The Middle Name Change: All the Details

       What's in a name? 

       Names are pretty powerful stuff. At birth, most of us are given names reflecting who our parents hope we'll be, or the kinds of lives we'll have. In my case, "Elisabeth" was more of a luck of the draw situation, but my mother always called me "Elise" (Disclaimer, I've always hated that name, don't try being quirky and calling me that.) after "Elise Mckenna" from "Somewhere in Time". My mother appreciated the beauty of the character, and also the music associated with her. My old middle name, "Dawn", was her naming me after her sister closest in age, who goes by her middle name, "Dawn".
       I quickly dropped the "Elise" thing when I moved to northern California at the age of nine. I was so sick and tired of people not being able to spell my name, and I hated the way people would lazily drawl "uhlease" instead of "eelease". I started to go by "Liz", because it was short, sweet, and to the point. However, I wasn't content with that, having never truly felt like a "Liz" and also realizing that going by "Liz" would perpetuate the misspelling of my name. So, at the top of 8th grade I began to go by "Beth", which feels much more comfortable. Nowadays, most everyone knows me as "Beth", but there are a few gems who call me "Elisabeth", and I love them, too! I never minded going by "Elisabeth". I feel like an Elisabeth.
       I never much minded my middle name. When I was younger, I thought it was kind of cool to be named after someone. A little later, I thought it was pretty cool, because dawn is the rise of the day, a new beginning. It was something of a source of hope for me. The majority of my life I never really had any relationship to speak of with the person I was named after, so that part touched me less.

       Scraping off the old and donning the new.

       Recently, I started to create some space in the world for myself. A big step in doing that has been ditching old things I'd always held onto that didn't really serve me much anymore, or represent who I was. It felt a lot like scraping old, dried on mud off of my soul. There's been a lot I've shed, and one of those many things happens to be that middle name.
      An adult now, I know who I want to be and who I am. The person I want to continue to grow into, and the person I was named after, really don't have much in common. Our interests, how we occupy our time, what we value, how she is received as in comparison to myself, none of it lined up between the both of us. Being the kind of person who likes to draw inspiration from everything, I was kind of irritated that my name, a summary of who I am, wasn't serving me. Furthermore, I didn't want to be associated with someone so opposite of me, especially having no relationship with her. She is a stranger with no right to speak on me or my name, and I none on hers. Truly, "Dawn" had no place in my name.
         Finally, it hit me that I could do something about it. My name is mine. Also, it's changeable. If I don't like it, I don't have to have it. Realizing that fact was a rather pleasant experience.
I considered just dropping it and not having a middle name at all, but "Elisabeth Reilley" just didn't feel satisfying. I needed a transition in between.
       I tried it out with some of the names of my SHE-roes, like my aunts Teresa, Shanna, Lotus, etc. and my mother's middle name. "Elisabeth Noel", "Elisabeth Teresa", Elisabeth Lotus", and so it went. Even though some of them sounded really pretty, I'd end up feeling wrong about it, because if I was going to honor one, I wanted to honor them all! So, that didn't work.

       A younger sister honored by the elder.

       For a bit, I considered other names associated with the sun, but quickly realized none of them really spoke to me. I needed something that spoke to my soul, really represented myself at the core, and truly inspired me. What has always been a part of me? What has always deeply influenced me? It wasn't until quite recently that the idea finally came to me; I wanted to honor my younger sister, Stori. 

       Stori was born when I was about eleven years old. While she passed early, I've always played the role of eldest sibling and sister well. All of my siblings, living or otherwise, are mine and I still hold myself to the responsibility of being a leader, example, protector, teacher, etc. to them. I'd decided somewhere in my teenage years that it was incredibly important to me to continue to be the kind of woman my sister would need to look to. 

       Stori has been my fundamental inspiration since then, and I wanted to acknowledge that. Her name was inspired by my mother, who like me has a certain love of literature and creating stories. No one can write like my mother! I knew that choosing a name that honored my sister would also be honoring my mother by extension. I thought about changing it then, directly to "Elisabeth Stori". It was okay, but I wanted my sister to maintain her singular unique identity, and it didn't flow with the same power I'd hoped for. From there, the idea came; What about "Elisabeth Novella"? 

       This was definitely not an ordinary name, and it didn't need to be. I loved it, as soon as it rolled off my tongue. My love for literature, the only talent I've ever really had, the girl who inspired me, and the woman who made me who I am, all were present in the name. "Elisabeth Novella" satisfied all of my demands. 

       Already better.

      Crazy as it may sound, thinking of myself as this person has already made me feel more settled in who I am. There really is a power behind the name. Continuously, it's centered me, strengthened me, and helped me continue to walk the path I'd always needed to. "Novella" reminds me to continue to be that example Stori and my brothers need. 

       I dare you to make the little changes everyone else perceives as stupid.

       Do the things that make you more yourself. Be who you want to be, right down to the name, the shoes, the movement of the fingers and the inflection of the voice. Sink into yourself, because you won't be comfortable as anyone else. You're allowed to make choices for you, and to honor yourself in whichever way you're moved to. 

       If I teach people nothing else, I hope it's that there are very powerful, unique things about everyone that need to be brought to light and emphasized. Allow yourself to be your best person, and you will allow the best of others to come out as well.