As someone with quite a line up of diagnoses (PTSD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression), I've had psych meds recommended to me for quite some time, but until recently refused them. When the opportunity came about this time, I knew medication was something I needed to try. I decided I'd make an experiment out of it, and share my honest personal experience with them in hopes to break the stigma in my personal circle or become an example of warning against them (I guess we'll see which one I become).
I'll be updating this post every day for the next 3 weeks! Here we go...
Day 1 Review:
I was so nervous to open the Prozac bottle. What if I wasn't actually sick? What if my symptoms were all in my head? What if my panic attacks were things I brought on myself so I could feel like a more complex, interesting character? What if the fatigue, so severe I could hardly focus on a brief youtube video some days, was actually just my personal laziness? What if I had a horrible reaction to the meds, or they made everything worse? What if I become dependent? So many "what ifs" flurried around in my mind. Still, I had to try. My quality of life without meds was clearly unhealthy. Something had to budge.
The first thing I noticed was I was drowsy, but for once I wasn't mentally exhausted. I could pay attention to my podcasts and actually reflect on their points. I could dive a little deeper into the essays I was assigned to write. My mood was different. I definitely felt a little floaty and the slightest bit dizzy, but I absolutely would prefer the sensations I'd been experiencing on the meds to the constant "I have so much to do today and I want to do them all. I live for doing these things. Why can't I get myself to do these things? Just do it already! Come on!" that would otherwise be floating in my head.
FOOD. Eating was so enjoyable during my first day of Prozac. Most days, while I enjoy cooking and food tastes good, I felt exhausted just trying to get through a meal. It was a hassle to eat, to shower (though ya girl loves showers), to do anything that involved taking care of myself or focusing or anything that really required I be engaged for more than thirty seconds. This time though, eating was, and I quote, "On another level".
Sleeping was better, too. My dreams for months, maybe longer, seemed to escape me. My whole life I've been a vivid dreamer. I could tell when I was asleep or awake, of course, but my dreams were just so deep and rich...until they weren't. My first night sleeping on prozac, while I did toss and turn quite a bit, I finally got lost in my mind again. Boy, did I miss that place.
The symptom that had recently developed and drove me to seeking professional help again was my mental cloudiness. For months, I haven't been able to really feel like I ever woke up. There was a heaviness I could feel in my face all of the time. I was perpetually in this strange space between being awake and alert and conscious and being asleep and elsewhere. It didn't matter how much caffeine I consumed, how cold I made my apartment, how much sunlight I'd received...I could not bring my consciousness forward. Nothing helped. Within what felt like an hour that fogginess was lifted and I felt myself begin to really wake up and come forward.
I will say, I definitely got loopy as the hours progressed. I doubt my brother will ever forget the things I said when we hung out about eight or nine hours after I'd taken the meds. I was hilarious (at least to me!!) but I could feel myself just not being quite "with it". I was definitely happy, though!
Another thing I will note; my schoolwork definitely needed a second pair of eyes to check for confused sentences. I noticed there were times I wrote the same statement rephrased 2 or 3 different ways as bedtime came nearer. My filter that selects how I speak was definitely M.I.A.
Honestly, I declare day one a success. While there are side effects that come with the adjustment period, I have no words to relay how grateful I was for the relief I felt. For the first time in who knows how long, I'd finally seen a glimpse of the real Beth. Traits that I'd remembered I'd had but had not felt the joy of peeked out. God, that was nice.
Day 2 Review:
It seems to take the meds about 20 minutes to hit my system. I get slightly light-headed at first (nothing extreme at all!) and then it settles out.
I find myself pulled between two symptoms when it comes to productivity; On the one hand, I'm getting everything accomplished that I need to without having to talk myself through it. If something needs typed up or wiped down, it happens! On the other hand, I find myself forgetting things. Words don't quite come to mind when I need them, or I walk into a room and forget what I was in there for. Despite the random blanks I draw, I've actually been able to focus a lot better!
During all of this, I've been binge-watching the Golden Girls! Before I got on prozac, I'd simply be smiling at the screen during funny moments. Now I actually laugh. Even when I'm in class talking to my friends, I laugh more and it's a far deeper happiness. My mood is just better!
My biggest complaint about yesterday was sleep. I wake up more frequently throughout the night-like every 3 or 4 hours. I'd like to sleep a lot deeper and more peacefully. Even so, my dreams are still awesome!
As I'm beginning day 3, obviously my body is still adjusting. With that adjustment period symptoms will change! That said, I think it speaks volumes that my quality of life would be lightyears better if these early side effects became my new normal.
Day 3 Review:
Day 3 was probably my worst day yet. I'd had a difficult time sleeping the night before, and I couldn't relax all day. I had a huge headache for the first few hours of the day that also wasn't pleasant.
I'd also developed a bit of a muscle twitch in my left thumb, which occurred about 4 times, each episode lasting somewhere between 13-72 seconds. It was a little startling at first, but it turned out not to be a severe or worrisome side effect.
What worried me was the overwhelming sadness that came over me. I knew that the adjustment period was to thank for this and that it would be over eventually. The scary part was that this sadness had been my "normal" for so long, I'd been adapted to it before the meds. Now that I was receiving help, the darker moments, the sadness, the hopelessness, those emotions that come along with depression had become difficult to face again. I realized I was afraid of getting better. Lows were inevitable, but it hurts a lot more to drop from a 50-foot building (or a state of health and happiness) to rock-bottom than it does to be walking along rock-bottom and trip or stumble.
Things got better, by all means. Starting into day 4 I've come to feel so much better. Still, this adjustment period is really bringing me to terms with just how sick I really have been.
Day 4 Review:
Day 4 could not have been more different from day 3. I was awake, alert, productive, and much more stable, emotionally. While I can't yet say I'm 100% settled (it's only been 4 days, after all) I definitely feel a lot healthier than I have in weeks (and months...and years!).
I'm also sleeping a lot better. I'm staying asleep and have a far more normal sleep schedule. That's really nice!
I still feel anxious when I go to open the bottle. Our society has done a magnificent job of demonizing psychiatric medicine (as well as downplaying the seriousness of mental illness). Every morning I've had to analyze the situation. On the one hand, I'm afraid of the medicine! I'm afraid of developing some sort of dependency or experiencing a terrible alteration to my personality or getting very sick. On the other, I am far more capable of accomplishing all of my goals and living a healthier, happier lifestyle with the prozac in my life. It's helpful! That can't be denied.
The only real side effect I still have is slight drowsiness. It's not a mental fog or sleepiness, I just feel a little "meh" on the energy. I have no twitch in my thumb anymore, no headaches, and words are coming a lot more smoothly.
Days 5&6 Review:
Both days 5 and 6 were super busy days for me! However, I was up and ready and excited to meet the demands of the day both times. I wake up excited to be awake now. It's been a really nice change to go from "I never want to leave my bed" to "I'm excited to get things done today!"
I feel like my timing was perfect on when I started my medication. I've had all spring break to adjust and gauge my energy level and embrace a new (way healthier) sleep schedule. The only side effects I'm dealing with now (they seem to come and go and cycle out to new side effects) is some pretty intense bloating. This is a side effect that medical professionals are aware of but aren't positive exactly how frequently it arises, so it's nothing to be concerned about.
Overall, I feel like my first week on prozac was extremely positive. I generally feel better than I've felt in a long time! While the side effects can be obnoxious, they don't last and the pros greatly outweigh the cons!
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