Pure, Unadulterated Depression.

 I don't know how to introduce this topic. I hardly can explain to myself or anyone why I'm writing it. Maybe it'll help the migraine I've been fighting all day. Maybe it'll help someone understand, or feel less alone. I'm not sure if any good will come of it at all, but it's going to be shared, regardless. Here is what I wrote, word for word, during a hard night last night. Here's hoping someone gets some benefit from this. 

(WARNING: I did not edit this. It is very likely that I misspelled somethings or used ill-fitting words. If you need clarification, I will happily provide it!)

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I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. I'm worn. I'm drained. I can't stay awake anymore...but I can't sleep.
This is a common occurrence. Often times I bring up the many excuses I have for not being asleep. I have homework I want to tackle before it's near due, other people need to text me about their struggles (and I don't usually mind helping), or generally distracted by life. I only bring up these excuses because, who on earth is going to understand when I say, "I don't really have a reason for staying up every night, but I know there's this awful feeling in my chest and at night I don't care to keep fighting awful feelings anymore"? Writing about what's happening in my head offers a relief that often is so draining, I'm nearly left unconscious mid-sentence, but it never lasts. I normally tell myself no one is reading, no one cares, or what I'm doing is so useless I might as well just delete everything and turn in for the night. In case you're wondering, it's 2:43 AM, and I'm telling myself that right now. Every night I think about how stupid it is that I love some people more than they love me. Every night I vow to be more silent, more resigned, and to stay away from everyone so I don't bug them and they don't hurt me. I give myself a break and try to think of the future. I picture my future classroom, how I'll decorate it, what lighting I'd prefer. Maybe I'll contemplate what my wardrobe would be like, or how I'd handle particularly troublesome children. I think of how I'll be in over my head as a teacher...wonder if I'll get my degree or be a mom instead...think of how awful I'd be at both those jobs...maybe it would be best for everyone if I wasn't a mom or a teacher, or an anything. Come back Beth. My focus tries to shift to the savior. I know too much, I've seen too much, experienced too much to not know that He is real. I'm told He loves me. Does that really matter when the list of people I love is so few in comparison to His? I've become so wrapped up in being the protector I wish I'd always had...when did I let this seed of anger grow? Did it come in as a traveler on the back of my desires to be worth something? Did pain drag in overprotection, and breed resentment? When I came back to the gospel, it was so easy to change. All I wanted was to take advantage of the chance I'd been offered and to live a life my Savior died for. Now I'm imperfect in so many awful ways. I worry that others will notice and think I need their help. I can't be having that. I haven't earned the help. It's my job to help others. Service is the only thing that gives me value now. I swear if anyone had to love me for me, and not because of what they get out of knowing me, I'd be so alone. Beth, you're so overdramatic. Get over yourself. Shut up. I tell myself nothing matters, but all I believe is that I don't matter. I could be gone tomorrow forever with no warning, and nothing would change. I'm almost stilled by the way not a single part of me protests this thought. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm so tired of everyone wanting my attention. It's not even me they want. This role is exhausting. I'm so far from where I want to be and I can't quite get myself to get back on track. I just want some relief, some blessing that assures me I have a place. Not just Beth, the funny girl with heat in her veins. Elisabeth, the person I was always supposed to be. Does she still exist? Did I kill her with a NyQuil bottle 11 years ago? I've been this disease for so long. Did anyone ever get to see me? Was I dead before I arrived? Beth, shut up. You're so annoying when you get this way. You know this isn't you. You're supposed to be funny and happy and laughing all the time. Now silence yourself. It's 3:05 AM and you know you have to entertain people when you wake up. And you're going to be sleep deprived in the morning, you know people always notice and make comments when you sleep to noon or longer. They don't know what your nights are like. They don't need to know. Just shut up and get up in the morning. God, don't let there be another morning...please...

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  So that's what it's like inside the mind of a depressed person. There's a lot of begging to fall asleep and never wake up. I sit in church and I sometimes find myself overwhelmed and angry, because I have to exist for all eternity when I never wanted to for any amount of time in the first place. I want to stop existing a lot of the time, and feel like I can't even be depressed correctly. I don't know why God created me, and I can't say I subscribe to the belief that we were all created for a reason. Right now, I don't feel I've felt His love for me in a very, very long time.

The line where the depression ends and I begin is blurry at best. Nonetheless, the real me still perseveres. I can't say how much longer I'll have to fight, or if I'm up to the task...but I'm in here somewhere, and I await the day I resurface. I pray for those who struggle like me. I hope they know that they are still valuable. I hope they now someone cares. Above all, I hope they never give up.

Here are some websites/resources you might find helpful if you also battle mental illness:
https://www.7cups.com/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.lifeline.org.au/static/uploads/files/panic-attacks-wfvmmxamhxoy.pdf
https://psychcentral.com/lib/where-to-get-help-for-depression/
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/02/depression?lang=eng