Personally: The Relationship Series Pt 1, Young Single Adults

     
       Twenty is a fun time. Half of my friends are married and expecting children/parenting little ones, and half of my friends are crying over glass bottles of various drinks (from sparkling cider to whiskey) over still being the most single they've been since preschool. I happen to be somewhere in the middle, where when I'm not reading, writing, or meowing back to my cat, I've been seeing this pretty cute guy. I'm content with how my life is now, and truly have been content at every stage from single to dating to engaged to single again. That said, it seems that now is a good time to be working on our various relationships and remembering to enjoy what we've got. Without further ado, here are my tips for all of my young single adult friends...

       Here's a somewhat aggravating fact:

       I've observed this phenomenon my whole life, and as frustrating as it is for some people, it may just serve a purpose; You never find a relationship when you're actively looking for one. As long as you feel that pining in your chest for someone to text you back and tell you you're the best thing to ever happen to them, it'll never happen. I'm prepared to stand in front of an audience and deem it as a law of the universe. You may find space fillers-people who will take up some of your time, but you won't find what you're looking for as long as you're looking. Yes, a strong, fulfilling relationship is like Narnia. It doesn't show up until you're not looking for it anymore. 

       This is great though! This allows you time to relax, get in touch with who you are and what you want to do, and figure out more of what makes you happy and what journey your life is embarking on. 

       Buckle up and be patient

        I met my current heartthrob as a freshly fourteen year old girl. He was a sophomore, I was a freshman, and he sat in front of me in my debate class. I'll admit, I wasn't single when I met him, but boy did I like him. He was the brooding sarcastic type, and of course I was diggin' it. I remember, especially when I did break up with my boyfriend at the time, thinking about how desperately I wanted him to really notice me and think I was cute and ask me out and so on and so forth. I was so into him. That said, when we met also happened to have been one of the worst years of my life, and the next five years following were tumultuous episodes of me trying to not die. I was so depressed and I had so much trauma to work through, so many expectations to shrug off. If we'd been in a relationship then, it probably wouldn't have gone very well. I needed things I couldn't comprehend, and I wanted someone else to give them to me when I was the only one who could provide it. I'm still working on learning exactly how to do that, but I would have driven him up the wall. Furthermore, having been so young I wouldn't have communicated very well or been as concerned about him and his needs as I should have. 

       This guy would have seen me at some of my darkest moments. While I know he wouldn't have minded sticking around through the hard parts, I'm grateful he wasn't there. Not just because I don't want for him to ever have to deal with that, but because in the long run, I went through it on my own, and I conquered it on my own. On our own is the only way we can actually get through any of our most personal struggles, and it would have only been more frustrating for him to have been so helpless while I worked through it all. 

        This guy is really important to me, and I appreciate him so much. I never would have thought after over half a decade, fourteen year old Beth would be getting that crush of hers. I'm much more capable of being the girlfriend he deserves now, and guess what? Little attributes I discovered in him all those years ago and fell in love with? They're still there in him. The wait was worth it. You never know what's going to happen days, months, or even years down the line. It's so important to live your life with an open mind and heart!

       Love yourself and others wont be able to help but follow suit

       I'm probably my own biggest fan. Like, my love for myself rivals even that of my mother's. I admire myself so much! I am so patient, so observant, brilliant, kind, funny...the list goes on. I don't care who in society ever made you feel bad for having a list of things you really love about yourself, you need to have a list, too. You will deal with yourself for the rest of your existence! You make the decisions for yourself, so take time and care for yourself! 

        You can't love yourself until you've taken the time to get to know yourself. Observe yourself like you would someone you had a big ol' sloppy crush on. What are you like when you're with your friends? Funny, shy, sarcastic...? How do you hold yourself in public? What kind of quirks do you have? Meet yourself and write that list and fall completely in love with who you are in every aspect. If you won't take the time to love you, how can you allow anyone else to do it? Find what you love and then broadcast that stuff in how you handle yourself!

        Appreciate what you have

        I don't say this just because you should be grateful for what you've got and all. Think of it this way; if you're so focused on what you don't have, if all you can think about is how much you wanna be over at B but you feel stuck at A, is that negative attitude going to keep your eyes wide open for you when opportunity comes knocking? If you want to be in the best position possible for receiving love, then you have to be in a positive place. Enjoy your friends, your opportunities, the things you have. Be grateful that you are you, and that you can always improve and change and grow and learn and adapt. When you become so whisked away in all of the goodness in your life that you couldn't possibly be bothered by anything else, that's when it comes. 

       Positivity is key! When you're choosing positivity, everything falls into place. Your number one job as a single adult with goals of one day being in a relationship or even starting a family is to love yourself. Start small by just focusing on whatever you can find that you love, and keep the momentum going! You've got this!

End of 30 Day Happiness Challenge: What I've Gained, What I've Given up.

       

       The happiness challenge was designed not to solve everyone's problems, but to help guide and give an edge to everyone on their journeys to self-empowerment. My goal was to provide others with tools to help them cope with things like anger, anxiety, resentment, loss, and other "big" emotions that can be hard to process. Reading the responses from my readers and talking with a couple in person, I was incredibly grateful to hear just how helpful they were! I'm grateful for all of the moments of happiness and success you all experience, truly.

       I, myself, am very lucky to have become so focused on this when I did. There were some pretty moments that popped up in the middle of this, and I'm glad that in my pursuit of teaching others to be happy, I was able to maintain my focus as well. I absolutely believe that we are all awarded in our efforts to support others with the support we need, ourselves. 

       What I've gained: 

       There's so much I've gained. While newer physical things have popped up into my life, like this cute boy who happened to be my first high school crush is back in my life and I dig it, and I got to be around people who are so dear to me again...but, I think I've gained more emotionally. I've been able to keep focused on what motivates me. I remembered in the heat of the moment that I refuse to be controlled by fear. I've impressed myself with my boldness, and I've continued to come more into my own. 

       I'm so much more confident in who I am and what I can do, now. My identity as a strong, loving, smart, capable, compassionate, nurturing woman has only become more solidified. I'm an older sister, a teacher, the kind of person who's more than willing to spend time sitting and counseling with others. Some of my natural gifts are empathy and seeing things a little more clearly for what they are and how I play into everything.

       This security has relaxed my mind and enabled me to learn so much more. Have you ever run into those moments of relief that you didn't even know you needed? Remembered to relax your shoulders and realized how tense you'd been? That was my brain these past thirty days. I'm no genius by any means, but I'm a pretty smart girl. I'd been so stressed out and mentally paralyzed recently, I felt like I was losing some of my talent and knowledge. I was scrambling to remember words in other languages I'd studied and turning up empty. I couldn't remember some of my favorite fun facts. My advice well was hurting, I'd go to tell someone something and end up overwhelmed and lost in thought out of nowhere. Regaining my footing and focus on happiness and gratitude smoothed all of this out, and I'm very glad about it! My creativity is flowing easier now, and I feel more myself.

       What I've given up: 

       It was not without grit teeth and tightness in my chest that I gave up some of these things. For a small few, there are delicate threads they left behind still in my hands. However, I've given up a few toxic people. I let go of a few particulars on what I demanded out of life when I realized I'm happier with a few substitutes (not to mention safer and smarter and generally all around better). 

       I think that's what surprised me the most, of all of the things I let go of; that whole idea of what it was going to take for me to feel like I was where I really wanted to be. I'd known that one of my many imperfections was that I was still clinging to a couple of ideas of what I wanted out of life. There were very specific things I wasn't letting go of. There's a difference between loyalty and stubbornness, and I'm very aware of which is which, but that doesn't change anything. Going into this, I expected to be happier, but still clinging to all of the same things. It's always a happy surprise to make little bits of improvement, and to really move on from something is a relief I can't even put into words. 

       In short, the moments we take to invite joy and progress always end in something good. 

       I absolutely believe that no efforts are made in vain. Everything will either work out fine, or it will deliver you straight to where you need to be for something that will honestly make you glad you never settled for what you wanted in the first place. I hated hearing that, because I didn't want to hear that there was a possibility that I couldn't have the very specific details I thought were key to me being happy. Let me tell you, for those of you who tense up at that thought, that the only reason particular things don't come to pass in our lives is because it won't serve us the way we thought. Sometimes, our ideas of what will satisfy our desire to feel fulfilled are actually incorrect. Life will always follow the course that rewards our hearts the most, and it's not our job to understand it, only to be grateful. 

       Life is full of adventures. There's so much out there to experience and discover and celebrate. If you ever find yourself lost on your journey, come back to gratitude, and you will find your way again. Everything comes through, you've got this!

       Thank you guys so much for reading! I've got some stuff coming up that will hopefully help us all out and prep us for holiday time with the family! Thank you for all of your support and questions and comments. Grateful for all of you!

Thoughts for Thanksgiving Day

       As the holiday season really takes off, I'm trying to make the most of it. Time really is precious, you know?

       Thanksgiving might have a rather controversial history, but I'm a modern day woman, and as such I have the power to make today whatever I want it to be about. Instead of going the more powerless route and complaining about what it used to be, I choose instead to take it at face-value, and invite it as a day to highlight an emotion I'm invited regularly to enjoy; gratitude and thankfulness.

        For me, I'll be celebrating it with a girl who's become a sister to me, and her amazing family. My early childhood was spent surrounded by people of incredibly similar culture, so having this opportunity really brings the holidays back to life. Upon meeting them all a year ago, it was hard to imagine they were ever strangers to me! They felt like family-immediately. I love coming back to visit, making memories, and hearing about what's going on in their lives. This family togetherness is one I admire, and a model after which I hope I can form my own family. And if I don't get to raise my kids close to Vianey's kids, I don't know what I'll do!

       There are in fact three very significant people who will be missing from this show for me, though; and that would be my three baby brothers, Chase, Christian, and Liam. They're a lot of nitwits! They're my favorite though. Growing up, we were all each other really had. Being close in age (each of us just separated by about two years), we went through similar phases at the same time, and therefore were left with the feeling that no one could understand us like we understood us. We're very close. We keep in constant contact, letting each other know what we're doing, what we need, what we're thinking, and so on. If there are any closer siblings than us, I'd like them to teach us a few things! Not every group of kids turns out as close as we four are, and I count myself incredibly lucky to be able to say through anything, I've got three phenomenal best friends who always have my back.

       Of course, I'd be some kind of crazy to neglect my friends that are family by choice. Some of them have been my friend since the beginning of time, others only recently popped into my life. I think it says a lot about the human condition how willing we are to gather each other up and invest so much love and time and effort into other people. Humans are really incredible that way.
I'm really not a social person at all-I can only handle so many people for so long. Still, I'm happy to spend any amount of time listening to others and helping them figure out their lives or celebrate accomplishments. These people have taught me a lot about myself as they've invited me to teach them.

        Life is so short. Everyday that passes, I appreciate that fact more and more. We can get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget that time is precious and people need to be loved...we lose sight of what is important. Or, we just get so particular about things. We set limitations on ourselves that don't need to be there,. We don't allow ourselves to relax and be happy until something specific happens, but before that's even done we set a new goal and continue to withhold happiness from ourselves. I won't be happy until I live in this place, I can't be happy until I have their approval, I need exactly this much money before I can relax... It's insane, isn't it? Who in their right mind would choose to be miserable because they don't have their dream lifestyle, meanwhile they're living under the same roof as some phenomenal people with crazy stories and enormous potential and big hearts, or have the opportunity to eat something delicious, or live somewhere other people would pay whole grocery budgets worth of money just to bask in for a few days? There's so much to celebrate, so much to be grateful for, so much to enjoy!

       I hope that this Thanksgiving helps everyone get a solid step forward towards allowing themselves to be happier and more grateful. I hope everyone slows down a bit and takes their time to really recognize what they've been blessed with.

       If you are reading this, I want you to look around for the next bit. Take note of the people around you. How well do you know each other? What memories have you made or can you make? What resources do you have that you're glad you don't have to live without? Let go of the stress to be perfect, to have everything, to be everything, and just enjoy the world you've got. Make a list or just quietly reflect on everything you have had the pleasure of experiencing in your life-every time you've laughed loudly with a friend, every time you've had a meal and a warm place to sleep (or anywhere at all), all of the times you've been proud of yourself or someone else. Enjoy the peace you have.

       I'm very grateful for everything I have. There's nothing in this life that's been thrown at me that i haven't been able to turn into something amazing for myself. Even if an experience was particularly painful, I learned something from it, and with that knowledge was given the opportunity to enrich others' lives and support them.

       Readers, thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and support me. It never fails to shock me just how many people take their time so often to see what I have to say. Every time someone contacts me with gratitude for what I said or positive remarks of any kind, I become even more grateful for my lot in life. I hope you all have lives that are bright, filled with love and opportunity, and above all, leave you feeling accomplished.

       Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

30DHC: Day 15 Halfway Mark!

       Before you read! I wanted to briefly note that this post is a perfect example of what it looks like to make a shift in your energy and focus from the negative to the positive. Sitting down to do this, I was in no position to be telling anyone to be happier. However, as I continued forward, my attitude improved and I was able to form some thoughts that are worth sharing. Please, allow yourselves to go through your own processes and take your time going from point A to point B!

       I've re-written this post about five times. It's the halfway mark, and I want nothing more than to write something profound, something inspiring. I'm thinking about the close friends and strangers alike who read these posts, looking to finish them feeling a little more hopeful...but then my attention flows to the one person I know who won't be reading. Focusing is difficult, and I'm in pain from complications with lupus. So I'm going to keep this brief.

       Progress is not a linear event.
   
       Wounds will require you to make many emotional break throughs before they're healed.

       Letting go is something we all can and must do here and there. Just because we let go of something doesn't mean the people who love us will let go of us.

       True love survives all of your changes, forgives all pasts, and makes the most of "now".

       Breakthroughs happen time and time again, and everyday you will gain another reason to be proud of yourself.

       It's perfectly okay to be in love with yourself. in fact, you'd best be, you're going to be living with yourself for...well...the rest of your life!

       Life is great, and we were created to live it to the best of our ability. Give everyday everything you've got, have fun, embrace the love that comes your way, and enjoy everything you have to be grateful for. 

       These are all the things I've personally come to know better as I've made it my mission to choose to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm so truly grateful for so much. I'm grateful for my abundance of best friends, whether they've been there since day one of kindergarten or we've only just connected recently. I'm grateful for memories I've made with the late nights spilling tea with the besties, running around searching for graveyards, laughing until we're on the floor, supporting each other with hot chocolate in hand, connecting and then reconnecting, etc. There's so much love in my life. I'm so happy to have this talent and to be able to help a diverse audience of amazing people as we help each other navigate life and come into our own. Life is so, so good. There's so much to be happy about when you really open your eyes. 

       Thank you for giving me this opportunity to teach, to share love, and to guide. I'm grateful for all of you. Don't forget to share with me what you've come to know, as well as ask any questions you might have! Love to all of you!

30DHC update: Day 11 Emotional Bodies

               The 30 Day Happiness Challenge has opened doors for so many people, myself included! It's always exciting to hear from my readers how their circumstances have improved since making the conscious decision to change their mindsets and shift to focus on the positive. That said, I realize that making the decision to be happy is only half the battle. I wanted to continue to introduce you all to a variety of coping mechanisms, so we all can live healthier, happier lives!

        Physical Pain and Suppressed Trauma.

       It's important to note briefly that trauma can be anything. Something as simple as thinking you were lost forever as a young toddler who lost his mother behind the coat rack, only to find her about ten seconds later, or some sort of severe physical abuse. Both, in the moment of experience, were very intense, and we aren't always equipped with the tools to process these things (tools including permission to feel the feelings the events brought up). 

       I'm of the opinion that the body is highly affected by emotions and our experiences. When we face hard emotions, we don't always allow ourselves to experience them, and we end up holding those emotions in our bodies. Those "knots" we feel in our backs, shoulders, and necks, we say are caused by "stress". Well, what is stress, if not a collection of inflamed emotions we are trying to get around addressing? Think about it, maybe you're stressed about a relationship. Your significant other is being really distant lately, showing little interest in you. They're being secretive on your phone and not supporting you how you'd like to be supported. You're worried (or maybe aware) that they're cheating. What does that make you feel? Hurt, fearing abandonment, maybe feeling betrayed, embarrassed, scared for your future, worried you'll never feel loved and adored and supported the way you did at the beginning of the relationship, etc. That's a lot to feel! You've also got work and friends who are going through their own stressful moments in life, and you don't really "have the time" to deal with that pain right now. Or maybe, you just feel like there's a socially acceptable set of emotions and timeframe to handle the situation, and you rush yourself to half-grieve the situation and then move on. What's the first thing you're going to say in this scenario if your friend asks why you seem so off? Probably something along the terms of, "oh, nothing...I'm just kinda stressed is all". 

       When we're young, we're taught about emotions and what is acceptable to express and what isn't. While most of our parents did their best, they're only human, and exactly zero parents in the history of all of humanity has been able to successfully train their kids in the art of healthy emotion management. Society as a whole gives us mixed messages of what's acceptable to feel and it can really mess us up. So we suppress and suppress until our bodies scream out for some sort of relief. Emotions we never properly experienced as a child stay locked up, and various stimuli and circumstances which we come across later in adulthood irritate those old wounds, and we become jumbled messes if not addressed. What can we do?

       The process

       This concept may seem completely ridiculous, but hear me out! It's worth trying. When these physical pains pop up, we've got to heal them and release whatever is locked up. The way to do this is fairly simple; Step one, find a pain. Could be a back ache, could be sore legs, whatever. Just figure out what hurts. Step two, massage the area in a circular motion (gently and consistently!) while breathing deeply via the mouth (not the nose!). This will not feel comfortable, and in some cases could even be excruciating. It's important to keep going so it can be healed! Step three, go through whatever emotion comes up, and follow it through all of the way. Some of these pains will be easier than others. You may even have random memories from childhood pop into your head! I'll use my own experience as an example of how to do this: 

       Since I was eight years old I've had this excruciating pain in my lower back. It doesn't hurt just walking or going about my day, but it feels like I'm being stabbed by a million knives whenever anyone would touch it, even with the gentlest of hands. I thought it was weird, but I didn't want to say anything, mostly because I didn't feel like I could without getting blamed for something. I still have this pain to this day. The trauma it holds runs incredibly deep, and lives in multiple places. However, after I began doing this exercise over time, it's lessened immensely. 

       The experience of the exercise can make you feel a little foolish at first, but with the difference it makes, you won't care! As I begin to try and massage out the tissues and orient myself with the sharp pains it creates, I'm taken by emotion. This is the unfinished business that area of the body is holding. This emotion is why we're doing this. While my first reaction is to run away from the feeling and distract myself by anything, I take a few deep breaths and focus again on allowing myself to feel the hard emotions. As I continue to explore what the emotion is like, and allow myself to feel the pain and express it, the physical pain dissipates until it is either no more, or much more tolerable. When I've had absolutely all I can take or the pain is gone, I rest my hand on the afflicted area. I ask myself what my hand feels like. Normally, the first thought I have is warm. As I continue to focus on my hand, more positive emotions come. Things like loving, protective, sturdy, etc. I have a quick talk with myself about those emotions, telling myself that I am those things. The physical and emotional pain are not who I truly am. I can experience them, but I can also release them. 

       How this method has helped me

       The first time I tried it by instinct. When I was younger and had some big emotions I had no idea what to do with, I'd always tried to get as much physical pressure on my sternum as I could by an outside source (stuffed animals, books, if you can imagine it, I probably had it stacked on my chest). When I did that, it took the emotions from way too big for me to radio silent, or at very least, easy to ignore. As a teenager and adult, I realized how odd a coping mechanism that was, and opted to just massage it instead. It hurt even though I was being extremely gentle on the area, and it was weird, but I quickly realized that after I'd gotten through the emotions and found some peace, touching my sternum didn't hurt. After years of doing that, I tried applying it to the other pains in my body. Now, I catch myself rubbing my elbow and thinking, "oh, yeah, I remember not letting myself cry during math time back in fifth grade because how difficult it was for me" or massaging my palms thinking, "my guitar honestly should have been protected from my rambunctious brothers, and it really wasn't fair that they broke everything I ever loved, and it's okay that I was angry about that. Being angry about my destroyed stuff didn't make me a bad sister at all". 

       As I've allowed myself to face and experience previously suppressed emotions, I'm more readily available to handle them as life continues. For example, in a previous blog post I mentioned having to say an incredibly difficult goodbye, after which I cried and it was the kind of crying I didn't believe was humanly possible. That moment brought up the same emotions that my lower back carries. If I hadn't have been practicing and releasing that emotion, I'd probably have suppressed that and allowed it to kill me. I'm not going to lie, despite how hard I did let myself sob, I still cut myself off a little short and ran towards every distraction I could, and the hurt did in fact inflame my back pain! Regardless, I worked through it and managed to get better than I'd been before the whole event took place. 

       What's more, I have more of a range of motion in my lower back now, and I don't want to scream every time one of my close friends gives me the good ol' football patdown! My cat can jump on me or rest on my back and it won't make me want to die. Physically, I'm doing much better!

       The reality of it all

        It's so important to get in tune with ourselves and figure out what's been influencing us and our minds and bodies and emotions. We need to get real about what we've gone through and what we need to finish. I'm not ready right now to handle what is being stored in my lower back, not yet at least. So, I'll still be working through that for some time to come. In the meantime, there's so many other things I've been able to cope with, and other facets of that pain I've been able to resolve. 

       Happiness is a result of progress and intention. You have to want it. You have to choose it, and then you have to make yourself happy. While we're on these journeys practicing happiness, we're destroying the monsters that once tore us from it. I absolutely believe that as we continue forward, we won't just be healing ourselves, but generations, both that follow ours and precede. 

       

       It's not too late to start the happiness challenge! You can do it on your own time, learning from my experiences and the experiences of others! I'm so grateful for all of you, and I wish you all of the love and peace in the world, and best of luck in achieving all of your various goals. You've got this!