I don't believe, firstly, that forgiveness serves anyone but yourself (which is kind of the whole point). Rather recently, participants of social media have adopted an aggressive attitude of "never forgive, never forget, forever savage". They associate being bold and fierce with being cold, holding grudges, pursuing revenge, and general negative character development. I know it's easy to fall in step with the ideals and examples of the people who are the loudest and the most colorful in our influence circles. That said, when has popular belief ever really been in everyone's best interest?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive. Forgiveness isn't an invitation to your table. It excuses absolutely nothing. I don't know who started that rumor, but they need to be forgiven, too. Forgiveness is an act of power and strength. Do you know how satisfying it is to take back all of your energy for yourself and really feel how no one else can influence you or your mood? We all talk about wanting to be impossible to mess with, unreachable, untouchable, indestructible. That doesn't come with grudges. Your energy is being drawn to and controlled by the target in a grudge. The moment you forgive, is the moment you take their cuffs off of your wrists. To forgive someone can be very, very difficult. This is especially true when they hurt you repeatedly, severely, and appear to give no regard. Understanding that, this is when it counts the most. What does it matter that you have a right to be hurt and angry when you deserve to feel happy? What does holding onto the pain really, truly do for you?
The first step in forgiveness is to allow yourself to go through the five stages of grief. This process takes a different amount of time, based on who you are and what happened and what else is going on in your life. Some people may go through the sadness and the bargaining and the anger within hours, others days, others years. That's fine. Regardless, allow yourself to go through the process. Every base needs to be touched in order to score the home run. If you're struggling to get to a point of acceptance over what happened (if you're still shaking with anger or moved to your core with urges to get revenge, or still telling stories of how awful a person is years and years down the line) then it would be well worth it to look into seeing a counselor/therapist. Once you reach a state of acceptance, you've already taken your energy and redirected it so that instead of wasting it on a painful past, it's feeding into a healthier, happier present you.
Secondly, be bold enough to unapologetically celebrate all of the triumphs that have become yours due to whatever trauma came to pass. Whatever wins or positive development you've gained, those are yours, no one else's. It's so important that you recognize that not every tragedy comes exclusively painful. Taking inventory of all of the good times gives you some relief, and an opportunity to clear your head. Embrace everything you can.
Thirdly, dare to allow yourself to feel positive feelings towards the person if they're already there. It's okay to acknowledge that the person or people involved aren't all terrible, to understand that the person wasn't being themselves or was going through a hard time and just happened to use you as a punching bag of sorts to deal with their emotions. This is NOT the same as suggesting that what they did was okay in anyway, or to suggest that the consequences coming to them/they experienced are undeserved! This is only a step towards understanding that their actions against you weren't personal, no matter how calculated they may have been. Any responsibility you may claim in your mind for what they did is not yours. They're going through whatever, that's their personal business, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Everyone has the freedom to do what they want to with their circumstances. Mentally ill people can seek help and communicate their needs (I know because I am one!), those suffering issues at home or struggling financially, they can communicate their anxieties and frustrations without taking it out on you. Those who were too afraid of how great they could be, or too cowardly to embrace the future and abandoned you, they could have been brave. None of that, no other scenario, has anything to do with you. Feel that.
Fourth and finally, feel love. Write down 50 things you love, some about yourself, some about life or things you've experienced, some about the people in your life, and anything else you can imagine. Do this everyday, even-especially-when you're struggling to allow yourself to forgive or to move on. Shifting your focus from hatred and feeling like a victim to love and feeling empowered, that brings so much peace and happiness to your day-to-day experience.
I've personally had to practice and experiment a lot with forgiveness. I've had people come into my life and seriously screw me over or make me feel like trash- from abusive boyfriends to family members who couldn't have been worse to me if they tried. I've even had to forgive myself for squandering time I could have been building an empire with. So many people have called me "crazy" or "weak" for forgiving some of the stuff I have...but I think they're insane for thinking I'm going to allow that stuff to live in my body and mind when I only have one life to live, as far as I know. Nothing is guaranteed, and I'm not throwing away my shot for anyone, whether other people understand that or not.
Healing is not linear. Please, don't beat yourself up if you flip flop between forgiving and resenting. Celebrate every win, be patient and honor every loss, and keep doing what is best for you. Feel it out, don't force yourself to pretend to feel something you don't, but don't neglect yourself or refuse help when you need it, too. Also, some people will be forgiven and allowed back into your life every time, like a best friend you misunderstood or a sibling you love to death but struggle to see eye-to-eye with. Maybe eventually, an ex you had a bad break up with years ago. Other people definitely don't deserve to do as they please in your life again, like someone who is a threat to your life or the lives of those under your charge, or people who influence you to make decisions you don't want to make. This is up to you to decide, in your own time. Communicate, especially if you're still wavering in how you feel toward the person. It's completely acceptable to say, "some days I still feel the weight of what you said/did, and I get angry again. Other days I've completely forgiven you. If I seem like I haven't made up my mind or withdraw sometimes, that's what's going on, please respect my space and my process through this." No matter, do what you can do, and be patient with yourself.
Forgiveness is for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment