Lessons I Learned in Adulthood This Week

       1) The way you view someone today is not how you view them in half a year. That's okay! 

       When I first met Nathan, my thoughts were, "how...on...earth...are we ever going to get along?" and "Does he ever chill down?". I was actually kind of sad about it, because my best friend met him before I did and said he was already one of her most favorite and trusted people she'd yet met. Now? I absolutely adore the man! I think he's one of the truest friends anyone could ever have, and I deeply appreciate him and all of the laughs we've shared. As time has gone on, I've come to realize he has such a complexity about him, and I adore that! It never fails to blow my mind how incredible people become as we spend time getting to know them and experiencing all sorts of crazy moments with them at your side! He's like the Neville to my Hermione! 

       Sometimes our friendships evolve in reverse. You start out one second thinking they're going to be by your side for the rest of your existence. Before you know it, you realize that's probably not the case and you gain some necessary distance. I've had one friendship where, I thought the other person was the greatest person to ever show up into my life! I could talk to them about anything, and I believed I could trust them with my life. I'd always describe them as selfless and honest and loving. As time went on, some events came to pass and my perspective of them changed. I had to ask myself how, one second I could believe with all of my soul that a person was one way, and the next second have no idea who they were. The best conclusion I've come to is, I wasn't comfortable acknowledging some really great traits within myself, so I projected them onto this other person. That happens. 

       When friendships dissolve, it might hurt for a bit. I know I look at some people and think, "man, I really miss that one moment we shared". A time will come when you want to tell them something really great about your day, something funny you just saw, or even come crying to them over something that happened, and it will sting like none other when you realize you can't. It's hard when you want to go back, but don't know that they'd even look at you sideways. That. Freaking. Sucks. Do we ever get through it? Well, I guess I'll report back on that if it ever happens! That said, there's a much brighter side to friendships that will last. Some friendships will just persist beyond time itself. There will always be that one person who is just as devoted and excited about your existence as you are theirs. When that happens, it's the best! Going out of your way to get to know people is worth the risk! 

       2) You won't ever really find yourself if you aren't helping others along the way. 

       Last semester, I walked a strange line between anti-social and hyper-social. Confusing? Definitely. I had my close circle of friends, aka "The Squad", whom I will always cherish. Being with them, for the most part, made me feel like I was alone by myself, in a good way! They reminded me of who I wanted to be. Apartment 414 felt like home (and still does). We were so close, nothing was going to stop us. We valued each other so much. I was at my home away from home. So, I spent most of my time (every waking second) with them! 

       At the same time, even thinking about people who weren't regulars to the squad was a chore. I didn't want to get to know my neighbors like I had before. Every attribute you'll find in a Boise-native, such as unheard of friendliness, charity, and deep community involvement, were not to be found within me. I didn't like people! There were maybe five people who were exceptions to this rule. Was I serving strangers at that point? Heck no. Not at all. I was all about me and what made me feel comfortable in terms of who I spent time with. 

       This semester, I've branched out a wee bit more, and came back around to the more familiar, outwardly focused Beth that I had gotten to know and love some months before. I'm definitely not as socially active as I was before, but I'm coming back around. I'm pleased with the decisions I've made more recently. I feel myself when I'm making others a priority, and not just because I know them. 

       3) Just because you screwed up today doesn't mean you have to tomorrow. 

        We are so eager to identify with the bad parts of ourselves. We tend to unite with others because we have common weaknesses. Where exactly is that supposed to get us, though? Recently, I've had a bigger fire lit under my behind to grow and develop and strengthen some of the areas I'm weaker in. I set goals. Did I achieve those new goals everyday? Not a chance! Did I try? Yes! One of my goals is to get to bed earlier. As one of those creative night-owl types with depression, I wasn't expecting one night of success. I did a lot better than expected, but there was one night when I totally let myself down. One of the thoughts that crossed my super sleepy mind as I opened the door to my bedroom at an undisclosed ludicrous hour was, "hey, just because you didn't get it right tonight doesn't mean you're off the hook tomorrow. You can make a better choice tomorrow". 

       You can make a better choice tomorrow. That means a lot to me. I don't know where that thought came from, but boy am I glad it was in my brain! There's people in my life who try so hard to drop their vices and reach new goals. I've seen dear people to my heart try and strain and struggle and stumble and give up, but get closer every time. I wonder if I said this to them, they'd be able to see how proud of them I am, and how proud they should be in themselves. Who you are today does not have to dictate who you'll be tomorrow. You can choose right this moment to drop your pride, forget any obligation you might think you have to make the same decisions you've been making, and be the person you've always wanted to be. We have the free agency to fight and grow. 

       4) Just when you think things are over, you find out exactly how much they aren't. 

       I've wanted to do something very specific for a while, and had given up on it, because my depression was standing in the way. Well, the doctors and I checked the score board, and it would appear that in the competition between me and depression-I'm in the lead! Joyous news. This meant a lot to me. I have to maintain this lead for a while, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to achieve said goal! 

       Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I considered myself a "former" writer. After the passing of a dear friend, I dropped it altogether. Any dreams I might have had about being an accomplished author were long gone. I didn't pick up a pen or open a blank word document for about three or so years. My identity was pretty frail back then, considering writing was the only talent I really believed I had. 

       Well, since then I've found some others. Most important though, I picked it back up! One of the things that brought my attention back to writing was actually a parable found in the new testament. After reading the parable of the talents, I remembered what it felt like to put together a story or jot down a song or poem. There's nothing that makes me feel more Beth than writing. Writing was not over for me, not by a long shot. 

       So, here we are! In addition to three (and a half...?) projects I'm working on in my down time, I've got this blog here, meant to document the many lessons and experiences I have in college, and another blog meant to try and help uplift others and bring the gospel to a nasty, politics heavy, complaint burdened internet. I'm definitely not the best writer, and I can see where abandoning it for so long left me rusty in a few areas. I still haven't trained my mind to focus on what I'm writing and be present with it, and that will come. Nonetheless, it's something I'm glad I didn't bury in my past. Beth wouldn't be Beth without a pen in her hand or her soapbox to stand on. 

      I'm beyond grateful for the lessons I've learned. Even more so, I will never stop appreciating the people I've been able to learn all of these things with! I'm in great company, no matter what I go through. I'll never be able to accurately explain how much I really appreciate the phenomenal people who have been placed in my life, regardless of how long they stick around and what we go through. Thank you for being apart of this long, unpredictable journey with me. 

Our Callings in Life

       Last night, I sat as Karissa discussed an article she had been reading. It was clear to the other person in the room and I that she was deeply involved in whatever was on her screen. It just so happens that she was reading about women in the sex trade and how the problem is getting worse. While it's a bit unorthodox to be reading these kinds of things for recreation, I don't think anyone was a bit taken aback at the fact that she was so concerned over the topic. You see, Karissa has this capacity to care for others that I find to be rare and particularly inspiring. I've heard it said in my culture that every woman is a mother-regardless of whether or not they actually have children. This woman is evidence of that. She is truly called to be a healer and a leader. Finding out she wants to go into the social work program, I couldn't picture her doing anything else. I love her for how she sees injustice in the world and actively does everything she can to correct it!

       Just moments ago, a dear friend I've renamed "C.S. Lewis" led the discussion in my TES meeting. He commanded attention, asked questions with patience, and I could see that he was interested in what he was teaching us. Man, I thought, this guy is going to be a fabulous teacher. 

       

       We all have so many talents and callings in life. Finding your calling in life isn't difficult. All we need to do is look at who we are and how we tend to want to spend our time. I have a friend who doesn't thin their passionate about anything. Yet, I find them spending most of their time pursuing philosophical discussions, trying to get into the minds of other people, and working on themselves near constantly. Beyond that, they have a desire to serve their community. To me, it's easy to see where they belong in the world. To them, they still have to discover that. The good news is, they can tae all the time they need! 

       I figured out what I wanted to do with my life fairly early in life. I knew when I was quite young I wanted to teach. At first, I just really liked the grading and the white boards and the running the classroom and the keeping track of attendance (all of which I acted out during play time). As I got older, I liked the idea of being able to study what I'm most passionate about and share it with others. Now as an adult, I feel the calling to teach, and I anticipate with enthusiasm every opportunity I'll have to touch the lives of the many students I'll have. 

       We're all so paralyzed nowadays to make the wrong commitment. We're afraid that if we get into something, we won't like it. So many of us won't move forward because we don't believe that we really know what it is we're asking for, if we're really able to live up to the task, or we question whether or not we really deserve what's at the end of the journey we're embarking upon. Those are all valid questions and anxieties. However, why question the calling? This generation looks at the reluctance to commit and follow through like it's a fabulous trait, or a sign of maturity. In all reality, it's a sign of low self-esteem, and we're denying ourselves entry into where we belong. How many of us would be so much happier if we stopped complicating things and just went with the thoughts that were authentic to ourselves. Stop worrying about the "what if I'm not good enough"s and "what if it's not like what I had in mind"s and "I don't know if I'm up to the task"s of the world, and concern yourself with what could go right!

       What if you could change lives for the better? What if your life could be changed for the better? What if you find joy, that strong emotion which transforms even the angriest men into the pleasant kings they all were meant to be. What if you found that one thing in life you've been chasing, or in other words, the most satisfying fulfillment yet achieved? Are those not worth the risk?

       May we all start chasing what makes us happiest, be brave enough to embrace ourselves, and be bold enough to embark on the adventures of the soul, which adventure we all deserve to participate in. 

Pure, Unadulterated Depression.

 I don't know how to introduce this topic. I hardly can explain to myself or anyone why I'm writing it. Maybe it'll help the migraine I've been fighting all day. Maybe it'll help someone understand, or feel less alone. I'm not sure if any good will come of it at all, but it's going to be shared, regardless. Here is what I wrote, word for word, during a hard night last night. Here's hoping someone gets some benefit from this. 

(WARNING: I did not edit this. It is very likely that I misspelled somethings or used ill-fitting words. If you need clarification, I will happily provide it!)

* * *
I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. I'm worn. I'm drained. I can't stay awake anymore...but I can't sleep.
This is a common occurrence. Often times I bring up the many excuses I have for not being asleep. I have homework I want to tackle before it's near due, other people need to text me about their struggles (and I don't usually mind helping), or generally distracted by life. I only bring up these excuses because, who on earth is going to understand when I say, "I don't really have a reason for staying up every night, but I know there's this awful feeling in my chest and at night I don't care to keep fighting awful feelings anymore"? Writing about what's happening in my head offers a relief that often is so draining, I'm nearly left unconscious mid-sentence, but it never lasts. I normally tell myself no one is reading, no one cares, or what I'm doing is so useless I might as well just delete everything and turn in for the night. In case you're wondering, it's 2:43 AM, and I'm telling myself that right now. Every night I think about how stupid it is that I love some people more than they love me. Every night I vow to be more silent, more resigned, and to stay away from everyone so I don't bug them and they don't hurt me. I give myself a break and try to think of the future. I picture my future classroom, how I'll decorate it, what lighting I'd prefer. Maybe I'll contemplate what my wardrobe would be like, or how I'd handle particularly troublesome children. I think of how I'll be in over my head as a teacher...wonder if I'll get my degree or be a mom instead...think of how awful I'd be at both those jobs...maybe it would be best for everyone if I wasn't a mom or a teacher, or an anything. Come back Beth. My focus tries to shift to the savior. I know too much, I've seen too much, experienced too much to not know that He is real. I'm told He loves me. Does that really matter when the list of people I love is so few in comparison to His? I've become so wrapped up in being the protector I wish I'd always had...when did I let this seed of anger grow? Did it come in as a traveler on the back of my desires to be worth something? Did pain drag in overprotection, and breed resentment? When I came back to the gospel, it was so easy to change. All I wanted was to take advantage of the chance I'd been offered and to live a life my Savior died for. Now I'm imperfect in so many awful ways. I worry that others will notice and think I need their help. I can't be having that. I haven't earned the help. It's my job to help others. Service is the only thing that gives me value now. I swear if anyone had to love me for me, and not because of what they get out of knowing me, I'd be so alone. Beth, you're so overdramatic. Get over yourself. Shut up. I tell myself nothing matters, but all I believe is that I don't matter. I could be gone tomorrow forever with no warning, and nothing would change. I'm almost stilled by the way not a single part of me protests this thought. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm so tired of everyone wanting my attention. It's not even me they want. This role is exhausting. I'm so far from where I want to be and I can't quite get myself to get back on track. I just want some relief, some blessing that assures me I have a place. Not just Beth, the funny girl with heat in her veins. Elisabeth, the person I was always supposed to be. Does she still exist? Did I kill her with a NyQuil bottle 11 years ago? I've been this disease for so long. Did anyone ever get to see me? Was I dead before I arrived? Beth, shut up. You're so annoying when you get this way. You know this isn't you. You're supposed to be funny and happy and laughing all the time. Now silence yourself. It's 3:05 AM and you know you have to entertain people when you wake up. And you're going to be sleep deprived in the morning, you know people always notice and make comments when you sleep to noon or longer. They don't know what your nights are like. They don't need to know. Just shut up and get up in the morning. God, don't let there be another morning...please...

* * *

  So that's what it's like inside the mind of a depressed person. There's a lot of begging to fall asleep and never wake up. I sit in church and I sometimes find myself overwhelmed and angry, because I have to exist for all eternity when I never wanted to for any amount of time in the first place. I want to stop existing a lot of the time, and feel like I can't even be depressed correctly. I don't know why God created me, and I can't say I subscribe to the belief that we were all created for a reason. Right now, I don't feel I've felt His love for me in a very, very long time.

The line where the depression ends and I begin is blurry at best. Nonetheless, the real me still perseveres. I can't say how much longer I'll have to fight, or if I'm up to the task...but I'm in here somewhere, and I await the day I resurface. I pray for those who struggle like me. I hope they know that they are still valuable. I hope they now someone cares. Above all, I hope they never give up.

Here are some websites/resources you might find helpful if you also battle mental illness:
https://www.7cups.com/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.lifeline.org.au/static/uploads/files/panic-attacks-wfvmmxamhxoy.pdf
https://psychcentral.com/lib/where-to-get-help-for-depression/
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/02/depression?lang=eng

When Friends Go Through Trials Pt1

       I don't need to say it. The only thing worse than going through something awful, is seeing someone you love go through it. I don't know about anyone else, but my tolerance for pain is much higher when I'm the one afflicted, versus one of my friends. Fairly recently, I had a dear friend go through something that took them a little bit farther than what they were ready for. Are there words to describe how terribly and powerfully I wanted to take away their pain? Had I the opportunity to suffer in their place, I'd have done it faster than the clock could comprehend. Were there a way to take away their memory of some truly horrid events, their mind would be a bright place...and I'd have fallen asleep believing I'd done them a favor.

       We all have to face adversity. It builds character, makes us stronger, even allows us to prove to ourselves that we're as strong as we like to say we are. I look at that friend everyday and yes, I do have to swallow hard and try to move past the bitterness that builds whenever I remember everything they've gone through. A rage and sadness finds its way through my bloodstream when I see them struggling because of the actions of others. That said, there's something very special about this person. They seem to be able to do anything, they have a special compassion, and a fundamental understanding of the most important parts of life that I wish I could match. I hope I'm more like her as time passes.

        This took me a second to understand, and I still struggle to accept it...but we have to let our friends struggle. I know, I know, I hate it too. However, there is something we can do. We can remind them they're not alone, and not forgotten. I'd rather get on someone's nerves by telling them how much I love them all of the time, than ever let them think for a second I was just their fair-weather-friend. We can treat them like we normally would. They're already very well acquainted with the issues they're facing. Our struggling friends don't need our worlds shattered too-especially, not for their sake. However, what they could use is some normalcy. Offer them some part of their life that has some consistency! Who could our loved ones count on, if not us? Most importantly, don't forget to give them your honesty. Let your cards show, when all signs point to defeat. When I had a friend struggling to accept and believe in their self, they came to me in a moment of deep depression. As we sat alone and talked, I heard the defeat in their voice. I felt helpless and desperate to make them feel what I felt for them. I said, trying my best not to cry or break for them, "I would give anything to make you see yourself the way I see you, or feel the love I feel for you". I can't say this statement completely turned their life around. I can say, it felt like some of the pain had gone away. If nothing else, my words absorbed some of the shock of their broken heart, and for that ability I will always be grateful.

       Friendship is what gives life meaning. Were it not for friendship, we'd all be pouting about, lonely, only to rely on our own feeble strength. There will never be a day that goes by, where I don't feel filled with gratitude for all of the wonderful memories I've had with the people who have come into my life. Even when it comes to friends who have come and left my part of the universe, I think of all of the people who've left their mark on me, and I'm absolutely blown away by them. We are all so powerful, especially when we're around the people we love. Let's all keep creating, sharing, and expanding that love. Stay strong for the people you love, they'll have your back too. I promise!

02/08/2017 What You've missed

      Picture this: A random mattress in the living room, glitter pillows thrown about, a huge tub of neapolitan ice cream for lunch at 4:30, a random hand drawn poster of Donald Trump (left over from a great game of "pin the hair on the Trump" from the night before). Morrissey, Elton John, Phil Collins, and White Lies all playing in the background. This is my life. Everyday, I make it a point to spend time with my clan, my squad...my 414 family.
      So far this semester has been a great one! We've grown a lot closer, expanded a lot more, and I think we've all made a lot of progress in our personal lives. The best part though? Definitely the laughs we've shared.

        THIS is what you've missed....

Fights...

Terrifying moments...

Parties...

Long nights...

Heartbreaks (often healed with kiwi loco)...

Cold nights...

Weddings...

And Christmas/Chanukkah!!

       Honestly, I feel like my best memories have been made with these fantastic people. I now that I have grown and become better because of them. I love them so, so much. Now I'm excited to share our crazy moments, ups, downs, and everything in between with everyone and create something to look back on with happiness in my heart.

       Welcome to the Squadling Times.