When I first met Nathan, my thoughts were, "how...on...earth...are we ever going to get along?" and "Does he ever chill down?". I was actually kind of sad about it, because my best friend met him before I did and said he was already one of her most favorite and trusted people she'd yet met. Now? I absolutely adore the man! I think he's one of the truest friends anyone could ever have, and I deeply appreciate him and all of the laughs we've shared. As time has gone on, I've come to realize he has such a complexity about him, and I adore that! It never fails to blow my mind how incredible people become as we spend time getting to know them and experiencing all sorts of crazy moments with them at your side! He's like the Neville to my Hermione!
Sometimes our friendships evolve in reverse. You start out one second thinking they're going to be by your side for the rest of your existence. Before you know it, you realize that's probably not the case and you gain some necessary distance. I've had one friendship where, I thought the other person was the greatest person to ever show up into my life! I could talk to them about anything, and I believed I could trust them with my life. I'd always describe them as selfless and honest and loving. As time went on, some events came to pass and my perspective of them changed. I had to ask myself how, one second I could believe with all of my soul that a person was one way, and the next second have no idea who they were. The best conclusion I've come to is, I wasn't comfortable acknowledging some really great traits within myself, so I projected them onto this other person. That happens.
When friendships dissolve, it might hurt for a bit. I know I look at some people and think, "man, I really miss that one moment we shared". A time will come when you want to tell them something really great about your day, something funny you just saw, or even come crying to them over something that happened, and it will sting like none other when you realize you can't. It's hard when you want to go back, but don't know that they'd even look at you sideways. That. Freaking. Sucks. Do we ever get through it? Well, I guess I'll report back on that if it ever happens! That said, there's a much brighter side to friendships that will last. Some friendships will just persist beyond time itself. There will always be that one person who is just as devoted and excited about your existence as you are theirs. When that happens, it's the best! Going out of your way to get to know people is worth the risk!
2) You won't ever really find yourself if you aren't helping others along the way.
Last semester, I walked a strange line between anti-social and hyper-social. Confusing? Definitely. I had my close circle of friends, aka "The Squad", whom I will always cherish. Being with them, for the most part, made me feel like I was alone by myself, in a good way! They reminded me of who I wanted to be. Apartment 414 felt like home (and still does). We were so close, nothing was going to stop us. We valued each other so much. I was at my home away from home. So, I spent most of my time (every waking second) with them!
At the same time, even thinking about people who weren't regulars to the squad was a chore. I didn't want to get to know my neighbors like I had before. Every attribute you'll find in a Boise-native, such as unheard of friendliness, charity, and deep community involvement, were not to be found within me. I didn't like people! There were maybe five people who were exceptions to this rule. Was I serving strangers at that point? Heck no. Not at all. I was all about me and what made me feel comfortable in terms of who I spent time with.
This semester, I've branched out a wee bit more, and came back around to the more familiar, outwardly focused Beth that I had gotten to know and love some months before. I'm definitely not as socially active as I was before, but I'm coming back around. I'm pleased with the decisions I've made more recently. I feel myself when I'm making others a priority, and not just because I know them.
3) Just because you screwed up today doesn't mean you have to tomorrow.
We are so eager to identify with the bad parts of ourselves. We tend to unite with others because we have common weaknesses. Where exactly is that supposed to get us, though? Recently, I've had a bigger fire lit under my behind to grow and develop and strengthen some of the areas I'm weaker in. I set goals. Did I achieve those new goals everyday? Not a chance! Did I try? Yes! One of my goals is to get to bed earlier. As one of those creative night-owl types with depression, I wasn't expecting one night of success. I did a lot better than expected, but there was one night when I totally let myself down. One of the thoughts that crossed my super sleepy mind as I opened the door to my bedroom at an undisclosed ludicrous hour was, "hey, just because you didn't get it right tonight doesn't mean you're off the hook tomorrow. You can make a better choice tomorrow".
You can make a better choice tomorrow. That means a lot to me. I don't know where that thought came from, but boy am I glad it was in my brain! There's people in my life who try so hard to drop their vices and reach new goals. I've seen dear people to my heart try and strain and struggle and stumble and give up, but get closer every time. I wonder if I said this to them, they'd be able to see how proud of them I am, and how proud they should be in themselves. Who you are today does not have to dictate who you'll be tomorrow. You can choose right this moment to drop your pride, forget any obligation you might think you have to make the same decisions you've been making, and be the person you've always wanted to be. We have the free agency to fight and grow.
4) Just when you think things are over, you find out exactly how much they aren't.
I've wanted to do something very specific for a while, and had given up on it, because my depression was standing in the way. Well, the doctors and I checked the score board, and it would appear that in the competition between me and depression-I'm in the lead! Joyous news. This meant a lot to me. I have to maintain this lead for a while, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to achieve said goal!
Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I considered myself a "former" writer. After the passing of a dear friend, I dropped it altogether. Any dreams I might have had about being an accomplished author were long gone. I didn't pick up a pen or open a blank word document for about three or so years. My identity was pretty frail back then, considering writing was the only talent I really believed I had.
Well, since then I've found some others. Most important though, I picked it back up! One of the things that brought my attention back to writing was actually a parable found in the new testament. After reading the parable of the talents, I remembered what it felt like to put together a story or jot down a song or poem. There's nothing that makes me feel more Beth than writing. Writing was not over for me, not by a long shot.
So, here we are! In addition to three (and a half...?) projects I'm working on in my down time, I've got this blog here, meant to document the many lessons and experiences I have in college, and another blog meant to try and help uplift others and bring the gospel to a nasty, politics heavy, complaint burdened internet. I'm definitely not the best writer, and I can see where abandoning it for so long left me rusty in a few areas. I still haven't trained my mind to focus on what I'm writing and be present with it, and that will come. Nonetheless, it's something I'm glad I didn't bury in my past. Beth wouldn't be Beth without a pen in her hand or her soapbox to stand on.
I'm beyond grateful for the lessons I've learned. Even more so, I will never stop appreciating the people I've been able to learn all of these things with! I'm in great company, no matter what I go through. I'll never be able to accurately explain how much I really appreciate the phenomenal people who have been placed in my life, regardless of how long they stick around and what we go through. Thank you for being apart of this long, unpredictable journey with me.
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