Pursuing Passions

A Bit About Me

        I have a quarterly event where I watch the lifetime-style movie on J.K Rowling and literally bawl over how badly I want to get to where she is (aka be a well-published author). After I watch any Stephen King film, I have to hold myself while drinking my favorite cider because I know I'm not half the author Stephen is and why do I even try writing if I'm not the best? Also, I'm still obsessed with the things I wrote when I was eleven. 

       I am a mess.

       I'm a writer.

The trouble with it all

       So, I go to write and all is well. I get that rush, that feeling that says "this is all I ever want to do, this is my calling in life, I'm so excited about this story". I write for about two minutes, and then natural selection ala author comes for me, and I am reminded how awful I am at writing, and ask myself why I even bother. 

      A lot of the time, I feel like a fraud when I tell people I write, or when I'm writing. Sometimes, I don't even feel like I deserve to read already written books. Here's hoping my armani perfume can cover up the scent of all of my self-doubt!

A reminder that it's important to go after what you love most

        The fact of the matter is, I'm not a fraud when I go to write. I experience life through my writing. What do I do with my freetime? Write and study other writers. What do I do when I feel like crap about my writing? I write about it. What do I do when I eat a great meal or have a fun time? I write! You know what? I'm pretty good at it too-especially when you compare my (non-existent) math skills to my writing! 

       I would not be (queen) Beth without my writing, and any life I'm living where that isn't the focal point to my day is not a life I was meant to live. 

       I'm only sharing this because I know that most of my peers are at a place in their lives where they are laying down the foundation for what they want the rest of their lives to look like. Some of us are in college, studying what's necessary to have their dream careers. Some of us are nesting and preparing our homes and our minds for the expansion of our families. Regardless, we're all working on ourselves. We all want to be fantastic at something, and in the mean time we are becoming fantastic at something. That becoming process is hard, and often painful. It's hard to be patient. The period between birth and greatness is filled with awkwardness, messes, pain, confusion, doubt, etc. 

       Just trust me, stick with it and keep working with what you have. 

       My fifth grade teacher, Mr. Filsinger always said, "Practice makes permanent". I know I'm not interpreting this the way he meant it, but to me, that tells me that if i keep working at it, I'll always have a spot on the list of writers. I'll always be a writer. That's what I want, more than anything.

The Diagnosis That Makes All the Sense In the World

       Those who know me personally know that I can't eat eggs or onions or else I get really sick (can't breathe, outrageous headaches, nausea, dizziness, etc.), I get a lot of really awful headaches, kidney issues, I get sick fairly easily, I get random fevers, and I even have this wacky joint that gets swollen and juts out of my arm! At first, most people thought I was just a generally sick person, and some even believed I was making it all up! That was fun.

       Recently, my kidneys had been acting up a lot. It was painful, inconvenient, and honestly a bit scary. I'd also had a lot of headaches and I was not down to deal with those during my workday. I ended up getting some tests done at the hospital (ANA, urinalysis, and MRI), and the results actually made a lot of sense.

       The Official diagnosis?

       I have Lupus, and honestly, I'm not even mad! More specifically, I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, the most common variation. This is an autoimmune disease. Essentially, what's happening is my body is attacking itself, because it can't tell the difference between where the enemy (harmful bacteria and such that could kill) ends and I (my cells) begin. This results in a lot of inflammation throughout my body, most notably kidneys, joints, blood vessels, heart, and brain. For me personally, I have a lot of kidney damage and my brain has been rather inflamed as well. I also have a joint in my right arm that has been permanently injured due to the severity of the inflammation. Every part of my body has suffered from damage due to inflammation, the blood vessels and brain being the most inconvenient to experience, but those are my biggest trouble spots.

       How long have I had this?

       Looking back, I started to experience odd symptoms (like random fevers, having a generally lower immune system, aching kidneys, etc.) around the age of eleven. I didn't talk much about them, for a lot of different reasons. It started to become more severe and give me more grief around the age of about sixteen or seventeen, and has become quite a bit more severe now that I'm twenty. To help you understand, I could eat onions fairly safely (though here and there I did have issues) up until the age of fifteen or so. 

       What is to be done...

       On the topic of my weird food allergies, turns out the doctors were wrong! I'm not allergic, those are just foods that trigger the inflammation in my body! Those aren't just normal headaches, that's a lot of inflammation in my brain! So now I have a list of foods to avoid so my body has more of a chance of being its normal self. This includes potatoes. Please put me out to pasture. 

       To help with it all, I've been prescribed a few medications (probably best not to disclose the specifics!) like immunosuppressants, diuretics, and some strong anti-inflammatory meds that aren't NSAIDS. Plus, I get to use a personal aromatherapy device that will help to open up my lungs and ease my breathing when inflammation is triggered there, and I get to use a lot of supplements. 

       When it comes to exercise, I've always made the good choice to never run. With everything going on in my lungs, it could be a bit of a mess to do something in the high impact cardio area. Instead, I should opt for things like yoga, which help to reduce stress and build strength, without causing too many issues for a body that needs a lot of help.

       It's also super important that I keep up on my rest. Lupus patients tend to have less energy available to them than others, and need to take care of that. 

       The damage my kidneys have taken is serious, but I'm not in need of a new one yet! I could probably go quite a few years without needing any surgery, so here's hoping! 

       How I feel about all of this.

       I already miss potatoes. Terribly. Nightshade plants don't always cause problems for Lupus patients, but in my (incredibly unfortunate, take pity upon me!) case, they do. So no more tomatoes or potatoes. Good thing I only smoked socially! (JUST KIDDING!)

       Honestly, I'm kind of excited about the diagnosis now! I feel validated for all of the weird things I've experienced and pain i've gone through. Having the diagnosis gives me the opportunity to find relief, as well as the knowledge of which damaging behaviors I need to avoid that I never realized were hurting me before. I've been given directions on where to go to feel healthy again!

       I am a little nervous about the brain inflammation bit. Those headaches are atrocious, and knowing that it puts me at a higher risk for a stroke is scary. Strokes don't sound fun! However, they can be prevented, especially since now I know for sure what I'm dealing with.

       An interesting thing occured the morning of my MRI. I don't typically have as big of flare ups in my lungs. That said, the night before I'd eaten hashbrowns (oh my lord I miss them) and had had a difficult time sleeping. That morning I woke up and felt a lot of pressure in my chest, and was actually a little concerned I wasn't going to make it (that's just how bad the pressure was and how hard it was to breathe!). The only times I'd had any breathing problems near this was when I'd eat eggs or onions. Nonetheless, I continued my trek over to the hospital. The doctor said after reviewing the MRI that the inflammation in my lungs was a big deal, and actually ended up playing a big role in helping them determine it definitely was Lupus, and not something similar. It wasn't pleasant, and even though I tried going to work, I only stayed about an hour. It was worth it though, to have a final and firm diagnosis! For that, I'm very grateful.

       My friends are the best!

       I only keep them around in case I end up needing a new kidney (just kidding!), but I have some really amazing friends. Nathan jokes with me that I need to watch out for cracks in the sidewalk due to my lupus, and Vianey has already offered her internal organs! I love them so much. Truly, I've got nothing to fear, and I've been blessed with the best of people to live beside! 

       If you have any questions...

       If you want to know anymore about the condition, myself, my symptoms, treatment in general, etc. DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK! Honestly, I don't mind talking about it and answering questions! 

       I decided to write about this on my blog because A) that's just how I process things. I write and I share. B) Other people struggle with autoimmune diseases, and GURL we need to connect! C) Just to let everyone know I'm okay!

        Thank you for all of the support, you guys! Always, the conversations these posts spark just bring me life and make everything worth it in the end. Grateful for you readers.  

The Middle Name Change: All the Details

       What's in a name? 

       Names are pretty powerful stuff. At birth, most of us are given names reflecting who our parents hope we'll be, or the kinds of lives we'll have. In my case, "Elisabeth" was more of a luck of the draw situation, but my mother always called me "Elise" (Disclaimer, I've always hated that name, don't try being quirky and calling me that.) after "Elise Mckenna" from "Somewhere in Time". My mother appreciated the beauty of the character, and also the music associated with her. My old middle name, "Dawn", was her naming me after her sister closest in age, who goes by her middle name, "Dawn".
       I quickly dropped the "Elise" thing when I moved to northern California at the age of nine. I was so sick and tired of people not being able to spell my name, and I hated the way people would lazily drawl "uhlease" instead of "eelease". I started to go by "Liz", because it was short, sweet, and to the point. However, I wasn't content with that, having never truly felt like a "Liz" and also realizing that going by "Liz" would perpetuate the misspelling of my name. So, at the top of 8th grade I began to go by "Beth", which feels much more comfortable. Nowadays, most everyone knows me as "Beth", but there are a few gems who call me "Elisabeth", and I love them, too! I never minded going by "Elisabeth". I feel like an Elisabeth.
       I never much minded my middle name. When I was younger, I thought it was kind of cool to be named after someone. A little later, I thought it was pretty cool, because dawn is the rise of the day, a new beginning. It was something of a source of hope for me. The majority of my life I never really had any relationship to speak of with the person I was named after, so that part touched me less.

       Scraping off the old and donning the new.

       Recently, I started to create some space in the world for myself. A big step in doing that has been ditching old things I'd always held onto that didn't really serve me much anymore, or represent who I was. It felt a lot like scraping old, dried on mud off of my soul. There's been a lot I've shed, and one of those many things happens to be that middle name.
      An adult now, I know who I want to be and who I am. The person I want to continue to grow into, and the person I was named after, really don't have much in common. Our interests, how we occupy our time, what we value, how she is received as in comparison to myself, none of it lined up between the both of us. Being the kind of person who likes to draw inspiration from everything, I was kind of irritated that my name, a summary of who I am, wasn't serving me. Furthermore, I didn't want to be associated with someone so opposite of me, especially having no relationship with her. She is a stranger with no right to speak on me or my name, and I none on hers. Truly, "Dawn" had no place in my name.
         Finally, it hit me that I could do something about it. My name is mine. Also, it's changeable. If I don't like it, I don't have to have it. Realizing that fact was a rather pleasant experience.
I considered just dropping it and not having a middle name at all, but "Elisabeth Reilley" just didn't feel satisfying. I needed a transition in between.
       I tried it out with some of the names of my SHE-roes, like my aunts Teresa, Shanna, Lotus, etc. and my mother's middle name. "Elisabeth Noel", "Elisabeth Teresa", Elisabeth Lotus", and so it went. Even though some of them sounded really pretty, I'd end up feeling wrong about it, because if I was going to honor one, I wanted to honor them all! So, that didn't work.

       A younger sister honored by the elder.

       For a bit, I considered other names associated with the sun, but quickly realized none of them really spoke to me. I needed something that spoke to my soul, really represented myself at the core, and truly inspired me. What has always been a part of me? What has always deeply influenced me? It wasn't until quite recently that the idea finally came to me; I wanted to honor my younger sister, Stori. 

       Stori was born when I was about eleven years old. While she passed early, I've always played the role of eldest sibling and sister well. All of my siblings, living or otherwise, are mine and I still hold myself to the responsibility of being a leader, example, protector, teacher, etc. to them. I'd decided somewhere in my teenage years that it was incredibly important to me to continue to be the kind of woman my sister would need to look to. 

       Stori has been my fundamental inspiration since then, and I wanted to acknowledge that. Her name was inspired by my mother, who like me has a certain love of literature and creating stories. No one can write like my mother! I knew that choosing a name that honored my sister would also be honoring my mother by extension. I thought about changing it then, directly to "Elisabeth Stori". It was okay, but I wanted my sister to maintain her singular unique identity, and it didn't flow with the same power I'd hoped for. From there, the idea came; What about "Elisabeth Novella"? 

       This was definitely not an ordinary name, and it didn't need to be. I loved it, as soon as it rolled off my tongue. My love for literature, the only talent I've ever really had, the girl who inspired me, and the woman who made me who I am, all were present in the name. "Elisabeth Novella" satisfied all of my demands. 

       Already better.

      Crazy as it may sound, thinking of myself as this person has already made me feel more settled in who I am. There really is a power behind the name. Continuously, it's centered me, strengthened me, and helped me continue to walk the path I'd always needed to. "Novella" reminds me to continue to be that example Stori and my brothers need. 

       I dare you to make the little changes everyone else perceives as stupid.

       Do the things that make you more yourself. Be who you want to be, right down to the name, the shoes, the movement of the fingers and the inflection of the voice. Sink into yourself, because you won't be comfortable as anyone else. You're allowed to make choices for you, and to honor yourself in whichever way you're moved to. 

       If I teach people nothing else, I hope it's that there are very powerful, unique things about everyone that need to be brought to light and emphasized. Allow yourself to be your best person, and you will allow the best of others to come out as well. 

     

I'm Different, You're Concerned, Dawn Isn't my Middle Name for Long, Cheesecake Comes in a Variety of Flavors.

      Let me just start this by highlighting a beautiful truth concerning the human existence; We are all incredibly different, and that's incredibly powerful. 

       We all experience changes, go through phases, learn at different paces. Not only is this this okay, it's actually quite necessary. A world in which we all travel the same path would be incredibly boring and-I believe, at least-purposeless. I'm so grateful for the journey I've gone on thus far, it's uniquely mine and it's served me perfectly. 

        I'm a fairly considerate person. I was explaining to a dear friend the other night that I'm the kind of person who likes to have my feet firmly planted on the stepping stone before leaping to the next, and if I'm going to fall into the water I'd rather I'd rather just plant myself in it and trudge forward, rather than have it strike me by surprise. I'm a big fan of knowing I'm okay and knowing I'll continue to be okay. That said, I arrive to new lessons and learn very quickly from them, and thus, tend to move from idea to idea and experience to experience a lot faster than most others (which, frankly, can drive people a little nuts. That's okay, can't please everyone!). I've changed a lot, and if you haven't been keeping up with me, it would definitely seem all of a sudden. In this entry, I wanted to talk a bit about that, explore what I'm going through, and empathize with what the people I love are experiencing as result. 

       Self-doubt turns to becoming my own best ally. 

       For those of you who frequent my blog, you know I was going through a pretty tough time. Tough enough, in fact, that I had to get some pretty intensive therapy to handle it. It was something of an identity crisis. There were a lot of doubts floating around in my mind about everything. I didn't know who I was, what I believed, where I was going, and nothing was certain. To say I was hard on myself is a gross understatement. 

       Thanks to therapy and the loving support of true friends, I began to find myself. My compass was my soul, and I trusted myself. The realization that any mistakes I made because I trusted myself would be worth it, even meant to be, was truly freeing. Now, I listen to my heart, and even if I get nervous about the grief someone else will give me, I move forward. It's absolutely paid off! I'm a lot less turbulent, a lot more happy, and I'm living the life I was designed to live. The most powerful footsteps I've ever made were those that forged my own path. 

      A certain understanding of love.

       At the beginning, I was worried about how I'd be received. My friends were already so accustomed to the old me. Was I going to piss someone off? Would I drive someone away? I had it in my head that people only stick around when they can take advantage of your weakness, or you serve them in some capacity or another. 

       A look at the love I had for others turned that all around. There was one specific person I normally have in mind when I think about the contents of love. He's changed immensely in the time we've known each other, having changed from awkward skateboarding creative genius, to a much more abrasive-albeit, accomplished, man. Through all of the change in his attitude and philosophy, I know I love him more today than I did when we met. I'd support him through any phase of his existence, I just want to be there to catch him when he falls and to celebrate his successes. There is nothing he could ever do to make me love him less. 

       Taking into mind this perspective of the love I have to give helped me to see myself through the eyes of my friends. They loved me for who I was-funny, tenacious, helpful, etc. The external details-Hobbies, appearance, beliefs, etc. really didn't matter. In their eyes, I was defined by my qualities, not the incidentals. 

       I trusted in the future too, that I'd still be Beth, and the people I'd meet later in life would eventually see and care more about me than the tiny little details surrounding me.

       The split.

       After adopting this lifestyle of trusting myself and allowing Beth to be Beth, I started to clean house. Anything that was no longer serving me, anything that held me back, anything that hurt in any manner other than growing pains. Additionally, I started doing the things I wanted to do, bringing into my existence things my soul craved. Some people got dumped, my physical appearance changed a bit, and I made the decision to legally change my middle name, as a few examples. 

       More recently, I made a bigger decision (yet to me, it hardly feels like a change). This particular decision stays private until further notice. However, I do need to talk about its impact. To put it shortly, but to try and maintain the essence of the decision, I decided to release an old boat down stream. There was a particular entity in my life that was the source of a lot of stress and inner-turbulence for me. To keep the peace between myself and this entity, I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics. I didn't agree with it, really. There was a lot about this thing that confused me, upset me, and frankly didn't resonate with me at all. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that fundamentally I never did-and never could, be on the same page as it. I turned this entity in and out, scouring it constantly for any reason to reconcile. Often, I forced a relationship. Too often, I denied even to myself that we weren't getting along in harmony. For as much grief as this entity brought me, I wonder sometimes why I clung to it so tightly. Hind sight twenty-twenty, it was a personal poison to me, and I'd have had a much easier time existing without it. 

       Well, eventually I came to my senses and left it where it belonged-in my past. This is an incredibly recent decision. Already though, I'm feeling the effects-and they're all positive! I'm just myself, now. I'm not anxious about every little thing I do. I feel like I have more emotional energy. Life makes more sense. I'm feeling a long overdue peace. Life is good! Breakups have never been so good, let me tell you. 

        Everyone hasn't been so pleased, however. 

       While the peace I feel is real, and the joy is great, and the weight very much lifted off my shoulders, I'm the only one who can feel those things for me. If I could lend my brain over to them real quick so they could see how things are in my world, we'd all feel a lot better! All I can do is explain to the best of my ability that I feel complete, and happy, and everything is as it should be for me right now. 

       That said, I want to take a moment to empathize and show that my own joy isn't the only emotional phenomena I'm aware of at the moment. There are some really fabulous people who love me and wanted to see me and the entity together forever. They love this entity, and it's a completely different creature to them altogether. I respect that, completely! That's their prerogative, and I'm in no position to tell them otherwise. It's okay that we experience people, places, and things differently!

       A few of them have had or expressed interest in having conversations with me over the split. I get why-they want to make sure I don't drop anything or turn my back on any opportunities to be happy and feel love. I appreciate that! It breaks my heart a little, simply because there is nothing they can do to make the reconciliation happen. It is what it is, and they mean the best. 

       How to get on when we aren't all on the same page:

       My greatest piece of advice to offer on this is simply, to live graciously. Recognize other people's actions for what they are-attempts to love, support, and care for you. It doesn't matter if they don't see things your way or want something different for you than you know is best for yourself. Bottomline, they want to help. They're spending energy on you, and that should mean something. No, this is not an invitation to hand your will over to them or listen to everything they tell you to do or put their emotions ahead of your own. This is an adjustment of perspective-find reasons for gratitude where they grow. 

       Leave doors open. Maybe pieces will connect later. Maybe you'll learn something or see something in someone you just couldn't before. Whatever happens, I believe that all changes should happen in peace. 

       Let everything you do and say be in love. This goes for both parties. Nothing should be done if it is motivated by one-upping another person, dominating them, or shoving something in their face. If you're doing it in anger, it's most likely wrong. Part of adulthood is coexistence. 

       In summary, cheesecake comes in a variety of flavors...

       The flavor you love best may change over the years. While I love a rich, dark chocolate, a lot of others love raspberry, and some may even think all cheesecake is gross! It's okay. No one's right or wrong. Some people get on better with others. We all live different lives where different experiences make us feel complete. I love that! 

       I'm so grateful for my friendships, and so grateful for my life. It's been twenty years of high-adventure, and I wouldn't change it for anything. 

A special thanks to everyone who's tagged along and been a part of any and all of my learning experiences.