Welcome to the 21st century, where everyone thinks they're right and no one knows they're wrong. Listen, there are plenty of things to take personally. We should all stand in our truth and have meaningful thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. However, we would all be a lot more productive if we knew when to disengage (and trust me, I am not innocent). When conflict strikes, here's how to handle things in a manner that de-escalates, heals, and could possibly even bring people together:
Leave the ego at the door
Your ego is your self-preservation system. It alerts you to when things are offensive, disrespectful, below us, dangerous, etc. While ego can be extremely helpful, it can also be extremely troublesome. Hear me now, whether someone agrees with you or not, whether someone knows the extent of your knowledge or credentials or not, whether someone likes you or not, none of those things make a difference in your quality of life. If you are offended by someone disagreeing with you, you need to disengage immediately. If you think less of an individual because they think differently, you need to disengage immediately. If you aren't willing to patiently teach someone, disengage. You can not have a conversation that leads to progress and healing if you are involving your ego; and if progress and healing isn't your goal, then what are you involved for?
When conflict is personal, ego needs to be pushed even further out. There are two things everyone needs to keep at the forefront of their minds; Firstly, there is no need to make people wrong just because they've had a different experience than you. We all have different perspectives on the same exact events. What one thing meant to me will mean something completely different to you. Our priorities are different. My code of honor is different than yours. That holds no bearing on who is right or wrong. You must maintain respect for the other person and allow them space to speak their truth and express what they believe. If you can't extend enough grace to the other person to own where they've been, then you are not ready for the conversation. You have a right to your opinions and experiences. So do they.
Secondly, other people's opinions of you are none of your business. Yes, you read that correctly. That is a sentiment echoed by nearly every person I have ever looked to for spiritual guidance and healing. You don't need to know what I think of you. What I think of you does not take away your access to food, water, and shelter. What I think of you does not rob you of every job opportunity you could ever have. If I think you're an absolute idiot or an absolute genius, it has no impact on your quality of life. You can not concern yourself with the opinions of others. That statement is far easier said than done, especially when you're a perfectionist or raised to earn your parent's approval. I understand! All the same, you need to practice not worrying about other people's perception of you. Stand in your peace.
It doesn't have to be anyone's fault
Responsibility for what happened doesn't have to fall on anyone's shoulders. Who is obligated to do what is not the point. If you want to handle conflict maturely, you need to own up to what you can do now in this moment to fix the problem, engage in the solution, and leave everything else alone. It doesn't matter what you or anyone else should have known or could have done differently. History has happened and rewriting it doesn't erase the reality you are living in. Concern yourself with what can be done. Apologize, make proper amends, and proceed forward.
So often we get caught up in what could have been. I understand that daydreaming about how different life can be or living in a different dimension where your problems never occurred can be intoxicating. Passing off all of the responsibility for what transpired on another person can feel wonderful when you've been carrying around guilt. None of that is necessary, though. There's no point in feeling guilty or trying to make someone else feel guilty. Guilt has no place in the healing process for anyone. Toss blame aside and become solution-oriented instead.
Stand in your truth
Being right is never the point of a conversation that is addressing wounds or trauma. However, you never need to put up with being bullied or having others put words in your mouth. Tell your truth. Tell your story. You do not need to have the other person agree with you, but if your story is relevant, it needs to be told and it needs to be told as it truly was. Speak with honesty.
Part of being honest is providing evidence to claims. Do not shy away from being clear. Tell the story, tell it with respect, but tell it.
Learn when to walk away
You can recognize fairly early in a conversation when the resolution is just not going to be found. Whether it's because the other person likes to fight or you're just not willing to concede doesn't matter. Excuse yourself when the conversation is no longer productive. You don't have to participate in someone else's anger. You don't have to be present for their immaturity. The best thing you can do for your sanity is respectfully declining to continue the conversation any further and move on. You have the power to withdraw your presence from spaces where it isn't deserved. Remember that.
Exist in a space of grace
We don't know what we don't know. We are all trying to navigate life to the best of our ability despite all of these unknown factors. The truth is, no one really knows better than anyone else. Sometimes we just make a lot of lucky guesses. We will make mistakes-plenty of them. When we make mistakes, we need to seek forgiveness and do everything we can to learn from them and not repeat them again. Just as we would hope someone else could allow us the space to make mistakes and forgive us when we recognize what we've done, we need to allow those same luxuries to every other person who crosses our path. Be gentle. Be forgiving. Cultivate progress.
Art featured: A drawing I produced while thinking about this topic.
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