Let me just start this by highlighting a beautiful truth concerning the human existence; We are all incredibly different, and that's incredibly powerful.
We all experience changes, go through phases, learn at different paces. Not only is this this okay, it's actually quite necessary. A world in which we all travel the same path would be incredibly boring and-I believe, at least-purposeless. I'm so grateful for the journey I've gone on thus far, it's uniquely mine and it's served me perfectly.
I'm a fairly considerate person. I was explaining to a dear friend the other night that I'm the kind of person who likes to have my feet firmly planted on the stepping stone before leaping to the next, and if I'm going to fall into the water I'd rather I'd rather just plant myself in it and trudge forward, rather than have it strike me by surprise. I'm a big fan of knowing I'm okay and knowing I'll continue to be okay. That said, I arrive to new lessons and learn very quickly from them, and thus, tend to move from idea to idea and experience to experience a lot faster than most others (which, frankly, can drive people a little nuts. That's okay, can't please everyone!). I've changed a lot, and if you haven't been keeping up with me, it would definitely seem all of a sudden. In this entry, I wanted to talk a bit about that, explore what I'm going through, and empathize with what the people I love are experiencing as result.
Self-doubt turns to becoming my own best ally.
For those of you who frequent my blog, you know I was going through a pretty tough time. Tough enough, in fact, that I had to get some pretty intensive therapy to handle it. It was something of an identity crisis. There were a lot of doubts floating around in my mind about everything. I didn't know who I was, what I believed, where I was going, and nothing was certain. To say I was hard on myself is a gross understatement.
Thanks to therapy and the loving support of true friends, I began to find myself. My compass was my soul, and I trusted myself. The realization that any mistakes I made because I trusted myself would be worth it, even meant to be, was truly freeing. Now, I listen to my heart, and even if I get nervous about the grief someone else will give me, I move forward. It's absolutely paid off! I'm a lot less turbulent, a lot more happy, and I'm living the life I was designed to live. The most powerful footsteps I've ever made were those that forged my own path.
A certain understanding of love.
At the beginning, I was worried about how I'd be received. My friends were already so accustomed to the old me. Was I going to piss someone off? Would I drive someone away? I had it in my head that people only stick around when they can take advantage of your weakness, or you serve them in some capacity or another.
A look at the love I had for others turned that all around. There was one specific person I normally have in mind when I think about the contents of love. He's changed immensely in the time we've known each other, having changed from awkward skateboarding creative genius, to a much more abrasive-albeit, accomplished, man. Through all of the change in his attitude and philosophy, I know I love him more today than I did when we met. I'd support him through any phase of his existence, I just want to be there to catch him when he falls and to celebrate his successes. There is nothing he could ever do to make me love him less.
Taking into mind this perspective of the love I have to give helped me to see myself through the eyes of my friends. They loved me for who I was-funny, tenacious, helpful, etc. The external details-Hobbies, appearance, beliefs, etc. really didn't matter. In their eyes, I was defined by my qualities, not the incidentals.
I trusted in the future too, that I'd still be Beth, and the people I'd meet later in life would eventually see and care more about me than the tiny little details surrounding me.
The split.
After adopting this lifestyle of trusting myself and allowing Beth to be Beth, I started to clean house. Anything that was no longer serving me, anything that held me back, anything that hurt in any manner other than growing pains. Additionally, I started doing the things I wanted to do, bringing into my existence things my soul craved. Some people got dumped, my physical appearance changed a bit, and I made the decision to legally change my middle name, as a few examples.
More recently, I made a bigger decision (yet to me, it hardly feels like a change). This particular decision stays private until further notice. However, I do need to talk about its impact. To put it shortly, but to try and maintain the essence of the decision, I decided to release an old boat down stream. There was a particular entity in my life that was the source of a lot of stress and inner-turbulence for me. To keep the peace between myself and this entity, I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics. I didn't agree with it, really. There was a lot about this thing that confused me, upset me, and frankly didn't resonate with me at all. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that fundamentally I never did-and never could, be on the same page as it. I turned this entity in and out, scouring it constantly for any reason to reconcile. Often, I forced a relationship. Too often, I denied even to myself that we weren't getting along in harmony. For as much grief as this entity brought me, I wonder sometimes why I clung to it so tightly. Hind sight twenty-twenty, it was a personal poison to me, and I'd have had a much easier time existing without it.
Well, eventually I came to my senses and left it where it belonged-in my past. This is an incredibly recent decision. Already though, I'm feeling the effects-and they're all positive! I'm just myself, now. I'm not anxious about every little thing I do. I feel like I have more emotional energy. Life makes more sense. I'm feeling a long overdue peace. Life is good! Breakups have never been so good, let me tell you.
Everyone hasn't been so pleased, however.
While the peace I feel is real, and the joy is great, and the weight very much lifted off my shoulders, I'm the only one who can feel those things for me. If I could lend my brain over to them real quick so they could see how things are in my world, we'd all feel a lot better! All I can do is explain to the best of my ability that I feel complete, and happy, and everything is as it should be for me right now.
That said, I want to take a moment to empathize and show that my own joy isn't the only emotional phenomena I'm aware of at the moment. There are some really fabulous people who love me and wanted to see me and the entity together forever. They love this entity, and it's a completely different creature to them altogether. I respect that, completely! That's their prerogative, and I'm in no position to tell them otherwise. It's okay that we experience people, places, and things differently!
A few of them have had or expressed interest in having conversations with me over the split. I get why-they want to make sure I don't drop anything or turn my back on any opportunities to be happy and feel love. I appreciate that! It breaks my heart a little, simply because there is nothing they can do to make the reconciliation happen. It is what it is, and they mean the best.
How to get on when we aren't all on the same page:
My greatest piece of advice to offer on this is simply, to live graciously. Recognize other people's actions for what they are-attempts to love, support, and care for you. It doesn't matter if they don't see things your way or want something different for you than you know is best for yourself. Bottomline, they want to help. They're spending energy on you, and that should mean something. No, this is not an invitation to hand your will over to them or listen to everything they tell you to do or put their emotions ahead of your own. This is an adjustment of perspective-find reasons for gratitude where they grow.
Leave doors open. Maybe pieces will connect later. Maybe you'll learn something or see something in someone you just couldn't before. Whatever happens, I believe that all changes should happen in peace.
Let everything you do and say be in love. This goes for both parties. Nothing should be done if it is motivated by one-upping another person, dominating them, or shoving something in their face. If you're doing it in anger, it's most likely wrong. Part of adulthood is coexistence.
In summary, cheesecake comes in a variety of flavors...
The flavor you love best may change over the years. While I love a rich, dark chocolate, a lot of others love raspberry, and some may even think all cheesecake is gross! It's okay. No one's right or wrong. Some people get on better with others. We all live different lives where different experiences make us feel complete. I love that!
I'm so grateful for my friendships, and so grateful for my life. It's been twenty years of high-adventure, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
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