Week Four: Denying and Defining Ourselves

       Statements that resonated with me 

       "Beth, you have always tried to heal yourself by helping others. It is so great that you are so outwardly focused and compassionate, but that isn't how you take care of yourself.You need to be hearing the things your mind has to say to you. You need to serve and nurture your own inner-being. You are not evil for putting yourself first."

       "It's normal to have a fear of failure. It's perfectly okay to sit there and wonder if you'll ever really accomplish the task at hand, or if you'll ever really become the person you want to be. What's rare is the ability to push past all of that, to walk the path you were always meant to walk. You are significant and talented. You've always known this, always felt it. Don't give up."

       "Sometimes we let people go, not because of their sins, but because of the worthy goals we could never have achieved with them."

      "A lot of people feel obligated to hold onto memories of events that have hurt them in the past, or to cling to fears of what could happen in the near future. They do this because they think these are integral parts of their identities, and because they're so accustomed to this kind of pain, that they're afraid if they give it up the new pain that will come will hurt worse, and they won't be prepared. You have to let go. You are tenacious, with or without the ___ and you are smart regardless of whether or not ___ happens, and if you ever experienced something truly awful ever again, you'd still be a strong, beautiful, talented, incredible woman who can do anything she wants to. "

       "Forgiveness is not saying 'Hey! Let me put my life in your hands after you've hurt me in ways I don't yet comprehend.' It's saying 'Let me take my life out of your clutches and start being myself'." 

     
       These are all quotes from my diary, entries created during this entire healing process. They are not word for word statements from my psychs, but the "aha!" moments my brain opened to. The fact that these were my thoughts made them even more meaningful to me. It was so nice to hear from other people that I strike them as the type of woman who makes things happen, and to realize that I'm the type of person some people look up to. Hearing it from myself, though....that was a welcome experience.

       This is a brief entry, because most everything I gained this week is deeply personal. I did want to share those particular statements with everyone though. It is my hope and prayer that all the people who are reading this can find positive, constructive thoughts like these on a daily basis. Truly, I hope my readers are all a lot more gentle with themselves, loving, accepting, and willing to break negative cycles and become the people they were meant to be.

       Spread love, everyone. Especially, give love to yourself.

       

      

End of Week Three: It's Cool

       Obviously, there's been a big focus on taking care of myself for the past three weeks. I've definitely switched gears and gotten into the habit of keeping my obligations to myself, which feels great. There's been some reconciliation of some things and some dropping of others. Growth has definitely happened! Here are the developments from this week.

       People got the axe. 

       This was almost difficult, because I come from a culture that makes you feel like a monster when you decide not to keep all of your different relationships together. I've definitely noticed that the culture I come from blames the person who walks away and looks out for themselves instead of the person who really screwed up. Nevertheless, my priorities have shifted from "making sure I'm doing right by everyone else" to "make sure I'm doing right by me". 

       I've realized that somewhere along the line, I became the person everyone else wants to force their will on. So, when the pattern reared its ugly head again this week, I made a different choice. I stuck up for myself, and I chose to look out for me, instead of making accommodations for people who didn't care about me but somehow still felt obligated to tell me what they did and did not approve of. 

       Let me say, I'm so glad that I learned that it really is okay to show people the door, regardless of who they are or how you're connected. I don't have to deal with other people projecting their nonsense on me. It's pretty freeing to be able to make decisions like that, guilt free. 

       An Organic Moral Compass Was Formed.

       It's funny how I used to look back at people who looked outward for moral direction instead of inward and thought they were crazy, yet I'd been doing the same thing. These past three weeks, I wasn't told "this is what is right, this is what is wrong". I was simply given a space to think about things for myself. I got to be honest with myself about what I thought was really okay or not. 

       I learned that if it feels good, propels me in the right direction, or makes me feel more comfortable/myself, I should feel safe pursuing it. If it's the right thing, it'll bring me some sort of peace, some sort of yes, this is right. If it's wrong, I'll feel drained, uncomfortable, unfulfilled, etc. 

       Sometimes certain habits, philosophies, etc. really resonate with other people. They'll be so excited about how right it is for them, that they'll fall into believing that because it was so good for them, it's got to . be right for everyone else, too. They might pressure you, or make you feel guilty when it's not right for you, too. It's important that in these moments, we realize that we are unique beings, colorful, alive, everchanging, everlearning, evergrowing, and we will have different needs than others. I have a lot of dear friends who live a very particular way that makes them feel loved, fulfilled, hopeful, healthy, etc. I have another set of friends who live very different lives from them. I live my life my way, and what is right for me is unique to me, and up to me to discover. 

       The Power of a Nurturing Heart.

       There's a couple special people in my life who get to see my loving, nurturing side. Not that I'll ever admit it, but I can be soft sometimes! It's incredible though how...just spending time showing love and care for others really enables me to do the same for myself. I'm so grateful for the person I've had to choose to forgive before they mess up, and has made me decide that I'm going to stick it out and love them through everything and anything, because who they really are resonates so strongly with my soul. I'm SO grateful to the friends who have become younger sisters/brothers to me, and grant me the opportunity to support, heal, advise, and cheer for. These moments where I just get to sit back and listen and support, they prepare me for moments when I have to deal with myself. Hard times have come, and will inevitably come my way. When that happens, I'm so much better prepared to take care of myself, because I've already cared for people who were easier for me to love. 

       The Bottom Line of Self-Love. 

       I think there's a big movement out there to try to comprehend and practice self-love. Everyday, I get a little closer to understanding it myself. What I've made of it so far is, it's looking at yourself through the eyes of your dearest friends. I'm so blessed to have people in my life who see me as a hero and inspiration (in the moments that count, the ones I'm being myself most). They can see the power and beauty I might otherwise be ignorant to. It's rare but so wonderful to find those friends who really want to get to know you and respect whatever they find. Those friends are so good, and I will never stop cherishing them. 

       Love is such a powerful force! It is my hope that all those who are reading this can begin to find more and more love in their lives, and really feel their own power and worth. Every time I hear that the things I'm learning and experiencing are helping one of you, it just makes my day! If any of this has helped even one person, it would have all been worth it. Thank you to all of you who continue to love and support me. You are so loved!

End of Week Two: PTSD and Personal Autonomy, and blue hair!

The Pressure is gone.

       Recently, (like...last night recently) I made a decision that was slightly independent of therapy, but not really. I decided to dye my hair blue! I was expecting to feel shock, or go through some sort of adjustment period, since I've always kept my hair in the "natural" spectrum. Lo and behold, there was no shock at all. If anything, I felt more normal. I felt more creative. This was my first major test in trusting myself and choosing what I wanted over what other people would have me do, and I passed with...shall I say...flying colors? Practicing personal autonomy was a major step in what my therapists and I have now deemed, "reviving Beth", and I truly feel more myself. There's more changes coming of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual nature. I'm excited for the future, and to continue taking steps on my own path, regardless of how shaky they might be at first. 

Social Authenticity!

       I could rant about this for days, I think. So, I'm doing my very best to summarize...for my sake, and yours. Long story short, there will be no more maintaining friendships that are actually pretty awful, no more bending over backwards to make other people feel comfortable, and definitely no subjecting myself to boring conversations so that someone else feels listened to. I'm never sitting through another two-hour conversation where the other person talks about ACTUALLY NOTHING BUT THEMSELVES. Done. No more. Goodness bloody sake, some people are so self-absorbed, and the worst part is there's not even that much to them! 

What all of this has to do with healing from PTSD...

       For me and my particular case, a very specific "trigger" (screw you, everyone involved in politics who gave that term a pathetic connotation when it's such a good description of what happens) is loss of control. In its strongest form, what looks like is I no longer have the ability to do what I want with myself. Like, the other morning I woke up after having a dream that my left arm/wrist/hand didn't work correctly anymore, it twitched and snapped back against my will. Waking up I was pretty heavily disoriented, and the panic was real y'all! Not to worry, after who knows how long of panicking and mourning the days when my hands worked, I realized I'd been asleep and actually tried using my hand again, only to realize it worked perfectly fine. There's a parable in that. Learn it, you'll need it one day. 

       A much less extreme version of that is something I've experienced a lot, and have talked a lot about over these past two weeks; I get told what to do all the time. For a long time, I've just been obedient to everyone else. I was taught not to trust myself, and I was given the impression that I couldn't trust myself, that I was built for self-destruction and if I followed only my heart, I'd end up sabotaging any chance I had at success in any capacity. The peace I feel when I blow off what everyone else does or says to me, and make my body, space, mind, etc. my own though...that's a peace I've been chasing for a long time. I have been very seriously mourning the time I've lost thanks to my submission. There's dear people I've hurt, there's experiences I've missed out on, time I've for sure wasted. All the same, there were big sacrifices made that had to be made for me to learn my own power and value. No matter how sad I may be about what has been lost, I will always honor the things lost for the greater good of my future joys. 

What the future holds...

       It's fire season, and bridges will probably burn. I'll lose some people's respect, I'll upset some people by not being a tool they can use to gratify themselves, some people will be mad that I'm not fluffing their egos...even still some will look on with confusion, because they don't know what it's like to live life in such a way that your soul is fed and your face is just blessed with a smile. A lot of people will feel entitled to know things about me (which they most certainly aren't). There will be moments where they try to exercise their will over mine. I believe most people will have this in their futures, regardless of who they are or what they do. That said, I am appreciating what I am experiencing right now. You may not realize it, but my first barrier has finally been broken; I've finally been able to comprehend that reality of disappointing someone, and I chose to remain loyal to myself anyways.

       Real quickly, I just wanted to address the readers! Every time I post, I get the sweetest feedback! I am so grateful for all of your love and kind words. Truly, nothing means more to me than to know that people I love are learning from what I'm going through. Thank you for always checking in with me and sharing your insights as well. I love you!

Week Two of Depression Rehab, Mid Mark: What I've Learned So Far

       I've already learned so much, waiting for a full week to update would leave all of us just too overwhelmed. Without further ado, here is what I've learned so far...

What it means to really live your most authentic life, freely. 

       There's your iconic Oprah magazine (or whatever) headline. It's a concept I've obsessed with for the better part of my life. Even when I was young, making tacos out of leaves and different varieties of dirt and too afraid to float on my own in the pool, I was asking myself if what I was doing was right. For the longest time, I believed that there were very specific things only a person who was living their "best life", if you will, would do. I learned this week that it isn't about the specific act, so much as it is the inspiration behind it, that makes it authentic. If you want to find yourself and what truly fuels your soul, just start doing the things you like to do. I like to write, listen to a variety of music, and look at things most people never get to see, even if they live right beneath it. I like to explore, but mostly I like to explore people's minds. The things I value most about myself, I don't know how to explain to others in a way they'd understand. Sometimes I think I'm inconsistent, because the sun is really meaningful to me, but I hate summer and my favorite sound is the impact of something exploding out of deep water, and the spray that follows when the droplets are returning. I don't care for spiritual music, I think you can find God in anything if you want to. 

       Sometimes what you believe or what you love changes. Sometimes it doesn't. I've had the same favorite color for a long time. My favorite hobbies have been the same my entire twenty years of existence. The weather I'm most comfortable in has shifted. The people I like have changed a lot, and what I believe changes everyday. I'm a living, breathing, growing, creating person. I'm not static, I ebb and flow. When we just step back and recognize that we've got nothing to chase, just an adventure to experience, I think we feel a lot more complete. 

       Just a thought, but I find it funny that people will run across the whole earth, searching in food and people and art and history for themselves, only to find that all they really had was themselves to begin with. Or in other words, you can do anything to find contentment and feel like you've found your place in the world, but all the materials you ever needed to do that was with you the whole time. Are we meant to be discovered, or activated? 

Somewhere along the line it became easier to think the worst about ourselves than to entertain the thought that we're not actually that bad, and it needs to be healed.

       Just this past Friday, I could have very quickly told anyone about ten things that were right with me, and about fifty reasons why those things didn't matter and how many more things were wrong with me. Sometimes, I get really hopeful that I'm worth something, and then something slips and I'm right back to telling stories of my horrid mediocrity and how I'm not good for much. "Who really needs an author though?" "Yeah, I'm loyal. But what does it matter if no one knows me in the first place?" 

       We did an exercise this week where we had to write fourty (that's a 4 with a 0 behind it, yes) things we valued about ourselves. They could be repeated everyday if we needed, and we could exceed that if we wanted. However, it was important that we write good things. The first time we did this, we reflected on our reasoning behind each of the things we wrote about. I HIGHLY recommend anyone and everyone reading this go and do that when possible. Make a big, bold, unabashed list full of reasons why you're wonderful, desirable, important, unique, etc. We split it twenty emotional/mental/personality traits, twenty physical. 

       Explaining that I thought of myself as a loyal friend, someone who forgives a lot and sticks by her team, was a pretty empowering experience. I didn't feel the need to defend myself. No one else was dictating to me how patient I was or wasn't. I decided what I was, and what I thought was all that mattered. If I said I was empathetic and had a unique perspective, then it was so. It was just so relaxing-no, it was relieving to be able to think something nice about me and just enjoy who I was, with no reservation. 

       We didn't do this then, but we were invite to do something in addition to that list on particularly hard days. If we found ourselves flooded with horrible thoughts about ourselves, we were invited to sit down, make a tick mark for every negative thought we had in a period of sixty seconds, and take note of any repetitive and/or deep-seated negative beliefs we had about ourselves. After the sixty seconds were finished, we'd write down enough positive things about ourselves to outnumber the bad. So, if I caught myself thinking twenty bad things about myself, a good goal would be to focus on thirty good things. After this was done, we'd look over the deeper, tougher thoughts that we were having a harder time of letting go. We'd use reason to disprove them. 

       One of my negative core-beliefs is that none of my redeeming qualities hold any weight or matter much. Sure, I'm creative, but what does it matter? Looking at this thought, I have to determine whether it's logical or not. If it doesn't make any sense, and it certainly doesn't serve anyone, it gets crossed out and I write five-ten positive affirmations to replace it. The thought that none of my redeeming qualities are important is ridiculous, because qualities are qualities. My nurturing spirit impacts people, and so does my tendency to block people out when I'm stressed. Both are parts of who I am, one needs corrected, and that's all there is to it. So then, I write affirmations like...

Positivity is a powerful force

There is good and bad in all of us, what defines is which we choose to feed

We're all on a journey of growth and I'm just as capable as everyone else of improving

I'm reflective and constantly improving because of it

My good traits and accomplishments and strengths are important and noteworthy

Anything is possible.

       If you want something, if you want to be someone, if you need anything, it's all possible. Love is everywhere, and it's the most powerful thing we have. That's not a concept that can really be explained, it's only really learned through experience. It's important that we believe it, and do what we have to believe it.

       I continue to be grateful and humbled by all of the love I've received, in my life as a whole and on this journey. It means so much to me to hear that my experience is actually helping someone other than myself! I can't lie, if I was the only one being positively impacted by this, I might not keep it up. However, to hear that the insights I have gained and raw honesty about my experiences have taught/inspired others is so rewarding. Anything is worth going through if you gain something that can be shared, in my opinion. I love all of you guys, and appreciate every loving word that I receive from you. Keep continuing on all of your journeys and remember, tomorrow is always a new day!