't express with passion how perfectly decent of a compliment/element of self-definition that is, but it is just as good as anything else. These girls with other goals than mine are no less respectable or capable or womanly. We are simply different. So I don't feel jealousy when they are reaching goals of dates or men flock to compliment them. That's their thing. I'm preoccupied with mine.
        Briefly, let me express that we all need to take a brief personal inventory from time to time to assure that we define ourselves by healthy things. While my grades and writing and friendships are important to me, I will never be defined by how rich my friends are, how famous my works get in comparison to Shel Silverstein, and so on. We should not base any or all of our worth on whether or not we have a relationship or get particular compliments or other shallow things.

       2) What you think about, you bring about. We live in a reality where perception is everything. If you're starting off your day thinking about how your happiness is in danger of being stolen, that's exactly what you will see happen. We have a lot more say than most people realize about what our reality will be.
       Choose right now, what you want to be. Do you want to be happy? What is that like to be happy? How does that feel? Satisfied with where you are now? Hopeful for the future? Do you feel faithful, like something great is going to happen, because it's been promised? What would a happy (insert name here) do?
       What are you not allowing yourself to do now that you would otherwise be doing if you were happy? Do that thing. Build yourself. Welcome in all opportunities and blessings you get with gratitude. Even let yourself be grateful now for that which is to come! Just let yourself off the hook and celebrate your life!
       Whether you have a significant other, brand new clothes, a million dollars, you still choose whether or not you're happy. Your circumstances will not change who you are on the inside. If you can't figure out how to be happy now before you reach that goal, you're doomed to take that achievement for granted when it comes. No one else and nothing else can save you but your own self. That's the whole point of life. So get with it!
       I recently faced a hard trial. No one really knows about it, and if they do they don't know the severity. Nevertheless, within the same day of receiving the hard personal news, I was still going out with friends and laughing and having a fabulous time. I refused to let this trial take anything more from me. Choose to be happy, and don't you dare let life take you down without a fight.

       3) Regardless of what we think we want to have happen, our life always unfolds in a manner only we could have, which is perfect for us. I could never be jealous of someone else's life when mine is coming together in such an interesting fashion. Who cares what's already happened for someone else, what's around the corner for me?! A new friend? Another successful story? A great burrito?! A cute message left for me on my desk?! The possibilities are endless. I can have so many phenomenal things happen in my life. To be angry over something great happening to someone else when I've got a hundred great somethings happening to me would be preposterous. We all have our own paths to walk. I choose to strut down mine.
       Be confident in yourself. You are a character in a very important novel. The author is going to give you things, people, and experiences that are sopping in symbolism and are significant to you in a way that no one else could truly understand. Focus on the role you play, and do it well. Everything falls into place.

       4) No, it's not right around the corner, it's here right now. Life is short. Things move fast. Before you know it, you'll be explaining to your kids how you met your spouse, or giving an interview on what inspired your latest best seller, or reflecting on your first 6 figure paycheck. Don't live your life feeling like you're just 5 steps from really coming into your own. Identify with your most idyllic version of yourself and maintain the habits that person would have. That's you!

       In summary, it's my opinion that jealousy is caused from forgetting who you are, and forgetting to be grateful. When we choose to remember our value and potential, when we try and comprehend all we are given instead of focusing on the one thing we don't have, everything comes together. If anything has left you dissatisfied, I invite you to drop it, and look forward to welcome what was really meant for you.

        Anti-jealousy challenge: If jealousy and inadequacy are feelings you struggle with, I challenge you to go 3 days without lack. Don't talk about what you don't have or hate. Not even sarcastically! Don't think about it or journal about it. Don't feed it any energy. Instead, replace your thoughts with "I'm so grateful now that I have_". Or "Man, I'm so glad I have this trait". Maybe change the subject altogether. Just shift your energy from "this sucks and I want that" to "this is fabulous and I can't imagine my life without this blessing".

       Life is what you want it to be. You're in control. So, where are you going next?