Books That Changed My Life

       Summer is practically here and that means many of us will (hopefully) be taking some time to read more books! Quick side note, reading is extremely important for enhancing cognitive function and strengthening empathy. These are important strengths to have if you really want to be a contributing member of earthling society. Please. For the love of all that's good. Read a book! Or five.

       Anyways, I'm known as something of a book whisperer and literary enthusiast. Therefore, I feel it's only right I share a list of books I feel everyone needs to get their hands on! Really, it's the debt I owe to society. Without further ado, here's my list of books you absolutely must get your nose stuck in!

Classics

Arabian Nights- An anthology really of old Arabic folk tales. It can be a little much for those sensitive to topics such as domestic violence and social injustice in general, but I find the narrative rich nonetheless. The Arabian Nights really is a great example of incredible story craftsmanship as it takes readers from adventure to adventure.  

Notre-Dame de Paris or The Hunchback of Notre-Dame- The actual french gothic by Victor Hugo is a far more heartbreaking but beautiful tale than what the Disney machine popularly portrayed. It takes place in the late 1400's and let me warn you now, Victor Hugo gets real. If you're familiar with Les Miserables, you know just how dark this book can get. All the same, I regard it as an incredible work of art and something everyone needs to read at least once. 

The Count of Monte Cristo-This is a heartwrenching story by Alexandre Dumas (The same lad who wrote The Three Musketeers). You absolutely must read the unabridged version of this or I will simply throw a fit. The betrayal...the revenge...it's absolutely delightful. Something I feel I must point out about this book-this is an expansion on ideas first suggested by Dumas' partnering ghostwriter, Auguste Maquet. Le Comte de Monte-Cristo is filled with so many layers of rich narrative, one of the many themes being the naivete of blind trust. One can't help but wonder what inspired the story in Maquet's mind, or the fine connecting pieces which Dumas produced.

Contemporary Fiction

Animal Farm-I first read this book in seventh grade and it was the beginning of my political identity. While I'm never as outspoken about politics as my brother closest to me in age, this planted a seed of social awareness within me. If you're just beginning to explore your political side, this is a great book to start with! After you read this, check out some of Orwell's other works! Everyone else will point you directly to 1984, but personally, I think Homage to Catalonia needs more love.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane-I am a gigantic Neil Gaiman fan. I frequently watch Coraline when I'm having a tough day, and I watch Stardust when I haven't been inspired in a while. However, when it comes to the reading experience, The Ocean at the End of the Lane just does it for me! Gaiman is the best at writing interesting characters, and Lettie Hempstock is one of the most intriguing characters I've ever come across. Read all of Gaiman's stuff, but start here!

Harry Potter-I was born two months after Sorcerer's Stone was published, so I regard J.K. Rowling as my actual zodiac. I grew up going to the movie premieres and book releases with my mom. I remember this one sweater I had was pink and magenta and made me feel so much like Hermione Granger when I wore it! The Harry Potter books have really impacted my generation. While it was published as a children's book, it's no secret that many read it for the first time or revisit the series as an adult. There's so much more we can take away from the novels in terms of coping with grief, friendship, and what bravery really looks like. Everyone needs to read the books at least once.

Children's Books

Matilda-My love for this book began when I first saw the movie starring Danny DeVito and Mara Wilson. Something about Matilda was so relatable and incredibly inspiring. I wished I could be her. Being her would solve so many of my problems! Her story was a window into freedom in a time when I felt incredibly trapped. She was my hero. The author, Roald Dahl, is an amazing author. He's written so many children's staples from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to The B.F.G. Roald Dahl is one of my many idols.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer-I loved this book so much. I was young when I first read it in school and I felt like such an intellectual (oh boy do I laugh at myself, now!) for having read it. This is a wonderful book that explores childhood and life by the Mississippi. While I am a true and dedicated north-westerner, and would never purposely establish my roots anywhere beyond Yellowstone, this book made me want to explore the south. Just a little bit. 

Lord of the Flies-This was the first book to ever make me emotional. Maybe it's because I have a strong maternal streak, but I hurt for those children. I was afraid for them. Piggy absolutely broke my heart into a billion pieces. It was the hardest book I've ever fought to get through, but it is absolutely worth the read if you've somehow managed to escape high school without being subjected to it. 

Mystery and Thrillers

Murder on the Orient Express-This is a classic Agatha Christie novel. As the title infers, a murder happens on a train and the passengers all get interrogated. Something that makes the Agatha Christie novels magical for me is the fact that she, herself, was part of her own mystery. To put it briefly, she went missing for a while and came back claiming to have amnesia. Her story is worth looking into. 

The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle-First of all, Stuart Turton is an underrated genius and everyone needs this book. He's announced a new book coming out in 2020 and I. Am. Ready. In this book, the victim dies over and over and over again as Aiden wakes up in the body of a different guest at the party which the death occurred. It's just so good. You have to read it!

One for the Money-Okay, yes. Janet Evanovich does, in fact, write what my mother lovingly refers to as "smutty novels". But truly? These are some damn good books! I started reading them when I was about eleven or twelve years old, and I've got to be honest...the actual storylines within the books are addictive. Stephanie Plum is a hilarious character. She loses her job as a lingerie buyer for a company and goes to her cousin for a job, and the story just takes off from there. If you can't get through some romance here and there, this is an awesome (and somehow really relatable? What's wrong with me?) series to dive into. 

Books that Everyone Should Read for the Sake of My Sanity

The Phantom of the Opera- I grew up watching teenage girls and their boyfriends dress up as Christine and the Phantom for Halloween and I cringed every time. Andrew Lloyd Webber did a beautiful job with the musical, that's true. However, the original story, Le Fantôme de l'Opéra, written by Gaston Leroux is much darker than the musical adaptation. The Phantom was still an abusive psycho (honestly people, stop romanticizing him! He's not a good dude!) in the musical, but in the book he sexually assaults Christine a lot more than just making her kiss him in exchange for her lover's life. The whole thing is very problematic in any format, but I really hope more people read the book and see the story for what it really is. 

H.P. Lovecraft's Great Tales of Horror- Everyone has heard of Cthulu, and that's a good start. I really need people to start talking about the other stories like The Rats in the Walls or The Cats of Ulthar. He's written amazing stories and they're all so underrated. Please, let's begin a Lovecraftian revolution. 

The Complete Works of Shakespeare-You have to be well-versed in Shakespeare to participate in society nowadays. I swear, Shakespeare made this world what it is. Read Romeo and Juliet and see why it's really stupid and not romantic at bloody all. Read A Midsummer Night's Dream and figure out if you're team Lysander or team Demetrius. Read Macbeth to figure out how to take over Scotland. It's all important. 

       I just hope you all get in some reading time over the summer. Whatever it is, time spent reading is never wasted.

Friendship Drama; How I Handle it

       I'm very fortunate for so many reasons, and my friendships absolutely top that list. You will never meet a more loyal bunch than the people I call "friends". There are so many times I feel simply inadequate when I think of how great they are to me.

       Recently, I learned a big lesson in friendship; They always recover. Let me spill the tea and share how I mopped it up!

       If you are in my personal circle, you know I went through a big lifestyle transition not too long ago. Sometimes a fire continues to burn days after you've razed a city. There's one aspect of my old life that I'd shared in common with nearly every single one of my best friends, and many of them still actively participated in it.

       Upon first departure from this aspect (okay, I'll name it. I left the mormon church!) I had been determined to harbor love for it despite how worn it had left me. "It's good for others, just not for me" had been my mantra, and I still wanted great things for that community. However, at some point I stumbled and fell down the rabbit hole and began educating myself on the real history of the church, as well as finally calling a spade a spade and coming to terms with the abuses I'd experienced and other toxic practices I'd tolerated. I was slowly losing my patience and grace for the church and it was harder every day for me to hold my tongue.

       I had moved from a state of peace to a state of resentment towards the church, and as much as I tried to fight against that transition for the sake of my invaluable friendships, it was getting the better of me. As my anger got the better of me, it got the better of my friendship with someone I love so, so much until we eventually came to an explosion.

       The "break up" was painful. I felt so empty. Here I'd lost this person who had meant so much to me. It had been my decision to break ties in the first place. I'd determined that if I was going to be this angry at something that they held so dear, I wasn't capable of being the friend they needed. The only responsible thing for me to do, in my mind, was to finally break things off. At first I missed this person deeply, and would quickly shut my thoughts of missing them off with a "it doesn't matter that you miss XXXXX. It doesn't change anything." Eventually, though, it evolved into a depth of missing them that far surpassed my jaded belief. There were too many things that reminded me of this person. I had too many memes to share and memories to reflect on. I'd decided to try my luck on my luckiest day, St. Patrick's Day. Nothing bad had ever happened to me on that day in my two decades of life, and it couldn't fail me now. I was nervous that this person wouldn't respond, or worse, would respond with anger. Nevertheless, I sent an ice breaker and hoped for the best; The best came.

       From there we talked a bit, and then the flood gates broke and we confessed how much we missed each other. We mended things over and well...the rest is history!

       My advice to everyone who is dealing with issues with people they hold dear is:
    

 Figure out what the real source of the issue is.

       Is it that the other person makes you feel inadequate? Are there recurring issues that persist after they've been addressed? Are you experiencing growing pains? Maybe you're having a selfish moment? Try to be honest with yourself and really take time to identify the issue.

Try taking a break.

       Sometimes people just need breaks from each other! When a relationship of any kind becomes really involved, it can become messy. Try getting some substantial space and see how your attitude changes.

Never take a great thing for granted.

       "Breaking up" with this person (or so I'd thought) was difficult, not just because they're an amazing person, but because I felt like I was being ungrateful. This person had been so patient with me for so long. They've been my friend through all of my crises. I've had so many issues to recklessly crash through and so many lessons I had to learn the painful way. From fertility struggles to struggling to figure out what to have for lunch, this person was there. They kept my secrets and supported me when I dug myself into holes I didn't see a way out of. To throw all of that away felt irresponsible and absolutely disrespectful. To tell the truth, I'm not sure what I told myself to get through that. If you're considering breaking it off with someone, be sure to honor those wonderful memories. No, the amazing moments of the past don't oblige you to stay in a relationship that is toxic to you or the other person or both. However, acknowledging and honoring those moments, even if it's just sending the person a message saying "thank you" will make the whole transition a lot easier.

 Do all things with love. 

       Just because things are ending (or pausing) doesn't mean you have to be angry or hurt someone else. You should try to end things with kindness and courtesy. This person once meant a lot to you.

 Stay hopeful.

       Leave that door open (if the person wasn't abusive). You never know what could happen tomorrow. Life is always throwing curveballs. Take it all for what it is and keep a soft heart.

       I wouldn't give any of my best friends up for anything. I know that when I went through this pause in my friendship, it felt like things would never get better between us. I believed that because we'd stopped talking and we're in our twenties that there was no way things could get better. I thought reconciliation would only have been possible for people who had 6 classes a day together. I'm so glad I was wrong. Give your friendships your all. Enjoy every bit of it. It'll all be worth it.

When You Need to Consider a New Physician

       I've lived in three different states here in the U.S. and have received medical care of varying qualities. I've had a gynecologist with a doctorate's degree order a blood test and then have no recollection of ordering the blood test at my follow up appointment (WHAT?!) and an angelic midwife who provides hour-long appointments and explains everything in an easy to understand way. I have a pretty good idea of what a good medical care provider vs. a bad one looks like. I wanted to take a moment to outline the differences and help my readers determine if they're in good hands.

The Good

You feel heard.

       Whether you're going for your annual checkup with a general practitioner or a cleaning from your dentist, paying close attention to your health is crucial. Healthy bodies provide us opportunities to handle our responsibilities, explore the world, and create beautiful, fulfilling lives. When you're explaining your symptoms or elaborating on what "normal" means to you, your physician should be attentive. Good signs that you're being listened to are they ask you questions for clarification, take notes, and explore treatment plans with you. My best provider ever stayed focused on me when I answered a question, gave me answers without making me feel silly, gave me options on how to proceed with treatment, and made me feel valid as I explained preferences or concerns. 

They follow through.

       If for any reason you need some sort of follow up, be it to go over lab results, receive some sort of exam, or check up on how well a treatment is working, the doctor should be on top of it! They should have some sort of list of things to look for such as signs that you need to come back in (or visit the ER), signs of improvement, and notification of common side effects if applicable. Obviously, they should remember why they had you come into their office in the first place when you attend that follow up appointment. They should be available if you have any questions later and provide some sort of line of communication. 

They're Intuitive and humble.

       Good doctors follow their hunches, and they're open to learning new things. Medical science is an ever-evolving field. New technologies and breakthroughs are being made all of the time! You will naturally be researching how to optimize your health from time to time and may run into alternative treatment ideas or lifestyle changes that pique your curiosity. Your doctor should take the time to research whatever idea you've presented them if they aren't already familiar with it and discuss with you why you should or should not pursue that treatment, lifestyle change, etc. 

They respect you as an equal partner in your health.

       Receiving medical care of any kind, from oncology to mental health and anywhere in between is a partnership between you and your physician(s). You know your body and your mind and what it feels like to be you. They know their professional training and experience. Both of these elements need to be combined in order to achieve optimal health. A good doctor will respect your intuition, provide you with information, and ultimately allow you to be the captain of your own ship. They should treat you with respect and provide you with sources that back their claims. While you should respect them and be mindful of avoiding paranoia, irrational behavior, and general misinformation, they should be patient with you on your journey.

The Bad

They throw diagnoses and prescriptions at you left and right.

       No blood tests or detailed exams, but got a crazy diagnosis? That's a little sketchy. I've had a doctor tell me I had endometriosis without even performing the proper exam to confirm it. The diagnosis was based strictly on the symptoms I described to her (terrible cramps that would take the breath out of me, heavy irregular periods, etc.) She then prescribed me a birth control that made my life so much worse. After that didn't work, she said "oh, you must just have PCOS then" and switched birth controls. No tests involved. Your doctor should be thorough before giving you a diagnosis. So many different conditions overlap each other's symptoms! If your doctor is only engaging in conversation and nothing else, you may want to go looking for a different provider. 

They're lazy and not engaged.

       I went to a different doctor than the one I previously mentioned complaining of the same symptoms. She didn't seem to be listening very much when I was talking. The whole time she was organizing instruments, texting on her phone, and buzzing about. At the end of the brief appointment, she said, "google IBS. You might have that." I almost fell off the damn table. Your doctor should not be having you turn to the internet and self-diagnosing. They also shouldn't be doing other things during your entire appointment. You shouldn't be paying anyone to be told to try to google. 

They try to counsel you on things outside of their expertise.

       Recently, after informing my psychiatrist that I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto's since our last appointment, she told me that making changes to my diet wouldn't help my thyroid and that my midwife needed to prescribe me with levothyroxine. Not only has my change in diet already improved my thyroid by leaps and bounds, but the midwife and I both agreed that we're not interested in starting me on any new prescriptions until we see what my "new normal" is after my body adjusts to the new way of eating. That psychiatrist is a good person and had the best intentions. That said, when she continued on about how I can't make my thyroid better on my own, I felt incredibly defeated. For a few moments, I'd forgotten the progress I had already made and wondered if I was going to be damned to a life where I take multiple prescriptions. Regardless, the doctor I have managing my thyroid knows what she's doing. I knew the results I'd seen already. That psychiatrist did not. 

They don't respond to updates on your health.

       Going back to the interaction I had with that psychiatrist. I had mentioned the Hashimoto's diagnosis and diet changes so that she would determine whether or not she wanted me to go off of the Prozac. The entire appointment had really been an experiment for me to see whether or not she was being responsible with my health. I'd already gone off of Prozac as my thyroid regulated and I realized it was no longer necessary. My psychiatrist continued to push the Prozac. I could have understood if she dialed down the dosage. I would have preferred that she'd have engaged in conversation with me about whether or not I felt the medication was even useful anymore. She did neither of those things. Your doctor shouldn't push prescriptions that you feel aren't helping, especially without having a conversation about it. Sometimes they know something that we don't about prescriptions and going on/off of them. That information needs to be relayed. Regardless, they should be adaptive and honest when things need to change.

The Bottomline

       Your physicians should have faith in your body, they should listen to you and respect you, and they should be an empowering partner. If you feel ignored, belittled, or otherwise just not vibing with your provider, you should look into seeing someone else! You do not need to fight with a doctor to get proper care, and you should never feel helpless when it comes to your health. 

       I hope you all feel immense peace as you maintain your health!

An Update on my Prozac Journey (Am I still taking it??)

       As many who have been following my blog know, I've been sharing my personal experience with Prozac in order to supply some sort of anchor in a sea of fear and misinformation. What I experienced was nothing like what I had anticipated, and I've got a lot of thoughts! Please remember, this is my unique experience and if you have to choose whether or not to take ANY medication or make any significant health changes, your intuition is important!

How I improved

       I can say with robust honesty that Prozac truly helped me to feel more energized, alert, and alive! Whereas prior to taking the medication I would hardly leave my apartment and was experiencing a lot of difficulties concentrating, as well as experiencing frequent panic attacks, now I'm going on long walks in the evening, exploring the downtown area, and cranking out projects a lot more often! I'm more optimistic about the future and I generally feel more capable as a woman of achieving all of my goals. I'm sleeping far better. I exercise at least once a day most days a week. I understand my body and what it's trying to communicate a lot better. Really, my health has improved vastly!

How I've regressed

       There are no areas where I've dramatically gone downhill. However, I'd say that while taking Prozac my filter has been knocked down a few notches. I'm an INTJ. That's superstitious speak for saying I'm immensely creative and free-thinking, but I like to keep to myself for the most part and I value knowledge and practicality over most everything else. So, when I see a lot of impractical, prejudiced, or poorly thought out things it irks me. Normally, I scroll through social media and keep my peace. However, lately, I find myself really wanting to bulldoze all of the prejudiced people I see in my feed. I don't know if that's directly related to the Prozac or if I've just reached my limit with humans, but the fact remains my ability to stay silent is slowly dissolving. 

What's Changed and Do I Still Take it?

       I absolutely feel like Prozac was the liberating key to helping me get to a place of health and peace within myself. I don't think I'd have made it through the semester without it. I don't know that I'd have made so many healthy changes (like starting to exercise more often, going vegan, etc.) or that I would even still be Beth without having introduced this medication to my life. 

       That said, I stated at the beginning of this post that your intuition must be considered and respected. In the middle of this journey, I found out that I have hashimoto's (not lupus, thank goodness) and I have been working closely with my doctor to keep it in check. I've adapted my diet according to my doctor's counsel, continuing to stay vegan, and also leaving out gluten and peanuts, and making sure my cruciferous vegetables are always cooked! After making these corrections, I felt I had even more energy and focus. Every bit of my health feels more balanced and normalized. 

       Something in me started to question whether or not I still needed to be taking this medication. Near the end of my first bottle of Prozac, I made a deal with myself. I'd go a week without getting a refill and see how I feel. If I continued to feel good and was able to stay on top of my responsibilities, I'd stay off of it until I felt I needed to do otherwise. If I noticed any sort of decline, I'd stay on them. 

       Since discontinuing my medication, I've continued to feel improvements within myself. I keep a close eye on my mood and my productivity, and I really feel that as I respect my thyroid, my mental health does far better. If I start to decline again at all despite my best efforts, I will be going back to the medication.

My Beliefs About Medication

       I don't believe that your average person needs to be on prescription medication long-term. I believe it's our duty to take care of ourselves and not accept developing preventable diseases. Western medicine is wonderful, and truly very useful for those of us who find ourselves extremely sick or in emergencies. Regardless, a strong, healthy diet backed with ample research and laying a strong foundation for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being will carry you a long way. I have complete faith in my body and its ability to heal, create, and perform as long as I am responsible with it. It is my belief that our bodies were designed to remain in a state of health and return to that state of health when properly cared for. I believe that I have everything I need already inside of me, and medications just help us to get back up on our feet every once in a while. 

Bottomline

       You and your doctor are the only ones who can figure out what's best for you. If you find yourself not agreeing with your doctor or questioning if they are a good match for you, I fully support looking to another one for a second opinion! Remember to use common sense, and learn a healthy balance between trusting your intuition and trusting the professionals. I've had some "professionals" in my life get it very wrong and I've had others get it right on the mark! You'll know what's right when you see it.

A Reflection on English 101; My Experience

       My first semester at Boise State is over!!!!

       Well, almost over. I still have one week left in two of my classes, but then I can officially say I've got the first semester under my belt! 

       Over the semester, I've learned that I love professors who respect my creative flow, hate being talked over, and I'm going to be a strong English teacher one day. One of my most favorite professors and examples of what a great English instructor looks like, Jan Roser, taught my English 101 class. Today, I want to reflect on that class and share my experiences with the course. 

       My concept of critical reading has changed

       Before class, I felt like there wasn't much to critical reading other than looking at a piece from an objective point of view rather than with bias or emotion. However, I've learned that my previous thoughts on it couldn't have been further from the truth! One thing I personally enjoy doing is trying to look at the pieces I read through a particular lense or with a theme in mind. For example, one of the articles I read for class was "Could an Ex-Con Become an Attorney? I Intended to Find Out" by Reginald Dwayne Betts. The article was hard for me to get through because it made me particularly emotional to read about how our society simply tosses people by the wayside when they've made a mistake. My compassion was ignited and I learned so much from his experience. I by no means approached the article objectively. I felt so much throughout the entirety of reading and critically reviewing it. What I learned most of all was that I was still capable of taking away significant facts from a reading and analyzing the writer's abilities and strategies while simultaneously engaging in the emotion it evoked. (I'll share the article HERE for those of you who may be interested. It was really good!) 

       My writing process has changed

       I can't lie, I tend to avoid technical writing if I can. Sometimes the point I'm trying to convey gets lost somewhere at the crossroads of my voice and technical demands. That's something I've really tried to work on and be conscious of this semester. With the aforementioned article written by Reginald Dwayne Betts, I had to write a rhetorical analysis. This was an assignment I'd found more challenging. I didn't want to just analyze the author's rhetoric. I wanted to spend time talking about my frustration with the American justice system and the people who run this country. Keeping it together and trying to figure out how to direct my energy was challenging. I found the best way for me to navigate that would be to take notes as I read about his writing style. What words did he use? What points was he trying to make and what strategies did he use to convey it? Once I'd compiled a list of these facts, it was a lot easier for me to write. 

       Other classes impacted my experience with this class

       It seems as though all of my classes lined up with each other in terms of themes week by week. All of my classes at one point tackled racism and injustice in social injustice in America. By the end of the two weeks that subject had been explored, I'd reached my limit. I was frustrated with things that were well beyond my control, concerned for my loved ones, and terrified of what the future held for our society. It most definitely did not help that I'd recently started watching The Handmaid's Tale! To recover, I spent my free time trying to find sources of entertainment that would be less stressful, cuddled my cat, and thought up different ways I could level the playing field in my future classroom and make certain my students were all safe and empowered. That was the most change I'd be able to make. I'd determined all I could do was emulate Professor Roser in the way that she understood that all of her students came from different backgrounds and would be performing at different levels. By providing assignments that were general enough we could all engage in them from wherever we were, but refined enough that we could progress in our abilities was the perfect model of classroom management. 

       External influences impacted how I handled class and what I learned

       I spent a lot of time outside of class embarking on a health journey. I'd received less-than-acceptable medical care for most of my life simply due to living in areas that didn't have a strong medical team. My psychiatrist and midwife have proven to be two of the greatest people in my life, but that didn't mean chaos didn't happen to land me in their offices. My challenges came two-fold; First, I found that I was at a new low with my depression. I couldn't focus on anything! There was no article, no book, no movie, no youtube video that could capture my attention for more than ten seconds at a time. My brain was becoming an empty abyss. There was no engagement happening, and I was honestly scared. The thought of losing my cognitive function for any amount of time was enough motivation to finally see a psychiatrist and try antidepressants. They made a huge positive impact in my quality of life, and I am forever grateful. However, there were some troubles in getting all of my medications to cooperate, and after a week or so of being extremely sick, we discovered that I'd been misdiagnosed (and therefore mistreated) with Lupus when I really had Hashimoto's. My entire team of medical providers was astounded by the entire ordeal, and I can't lie...I was pretty upset. 

       As happy as I was to get all of that corrected and get back to handling my responsibilities, I had fallen out of my groove. It was difficult for me to find the energy and motivation again to produce quality work in school when I was still so mentally and emotionally exhausted (physically I wasn't doing too hot, either). I tried to make myself work, but all I'd end up doing was staring at the screen until I was frustrated. It took a lot of podcasts, rest, and patience with myself for me to finally gain back some gusto for my schoolwork. I did it though! 

       The health issues paired with housing issues I'd had previously (I was living with my family that had no internet because the school didn't have any place open for me yet), not having my husband around the whole time, and generally finding my way back into the swing of school all made for a fairly tumultuous semester. Overall though, it was extremely doable!

       What I learned in boating school is

        

       Some of the things we read, of course, didn't inspire me. You can't expect to be excited over every single assignment in any class. However, the ones I learned the most from were Perry Klass' "Learning the Language" and Sherman Alexie's "The Joy of Reading and Writing: Superman and Me". Both of these stories provided opportunities for me to reflect on my own journey, not just with literature, but with education as well. I really got a lot out of reconsidering what kinds of habits I was picking up along my way to the classroom and bookshelf. What have I been learning and picking up that would benefit me as a future educator? What experiences were strengthening me as a writer? Why were those my ambitions in the first place? These readings were introduced to me at the same times and both addressed the different dimensions of my goals. The timing of these required readings were simply spot on and I could not have been more excited about them. 

       My take away

       English 101 is an essential class to take for anyone looking to be a professional in any regard. I was reminded time and time again of why I'm at school by this class. When we wrote an essay about our writing backgrounds, I remembered why I loved writing so much and rededicated myself to the craft. When we had to write a haiku, I reconnected with my natural surroundings. Every single assignment had a purpose and they all served me in so many more ways beyond what was intended. 

       If you haven't taken English 101 yet, do it! If you had a bad experience with it, I strongly encourage you to retake it with a different professor. My professor was absolutely outstanding! Never underestimate the treasures that you can find in the classroom. Especially, the English class!

Attending College with Anxiety; My Advice

       The prospect of attending university for many of us who suffer from anxiety can set us on a complete mental overload sometimes. How am I going to handle the demands of an education? What if I'm not as smart as I think I am? What if a challenge arises that I can't handle? All these worries and more can flood our minds as we contemplate this important life change. I'm here to help walk you through my process of overcoming anxiety and trekking onward through college.

       Getting to university in the first place

        Personally, as much as I absolutely love being the classroom, I was terrified of going to school. I don't feel comfortable being in public places, especially where I'm not familiar with the layout or the people there. My anxiety had reached new heights in toxicity as I'd developed this unshakeable feeling that I was going to die soon when I'd been accepted to Boise State. This was a college I'd always thought about going to in the back of my mind. One day at work, when I'd decided I'd had enough of working regular jobs that didn't pay much and wanted to invest in something really worth my time, I applied to Boise State on a complete whim. The excitement I'd felt when I saw that I was accepted was the most excitement I'd felt in a long, long time. Despite all of the joy, I felt an immense fear. What would I do if I were minding my business on campus one day and someone I didn't know just opened fire? What if we pissed off the wrong country and Boise just happened to be the place that was bombed? With these completely outrageous ideas, I told myself my imagination was getting the best of me. All the same, I could not get these fears out of my head. Still, I'm a Gryffindor, and almost every day I've made the choice to walk onto campus paying little mind to the fears in the back of my mind.

        "Being a Gryffindor" isn't always easy though. While I try to rally up my bravery and rely on my stubborn, obstinate rebellion against oppressive forces to get me to and from class every day, that can only take me so far. Something else that helped was making friends-a lot of them! Making friends with the other students helped to make the classroom a more welcoming and familiar place. I opened up a dialogue with some of my professors (my first and last professors of the day, typically) to let them know what I was struggling with so that we could be partners in helping me complete my education.

       For help with this, I've learned that there are a few simple steps I could take towards coping with this fear. According to helpguide.org, the first thing to do is make a list of frightening situations pertaining to your fear. Not "this is the worst thing that could happen", but rather situations that make you most anxious. For example, I get a little nervous in populated parks, and extremely nervous on campus. Second, arrange the items from least scary to most scary on your list. For me, I'd write down "the apartment laundry room, the park, campus..." and so on. Third, work your way up the ladder. Place yourself in these situations with small goals, such as staying for at least five minutes or until you no longer feel anxious. The more you can expose yourself to the reality of how safe these situations actually are, the easier it will be for you to navigate your way through your fears. The fourth step is to stay in practice and be patient with yourself. Don't push yourself so hard that you do more harm than good. Take it easy!

       Perfectionism

       I'm not happy earning average grades in areas I know I'm capable of doing a lot better in. I'm obsessed with constantly pushing the envelope and trying to find out for myself what I can really do. That said, I have a habit of over-committing and then burning out. I panic or give up when I realize I'm not going to be able to make something all that I had wanted it to be. When I see that trying to assemble something when I'm mentally exhausted and energetically bruised doesn't produce my best work (duh) I get beyond angry with myself.

       An article published by the University of Michigan's Student Life Counseling and Psychological Services, the best thing to do to cope with perfectionism and anxiety surrounding school performance are to arm yourself with "alternative thoughts". For example, instead of thinking, "I'm such a failure for only receiving a ninety-eight instead of a one-hundred and ten" (real complaint I had this semester), think "I highly doubt the grade I earned on this test is going to impact what I'm doing a year from now". Removing yourself emotionally from the disappointment and worry and general frustration of not doing as well as you'd hoped and taking a second to remember the big picture can have a big impact on your emotional and mental health. Explore why alternative thoughts can benefit you. Set reasonable time frames for working on assignments so you know you're dedicating a responsible amount of time to your work without obsessing over anything. Learn how to separate criticisms of your work from criticisms of your person. Most importantly, be realistic about what you can do. If I'm taking a lot of classes, have a lot of personal drama going on, am in poor health, etc. I'm not going to be at my top game all of the time. That doesn't mean I have to be a failure. I have the choice to delegate responsibilities, make decisions about which assignment is more important, and communicate with my instructors when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Classes I'm less passionate about and enjoy less will probably get worse grades out of me than the classes I love more. Classes that are directly related to my major will receive more of my energy than the classes that are more for general foundation requirements. This is the way that I need to prioritize everything for myself.

       Pent up energy and productivity

       I can't tell you how many times I've buzzed in my chair wanting to do 20 other things instead of my assignment. I've tried to wrestle against my desire to clean my apartment and research topics I'm a lot more interested in or engage in passion projects as opposed to writing a short essay for my education class or watching dull movies for anthropology. I'd yell at myself about how I needed to be more responsible and just sit down and do my work instead of avoiding it. All of the nagging in the world doesn't help me accomplish anything, though. 

       I've learned that the best thing I can do is respect my energy. If right now my chest is just burning from how badly I want to spray down my yoga mat and vacuum instead of take notes on another story I've already read at least twice since middle school, then that's what is going to happen. If I can't focus on my work because I'd rather be writing a book on practical medicine or things no one ever told me as a child of multiple divorces, then I'm going to let myself write until I'm exhausted. The key to doing this is providing myself with ample time to complete an assignment. If there's a strong likelihood that it's going to be lower on my list of things I really want to do, then I'm going to try and jump into working on it as soon as possible. That way I can more accurately time when to work and how to strategically place my attention so that it more easily flows back to my school obligations. For example, to write this essay I had to allow myself to clean my apartment from top to bottom (the movement allowed me to think more clearly about what it was I really wanted to say) and then write a blog post pertaining to the essay (because as many ideas as I've had flowing, the MLA format just stole my energy flow away from me. I was more energized writing it in a blog format, so I did that first), taking breaks in between to read articles about various endangered species and practice yoga.

       For all of the authors there are in the world, I haven't managed to find a lot of advice on how to balance my school life with working on creative projects. Writing a book is hard, and writing a book in conjunction with five essays can be even harder! The best piece of advice I've managed to find comes from a wonderful author and youtuber, Jenna Moreci. Jenna's advice such as communicate with people when you need to dedicate time to creating instead of hanging out, and prioritizing writing over lazing about.

       For me, I had to re-design my academic career (aka pursue a different degree) that would allow me to study something that connects with my writing a bit more intimately. Creating a system where I could better respect my own energy flow has led to me being more productive and more comfortable with my long list of responsibilities. I really want to do everything! None of my classes bore me, because I'm passionate about school. However, now I can really enjoy accomplishing all of my goals as I trust my own process. So yes, make hard decisions and prioritize. Remember that sometimes the key to being able to accomplish more menial tasks is to allow yourself to produce more fulfilling things.

       The Most Important thing to know:

       My greatest piece of advice ever on going to college, though, is just go! Take that risk! Put yourself in an environment that allows you to grow outside of your comfort zone and develop your mind. I've learned so much just about myself from only one semester at Boise State! Imagine how much you can nourish yourself when you take the leap and get in the classroom. 

       Works Cited:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/phobias-and-irrational-fears.htm/

Moreci, Writing with Jenna. “How to Write with a Full-Time Job (or School) (or Life in General).” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Feb. 2018, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BVQ5km8b34.

“M Counseling and Psychological Services.” U, caps.umich.edu/content/coping-perfectionism.