I'm very fortunate for so many reasons, and my friendships absolutely top that list. You will never meet a more loyal bunch than the people I call "friends". There are so many times I feel simply inadequate when I think of how great they are to me.
Recently, I learned a big lesson in friendship; They always recover. Let me spill the tea and share how I mopped it up!
If you are in my personal circle, you know I went through a big lifestyle transition not too long ago. Sometimes a fire continues to burn days after you've razed a city. There's one aspect of my old life that I'd shared in common with nearly every single one of my best friends, and many of them still actively participated in it.
Upon first departure from this aspect (okay, I'll name it. I left the mormon church!) I had been determined to harbor love for it despite how worn it had left me. "It's good for others, just not for me" had been my mantra, and I still wanted great things for that community. However, at some point I stumbled and fell down the rabbit hole and began educating myself on the real history of the church, as well as finally calling a spade a spade and coming to terms with the abuses I'd experienced and other toxic practices I'd tolerated. I was slowly losing my patience and grace for the church and it was harder every day for me to hold my tongue.
I had moved from a state of peace to a state of resentment towards the church, and as much as I tried to fight against that transition for the sake of my invaluable friendships, it was getting the better of me. As my anger got the better of me, it got the better of my friendship with someone I love so, so much until we eventually came to an explosion.
The "break up" was painful. I felt so empty. Here I'd lost this person who had meant so much to me. It had been my decision to break ties in the first place. I'd determined that if I was going to be this angry at something that they held so dear, I wasn't capable of being the friend they needed. The only responsible thing for me to do, in my mind, was to finally break things off. At first I missed this person deeply, and would quickly shut my thoughts of missing them off with a "it doesn't matter that you miss XXXXX. It doesn't change anything." Eventually, though, it evolved into a depth of missing them that far surpassed my jaded belief. There were too many things that reminded me of this person. I had too many memes to share and memories to reflect on. I'd decided to try my luck on my luckiest day, St. Patrick's Day. Nothing bad had ever happened to me on that day in my two decades of life, and it couldn't fail me now. I was nervous that this person wouldn't respond, or worse, would respond with anger. Nevertheless, I sent an ice breaker and hoped for the best; The best came.
From there we talked a bit, and then the flood gates broke and we confessed how much we missed each other. We mended things over and well...the rest is history!
My advice to everyone who is dealing with issues with people they hold dear is:
I wouldn't give any of my best friends up for anything. I know that when I went through this pause in my friendship, it felt like things would never get better between us. I believed that because we'd stopped talking and we're in our twenties that there was no way things could get better. I thought reconciliation would only have been possible for people who had 6 classes a day together. I'm so glad I was wrong. Give your friendships your all. Enjoy every bit of it. It'll all be worth it.
Recently, I learned a big lesson in friendship; They always recover. Let me spill the tea and share how I mopped it up!
If you are in my personal circle, you know I went through a big lifestyle transition not too long ago. Sometimes a fire continues to burn days after you've razed a city. There's one aspect of my old life that I'd shared in common with nearly every single one of my best friends, and many of them still actively participated in it.
Upon first departure from this aspect (okay, I'll name it. I left the mormon church!) I had been determined to harbor love for it despite how worn it had left me. "It's good for others, just not for me" had been my mantra, and I still wanted great things for that community. However, at some point I stumbled and fell down the rabbit hole and began educating myself on the real history of the church, as well as finally calling a spade a spade and coming to terms with the abuses I'd experienced and other toxic practices I'd tolerated. I was slowly losing my patience and grace for the church and it was harder every day for me to hold my tongue.
I had moved from a state of peace to a state of resentment towards the church, and as much as I tried to fight against that transition for the sake of my invaluable friendships, it was getting the better of me. As my anger got the better of me, it got the better of my friendship with someone I love so, so much until we eventually came to an explosion.
The "break up" was painful. I felt so empty. Here I'd lost this person who had meant so much to me. It had been my decision to break ties in the first place. I'd determined that if I was going to be this angry at something that they held so dear, I wasn't capable of being the friend they needed. The only responsible thing for me to do, in my mind, was to finally break things off. At first I missed this person deeply, and would quickly shut my thoughts of missing them off with a "it doesn't matter that you miss XXXXX. It doesn't change anything." Eventually, though, it evolved into a depth of missing them that far surpassed my jaded belief. There were too many things that reminded me of this person. I had too many memes to share and memories to reflect on. I'd decided to try my luck on my luckiest day, St. Patrick's Day. Nothing bad had ever happened to me on that day in my two decades of life, and it couldn't fail me now. I was nervous that this person wouldn't respond, or worse, would respond with anger. Nevertheless, I sent an ice breaker and hoped for the best; The best came.
From there we talked a bit, and then the flood gates broke and we confessed how much we missed each other. We mended things over and well...the rest is history!
My advice to everyone who is dealing with issues with people they hold dear is:
Figure out what the real source of the issue is.
Is it that the other person makes you feel inadequate? Are there recurring issues that persist after they've been addressed? Are you experiencing growing pains? Maybe you're having a selfish moment? Try to be honest with yourself and really take time to identify the issue.Try taking a break.
Sometimes people just need breaks from each other! When a relationship of any kind becomes really involved, it can become messy. Try getting some substantial space and see how your attitude changes.
Never take a great thing for granted.
"Breaking up" with this person (or so I'd thought) was difficult, not just because they're an amazing person, but because I felt like I was being ungrateful. This person had been so patient with me for so long. They've been my friend through all of my crises. I've had so many issues to recklessly crash through and so many lessons I had to learn the painful way. From fertility struggles to struggling to figure out what to have for lunch, this person was there. They kept my secrets and supported me when I dug myself into holes I didn't see a way out of. To throw all of that away felt irresponsible and absolutely disrespectful. To tell the truth, I'm not sure what I told myself to get through that. If you're considering breaking it off with someone, be sure to honor those wonderful memories. No, the amazing moments of the past don't oblige you to stay in a relationship that is toxic to you or the other person or both. However, acknowledging and honoring those moments, even if it's just sending the person a message saying "thank you" will make the whole transition a lot easier.Do all things with love.
Just because things are ending (or pausing) doesn't mean you have to be angry or hurt someone else. You should try to end things with kindness and courtesy. This person once meant a lot to you.Stay hopeful.
Leave that door open (if the person wasn't abusive). You never know what could happen tomorrow. Life is always throwing curveballs. Take it all for what it is and keep a soft heart.I wouldn't give any of my best friends up for anything. I know that when I went through this pause in my friendship, it felt like things would never get better between us. I believed that because we'd stopped talking and we're in our twenties that there was no way things could get better. I thought reconciliation would only have been possible for people who had 6 classes a day together. I'm so glad I was wrong. Give your friendships your all. Enjoy every bit of it. It'll all be worth it.
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