People got the axe.
This was almost difficult, because I come from a culture that makes you feel like a monster when you decide not to keep all of your different relationships together. I've definitely noticed that the culture I come from blames the person who walks away and looks out for themselves instead of the person who really screwed up. Nevertheless, my priorities have shifted from "making sure I'm doing right by everyone else" to "make sure I'm doing right by me".
I've realized that somewhere along the line, I became the person everyone else wants to force their will on. So, when the pattern reared its ugly head again this week, I made a different choice. I stuck up for myself, and I chose to look out for me, instead of making accommodations for people who didn't care about me but somehow still felt obligated to tell me what they did and did not approve of.
Let me say, I'm so glad that I learned that it really is okay to show people the door, regardless of who they are or how you're connected. I don't have to deal with other people projecting their nonsense on me. It's pretty freeing to be able to make decisions like that, guilt free.
An Organic Moral Compass Was Formed.
It's funny how I used to look back at people who looked outward for moral direction instead of inward and thought they were crazy, yet I'd been doing the same thing. These past three weeks, I wasn't told "this is what is right, this is what is wrong". I was simply given a space to think about things for myself. I got to be honest with myself about what I thought was really okay or not.
I learned that if it feels good, propels me in the right direction, or makes me feel more comfortable/myself, I should feel safe pursuing it. If it's the right thing, it'll bring me some sort of peace, some sort of yes, this is right. If it's wrong, I'll feel drained, uncomfortable, unfulfilled, etc.
Sometimes certain habits, philosophies, etc. really resonate with other people. They'll be so excited about how right it is for them, that they'll fall into believing that because it was so good for them, it's got to . be right for everyone else, too. They might pressure you, or make you feel guilty when it's not right for you, too. It's important that in these moments, we realize that we are unique beings, colorful, alive, everchanging, everlearning, evergrowing, and we will have different needs than others. I have a lot of dear friends who live a very particular way that makes them feel loved, fulfilled, hopeful, healthy, etc. I have another set of friends who live very different lives from them. I live my life my way, and what is right for me is unique to me, and up to me to discover.
The Power of a Nurturing Heart.
There's a couple special people in my life who get to see my loving, nurturing side. Not that I'll ever admit it, but I can be soft sometimes! It's incredible though how...just spending time showing love and care for others really enables me to do the same for myself. I'm so grateful for the person I've had to choose to forgive before they mess up, and has made me decide that I'm going to stick it out and love them through everything and anything, because who they really are resonates so strongly with my soul. I'm SO grateful to the friends who have become younger sisters/brothers to me, and grant me the opportunity to support, heal, advise, and cheer for. These moments where I just get to sit back and listen and support, they prepare me for moments when I have to deal with myself. Hard times have come, and will inevitably come my way. When that happens, I'm so much better prepared to take care of myself, because I've already cared for people who were easier for me to love.
The Bottom Line of Self-Love.
I think there's a big movement out there to try to comprehend and practice self-love. Everyday, I get a little closer to understanding it myself. What I've made of it so far is, it's looking at yourself through the eyes of your dearest friends. I'm so blessed to have people in my life who see me as a hero and inspiration (in the moments that count, the ones I'm being myself most). They can see the power and beauty I might otherwise be ignorant to. It's rare but so wonderful to find those friends who really want to get to know you and respect whatever they find. Those friends are so good, and I will never stop cherishing them.
Love is such a powerful force! It is my hope that all those who are reading this can begin to find more and more love in their lives, and really feel their own power and worth. Every time I hear that the things I'm learning and experiencing are helping one of you, it just makes my day! If any of this has helped even one person, it would have all been worth it. Thank you to all of you who continue to love and support me. You are so loved!
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