The Pressure is gone.
Recently, (like...last night recently) I made a decision that was slightly independent of therapy, but not really. I decided to dye my hair blue! I was expecting to feel shock, or go through some sort of adjustment period, since I've always kept my hair in the "natural" spectrum. Lo and behold, there was no shock at all. If anything, I felt more normal. I felt more creative. This was my first major test in trusting myself and choosing what I wanted over what other people would have me do, and I passed with...shall I say...flying colors? Practicing personal autonomy was a major step in what my therapists and I have now deemed, "reviving Beth", and I truly feel more myself. There's more changes coming of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual nature. I'm excited for the future, and to continue taking steps on my own path, regardless of how shaky they might be at first.
Social Authenticity!
I could rant about this for days, I think. So, I'm doing my very best to summarize...for my sake, and yours. Long story short, there will be no more maintaining friendships that are actually pretty awful, no more bending over backwards to make other people feel comfortable, and definitely no subjecting myself to boring conversations so that someone else feels listened to. I'm never sitting through another two-hour conversation where the other person talks about ACTUALLY NOTHING BUT THEMSELVES. Done. No more. Goodness bloody sake, some people are so self-absorbed, and the worst part is there's not even that much to them!
What all of this has to do with healing from PTSD...
For me and my particular case, a very specific "trigger" (screw you, everyone involved in politics who gave that term a pathetic connotation when it's such a good description of what happens) is loss of control. In its strongest form, what looks like is I no longer have the ability to do what I want with myself. Like, the other morning I woke up after having a dream that my left arm/wrist/hand didn't work correctly anymore, it twitched and snapped back against my will. Waking up I was pretty heavily disoriented, and the panic was real y'all! Not to worry, after who knows how long of panicking and mourning the days when my hands worked, I realized I'd been asleep and actually tried using my hand again, only to realize it worked perfectly fine. There's a parable in that. Learn it, you'll need it one day.
A much less extreme version of that is something I've experienced a lot, and have talked a lot about over these past two weeks; I get told what to do all the time. For a long time, I've just been obedient to everyone else. I was taught not to trust myself, and I was given the impression that I couldn't trust myself, that I was built for self-destruction and if I followed only my heart, I'd end up sabotaging any chance I had at success in any capacity. The peace I feel when I blow off what everyone else does or says to me, and make my body, space, mind, etc. my own though...that's a peace I've been chasing for a long time. I have been very seriously mourning the time I've lost thanks to my submission. There's dear people I've hurt, there's experiences I've missed out on, time I've for sure wasted. All the same, there were big sacrifices made that had to be made for me to learn my own power and value. No matter how sad I may be about what has been lost, I will always honor the things lost for the greater good of my future joys.
What the future holds...
It's fire season, and bridges will probably burn. I'll lose some people's respect, I'll upset some people by not being a tool they can use to gratify themselves, some people will be mad that I'm not fluffing their egos...even still some will look on with confusion, because they don't know what it's like to live life in such a way that your soul is fed and your face is just blessed with a smile. A lot of people will feel entitled to know things about me (which they most certainly aren't). There will be moments where they try to exercise their will over mine. I believe most people will have this in their futures, regardless of who they are or what they do. That said, I am appreciating what I am experiencing right now. You may not realize it, but my first barrier has finally been broken; I've finally been able to comprehend that reality of disappointing someone, and I chose to remain loyal to myself anyways.
Real quickly, I just wanted to address the readers! Every time I post, I get the sweetest feedback! I am so grateful for all of your love and kind words. Truly, nothing means more to me than to know that people I love are learning from what I'm going through. Thank you for always checking in with me and sharing your insights as well. I love you!
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