Healthy Relationships

       The statistics:

       On average, over 12 million women AND men experience sexual or physical abuse at the hands of a trusted romantic partner each year.

      1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men aged 18 years old and older have been victims of extreme IPV (Intimate Partner Violence). 

       51% of female victims of sexual assault reported the perpetrator as an intimate partner, and 40% reported an acquaintance. 

       1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men have reported being stalked and made to worry for the safety of themselves and their loved ones. 

       A child has been a witness to nearly 22% of reported IPV cases.

       30-60% of abusive partners also abuse children in the home. 

        In a nationwide survey, 9.4% of teens had reported being slapped, hit, or otherwise physically injured within the 12 months prior to the survey.

        More than a quarter of male victims of rape had reported having been abused previously at the age of 10 or younger. 

        Nearly 1 in 3 college aged women have reported having been in an abusive relationship.

       What Abuse Looks Like: 

       Warning signs (behaviors that indicate risk of abuse):

• Tells you you are worthless, can't do anything correctly, or otherwise makes you feel incapable and powerless.
• Shows extreme/unreasonable/unnerving jealousy when you're giving time and attention to anyone else including friends, family members, coworkers, etc. This may lead to isolation by means of encouraging you to spend increasingly less time with other individuals, asking you to quit your job, taking your means of contact, intercepting phone calls, etc. 
• Controls every bit of money you have, or takes your money. If married or living in a situation where they are the source of income, they won't give you any money, especially for necessary expenses. If you do manage to buy something, they might take it, break it, etc.
• Pressures you to do things you don't want to do such as participate in sexual/intimate acts when you aren't ready or interested, ingest drugs, alcohol, food, etc, 
• Intimidates or threatens you or does things to demonstrate their power over you, possibly scare you often. 
• Dictates what you can and can not see, do, participate in, etc. Demands that you never make any decisions (personal or otherwise) without their consent, or insists on making all of the decisions for you.
• Displays no regard for your safety, privacy, etc. This may manifest in sharing intimate pictures with friends, inviting guests over at inopportune times, leaving you alone with people you've mentioned having made you uncomfortable before, etc.
• Otherwise makes efforts to control, limit, or discomfort you. Their actions may frequently make you feel fearful, uncomfortable, drained and exhausted, oppressed, and unhappy. 

       Please note: Not all of these need to happen at the same time, or even often for them to be considered warning behaviors. If your partner is displaying any of these signs, or if you are concerned in general that your relationship may not be healthy, please seek the advice of a professional counselor or take the proper precautions to exit the relationship (which will be outlined later in this post). 

       

        Signs of Physical Abuse: 

• Hair pulling, slapping, hitting, punching, choking, kicking, biting, or otherwise inflicting physical pain and discomfort. 
• Forbidding you from eating, sleeping, using the restroom, etc.
• Hurting you with weapons
• Hurting your children or pets
• Forbidding you from contacting police or seeking medical attention
• Abandoning you in unfamiliar places or otherwise attempting to isolate or disorient you physically. 
• Reckless driving while you are in the passenger seat (jokingly or in anger)
• Forcing you to ingest food, drugs, or alcohol (most especially if you have had a substance abuse problem in the past). 

       Signs of Emotional Abuse: 

• Insulting or continually criticizing you
• Acting jealous and possessive, isolating you, or giving you limits as to who you're allowed to speak to. 
• Controlling what you wear and how you look
• Accusing you of cheating, or cheating on you to intentionally hurt you, may threaten to cheat again.
• Threatening to hurt you or your loved ones
• Blaming you for their anger, infidelity, outbursts, abusive behavior, etc.
• Punishing you by withholding affection
• Damaging your property when they're angry or otherwise attempting to demonstrate dominance and control over you
• Telling you you'll never find anyone better, they're all you can get, you're unloveable and undesirable, and making you feel worthless and alone.
• Humiliating or embarrassing you
• Gaslighting (saying things like "I never want to hear you say this again", "you're crazy, that never happened", "you're too sensitive, don't get angry over such tiny stuff" or appearing to forget or dismiss their behavior when approached.) 

       Signs of Sexual Abuse:

• Forces you to dress sexually, or tells you not to wear something because it's too sexual.
• Insulting you in sexual ways or calling you sexual names
• Forcing or manipulating you into performing sexual acts, or making you feel like you owe them. May say things like "sex is how you can prove you love me" or threatening to cheat/leave if you don't give in
• Restraining you during sex 
• Demanding sex when you are sick, tired, or after hurting you (physically or emotionally)
• Involving other people in sexual activities against your will
• Hurting you during sex
• Forcing you to watch pornography
• Trying to pass on an STI, or force a pregnancy, refusing to use protection, etc. May force you to get an abortion or threaten you if you decide to get one.
• Reacting negatively when rejected with sadness, anger, or resentment
• Trying to normalize their demands "I need it", "everyone else is okay with it".
• Performing sexual acts on you when you are in situations where you can't consent such as sleeping, drunk, or drugged. 

        Signs of Financial Abuse: 

• Maxing out credit cards in your name, posing hard inquiries in your name, not paying bills you share, or otherwise doing things to intentionally hurt your credit score
• Living in your home but refusing to contribute in any way
• Stealing money from you or your family/friends
• Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying or delaying your access to it, or preventing you from accessing bank accounts
• Forcing you to give them money
• Withholding money from you or refusing to pay for shared necessities such as food, clothing, medical expenses, etc.
• Forbidding you from working or getting an education, or limiting the hours you can work.

       Signs of Digital Abuse:

• Sending you unwanted explicit pictures and/or demanding them from you
• Steals or demands your passwords
• Constantly texts/calls you and makes you feel threatened or fearful if you aren't constantly checking in with them, or punishes/guilts you for not contacting them.
• Uses any kind of monitoring or spyware to keep tabs on you
• Publicly insults or embarrasses you, or complains about you on social media platforms
• Limits your social interaction or controls your electronic devices
• Sends you negative, threatening, or rude messages/comments

       If you are experiencing any of these abuses, and would like help to safely exit your relationship, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 

1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). Visit thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/ for help in figuring out an exit plan and identifying helpful resources. If you're seeking help for a teen, they can text "loveis" to 22522 for advice from a trained peer advocate. 

       A huge thanks to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for all of their helpful information and efforts in aiding those who are in dangerous and demeaning situations! 

       So, now that we've gone over that, what does a healthy relationship look like? 

       Healthy relationships are the bee's knees, my friends. Relationships should be partnerships in which all members feel safe, respected, honored, and understood. You should feel like a team while being able to maintain your independence. It's perfectly fine to consult each other about things like "do you prefer this color, or that one" "what do you think of this plan" "does this sound like something you'd be interested in doing" "do you have any plans on this particular day", etc. Most couples experience twinges of jealousy here and there, or feel bits of their perfectly human insecurity respond. That said, they never limit or control the other person, or guilt them for interacting with someone an individual might view as "more desirable than me". 

       I can only use my current relationship to paint a vivid picture of what a relationship should be like (I'm not trying to brag, this guy's just a lot better than the abusers I've dated and dealt with in various capacities. I like him. I'll probably keep him!). My boyfriend and I look out for each other, help each other, consider each other when getting food, making plans, daydreaming about our future kitchen, etc. We communicate to the best of our ability our worries, excitement, and so forth. When one of us is faced with a limitation or challenge, the other is by their side, comforting and supporting. Each individual has their freedom to do as they please (we can work wherever we want at whatever schedule we want, visit our family, go on vacations without the other if we so choose...) and interact with anyone they deem tolerable (most days he'll be on his headset with people I have never held a conversation with, while I'm texting my closest friends). When I hear that he's had lunch with two of his female coworkers, I don't blink an eye. When he sees I'm texting a close male friend, he doesn't think anything of it. He encourages me to use and develop my talents, I encourage him to do the same, and we go forward with our lives! There is so much love and respect in our relationship, and i am so, so grateful. 

       It's Okay to Not be Perfect in a Relationship!

       We're all learning together how to be the best partner we can be. Our flaws are improved only by time, trial and error, and experience. That said, we don't need to excuse unacceptable behavior. If your partner is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, have a calm, mature, non-accusatory conversation with them, prepared with alternatives for how they should behave. If you've been approached by your partner with concerns, listen closely, discuss how you can improve, and don't be afraid to apologize or ask for help. Treat your partner with love, respect, and patience. 

       If You Find You're Frustrated:

       Not every relationship was meant to last. If you're angry, sad, or upset frequently in your relationship, it's time to ask yourself what's really going on and what action needs to be taken. Sometimes relationship difficulties can be resolved with a change of birth control or addressing personal health issues, others need counseling and some change in behavior, and some just can't be saved. First, ask yourself honestly what you can be doing to improve the relationship. Especially in cases where fighting is frequent, it's rarely just one person's fault. Take steps to correct your behavior and keep yourself mentally/emotionally fit for a relationship. 

       Secondly, ask what it is you need from your partner. If you want to make them jealous, maybe your real concern is getting praise, attention, and affection from them. If you're constantly instigating huge arguments, maybe you're fishing for passion and an emotional response to you, or confirmation that you're worth working for. Figure out what the real root of the problem is, and then figure out what you and your partner both need to do to resolve it. If you're struggling to identify what it is you need, try writing from the perspective of yourself in the future, as if things changed in the relationship for the better. Write, "I am so grateful for the way ___ does this, this, and the other thing. They show their love for me by doing this, and I know they respect me because they always take time to ___. We're a great team, because we can ___, we always __, and we practice __." If that doesn't jog your memory, try writing down a list of attributes and experiences you'd appreciate from your partner, such as "grateful, patient, kind, and considerate. I sometimes catch them saying sweet things about me to their friends and family, or they surprise me by doing the laundry". 

        Third, research, identify, and utilize necessary resources. Look for counselors, take breaks, whatever it is you and your partner decide is most appropriate. When you pursue help, be certain to put your best foot forward, put it all on the table, and really take advantage of the opportunity you have to heal your connection with someone that's become such a valuable person in your life. 

       Fourth, commit and follow through. If you sought counseling, heed the counselor's advice and adopt their corrective behavior. If you and your partner chose a different path, stick to the action plan you developed together. Communicate openly and mindfully. It won't be fast and easy, and you will probably stumble along the way, but maintaining effort and sticking to your commitments pays off in the end. 

       

       Remember to Keep an Attitude of Gratitude!

       People need to be appreciated. Wonderful things need to be taken for what they are, not neglected and taken for granted. Your relationships will fare far better if you continue to look for all of the positive, happy, healthy moments shared between the both of you, instead of focusing all of the time on the negative. Thank the other person for their contributions, give praise for positive behavior, thank them for their support, and remind them how important they are to you. Keep an eye on all of the great things you've got going for you, both in and out of your relationship. Regardless, keep your head on, trust your intuition, and do what's best for you in your situation.