A Fortress of Solitude

       Let me tell you something no one has ever told you before; No one is more entitled to your time than you.

       If you are reading this, it means I've just finished taking time out for myself! At the beginning of the week, I made the decision to care for myself and turn off my phone, ignore all social media, and turn my apartment into a fortress of solitude. Big things were coming around the corner that I realized I needed to prepare myself for, and I needed to take that preparation seriously. This would require complete alone time, uninterrupted by anyone else. Being completely alone is something I think everyone should do every so often, but a lot of people don't know how to give themselves permission to completely turn away from the demands of life and focus on themselves. I wanted to share how I approached this task.

       No one is more entitled to your time than you are.

       The first, most important step in successfully taking time to be alone with yourself is absolutely recognizing that you need to be your first priority. You can't give to others what you don't have. You must take care of yourself so you can go on to take care of others. 

       There may be people in your life who get frustrated when you take an entire twenty-four hours to be completely unavailable. That's okay. If you aren't the key to their salvation or the person they look to for food, shelter, safety, and a strong sense of identity (aka your children), then they can probably figure out how to manage their issues and meet their needs on their own. Your life's purpose is not to be a convenience to others. 

       I did make one exception for this rule of not speaking to anyone, and that was strictly to honor any obligations I had previously promised myself to (like seeing a brother briefly or handling time-sensitive documents). I also made a phone call to someone who was the momentary source of some heart-ache I was having so we could break through that wall and I could move forward. That alone time helped me to communicate clearly and receive what they were saying, and everything went a lot smoother than I think either of us had expected. 

       I see this time in a fortress of solitude not as a harsh silent protest, but deliberately doing what needs to be done with your best interest in mind. If you feel something needs to be addressed, address it. So long as you are able to muddle through all of the suppressed emotions and needs in your mind and get to the core of what needs to be taken care of, you're doing the right thing. 

       How to initiate the process.

       I learned from a wiser woman than myself that social/media fasts were amazing for the soul, but if not executed correctly, were no different than "ghosting" the people you care about. "Ghosting", if you didn't know, basically means to disappear on someone with no explanation. Especially if you have friends who suffer from anxiety or low self-esteem, this can be taxing on them. It's best to explain that your absence has nothing to do with them and everything to do with yourself. It's intentional. If you have a time frame for how long you'll be gone, let them know. If you don't tell them that, too. Either way, it's key to responsibly notify your community that they won't be able to reach you for quite some time. 

       An element I like to bring to this is gratitude. Gratitude is something I try my very best to bring to every situation I can. I let my friends know that they are a huge source of peace for me. Their efforts do not go unnoticed. They are valuable and I appreciate them, so very much. If you're not sure how to go about letting your loved ones know that you'll be out for a while, this is a wonderful approach.

       No one needs to know all of the gritty details. Maybe you're just fatigued and need a breather. Maybe you've been facing some difficult battles and need some time to recuperate. Maybe you have a big decision to make and need to be alone with your thoughts to figure out what to do. Whatever your reason, it's of no consequence to anyone else. It's personal, and if you're having a hard time figuring out how to explain it to everyone, it's probably for the best that you don't. While no one is entitled to your time, no one is entitled to your personal information, either. 

       The environment I created for myself.

       I really wanted to have complete freedom to go through my unique process completely on my own and with no distractions. I wanted to move how I needed to move, say what I needed to say, and just really meet my needs freely and with no regulation. I closed all of the blinds and windows. I locked everything with a lock. I set my thermostat precisely where I liked it. I placed the furniture where I wanted it to be. It was me time, and the energy flow was up to me. 

       I powered down my laptop, but because I knew I had an important call to take that I had already promised to answer before deciding to retreat into solitude, I left my phone on for an hour. The lights were low and everything was comfortable and cool and as I wanted it to be. If you can't make a big shift in your environment, try to create a small nook in your own space that could be a good place for you to just be for a while. 

       What activities I engaged in.

       This was time for me to be there for myself. When my environment was settled and I had established everything that needed to be established, I started to take inventory with myself. I asked myself to put words to my sensations. What was coming around the corner? What wisdom did I already have to help me handle those things? I wrote out my thoughts until my mind was empty. I'm concerned about "X". I know "Y". I can apply this knowledge in this manner. This is what I can do to keep this knowledge at the forefront of my mind. 

       Another thing I did to help maintain the flow of energy was to take a relaxing bath. Being in a comforting (amazing smelling) bath helped me to generate new thoughts. These were thoughts of gratitude and realization of blessings I'd been aware of but hadn't really felt the full weight of. It was pure bliss to recognize how the universe conspires in my favor and how much I really had. 

       I think the greatest thing I had done for myself was to clean my apartment. Cleaning isn't something I'm shy about, but this was a different, more meaningful cleansing process. I was cleaning with an intention. Cleaning my kitchen I thought about what nourished my body and spirit and what I needed to cut out. The living room helped me reflect on how I was living and where I'd experienced backslides and progress in recent times. Going through every room, I tried to see things through the eyes of mother. What enhanced my maternal energy, something I've always felt extremely connected to? If I had a mother in that room with me who loved me deeply and knew me as well as a mother should, what would she be teaching me? I learned so much from that process.

       After I'd retreated within myself some more and reflected on solutions I needed to find and new perspectives I needed to sit with, it was time to turn my attention towards the great minds I trusted to learn from. I looked through old journals and found talks that delivered wisdom I needed to hear. Much of what I learned were things I already knew but needed to learn on a deeper level. The healing truly came when I heard words that gave me permission to continue caring for myself. 

       Finally, I allowed myself to have an important conversation I needed to have with someone. I knew I was hooked on something that was inhibiting my process. We both needed clarity and resolution. The conversation was one I didn't know how to start, and it was difficult at first for me to stay focused on what I needed to say. However, when we grew in understanding of each other, a solution came forward. Being able to let that pressing issue rest, I went on to tackle other issues.

       When you're ready to return to life as usual.

       I think a good time to exit your solitude is when you can peacefully stand in your power. You've addressed concerns. You've uncovered solutions. You've made peace with yourself and developed a strong understanding of key concepts to figure out your path to success. When the concerns have stopped flooding and you feel like yourself again, you're ready.

       Some issues might be bigger than you for the time being or may require a lot of revisiting and continuous work. That's fine! Handle what you can for now and hang tight to those tools that help you remember who you are and how to achieve your goals.

       Remember, you time is for YOU! You get to decide how much you need and what to do with it. 

       Wishing you all of the healing and strength you may need to conquer whatever comes your way. 

A Practical Approach to Conflict

       Welcome to the 21st century, where everyone thinks they're right and no one knows they're wrong. Listen, there are plenty of things to take personally. We should all stand in our truth and have meaningful thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. However, we would all be a lot more productive if we knew when to disengage (and trust me, I am not innocent). When conflict strikes, here's how to handle things in a manner that de-escalates, heals, and could possibly even bring people together:

Leave the ego at the door

       Your ego is your self-preservation system. It alerts you to when things are offensive, disrespectful, below us, dangerous, etc. While ego can be extremely helpful, it can also be extremely troublesome. Hear me now, whether someone agrees with you or not, whether someone knows the extent of your knowledge or credentials or not, whether someone likes you or not, none of those things make a difference in your quality of life. If you are offended by someone disagreeing with you, you need to disengage immediately. If you think less of an individual because they think differently, you need to disengage immediately. If you aren't willing to patiently teach someone, disengage. You can not have a conversation that leads to progress and healing if you are involving your ego; and if progress and healing isn't your goal, then what are you involved for? 

       When conflict is personal, ego needs to be pushed even further out. There are two things everyone needs to keep at the forefront of their minds; Firstly, there is no need to make people wrong just because they've had a different experience than you. We all have different perspectives on the same exact events. What one thing meant to me will mean something completely different to you. Our priorities are different. My code of honor is different than yours. That holds no bearing on who is right or wrong. You must maintain respect for the other person and allow them space to speak their truth and express what they believe. If you can't extend enough grace to the other person to own where they've been, then you are not ready for the conversation. You have a right to your opinions and experiences. So do they.

       Secondly, other people's opinions of you are none of your business. Yes, you read that correctly. That is a sentiment echoed by nearly every person I have ever looked to for spiritual guidance and healing. You don't need to know what I think of you. What I think of you does not take away your access to food, water, and shelter. What I think of you does not rob you of every job opportunity you could ever have. If I think you're an absolute idiot or an absolute genius, it has no impact on your quality of life. You can not concern yourself with the opinions of others. That statement is far easier said than done, especially when you're a perfectionist or raised to earn your parent's approval. I understand! All the same, you need to practice not worrying about other people's perception of you. Stand in your peace.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault

       Responsibility for what happened doesn't have to fall on anyone's shoulders. Who is obligated to do what is not the point. If you want to handle conflict maturely, you need to own up to what you can do now in this moment to fix the problem, engage in the solution, and leave everything else alone. It doesn't matter what you or anyone else should have known or could have done differently. History has happened and rewriting it doesn't erase the reality you are living in. Concern yourself with what can be done. Apologize, make proper amends, and proceed forward.

       So often we get caught up in what could have been. I understand that daydreaming about how different life can be or living in a different dimension where your problems never occurred can be intoxicating. Passing off all of the responsibility for what transpired on another person can feel wonderful when you've been carrying around guilt. None of that is necessary, though. There's no point in feeling guilty or trying to make someone else feel guilty. Guilt has no place in the healing process for anyone. Toss blame aside and become solution-oriented instead.

Stand in your truth

       Being right is never the point of a conversation that is addressing wounds or trauma. However, you never need to put up with being bullied or having others put words in your mouth. Tell your truth. Tell your story. You do not need to have the other person agree with you, but if your story is relevant, it needs to be told and it needs to be told as it truly was. Speak with honesty. 

        Part of being honest is providing evidence to claims. Do not shy away from being clear. Tell the story, tell it with respect, but tell it. 

Learn when to walk away

       You can recognize fairly early in a conversation when the resolution is just not going to be found. Whether it's because the other person likes to fight or you're just not willing to concede doesn't matter. Excuse yourself when the conversation is no longer productive. You don't have to participate in someone else's anger. You don't have to be present for their immaturity. The best thing you can do for your sanity is respectfully declining to continue the conversation any further and move on. You have the power to withdraw your presence from spaces where it isn't deserved. Remember that. 

Exist in a space of grace

       We don't know what we don't know. We are all trying to navigate life to the best of our ability despite all of these unknown factors. The truth is, no one really knows better than anyone else. Sometimes we just make a lot of lucky guesses. We will make mistakes-plenty of them. When we make mistakes, we need to seek forgiveness and do everything we can to learn from them and not repeat them again. Just as we would hope someone else could allow us the space to make mistakes and forgive us when we recognize what we've done, we need to allow those same luxuries to every other person who crosses our path. Be gentle. Be forgiving. Cultivate progress. 

Art featured: A drawing I produced while thinking about this topic.