NaNoWriMo Tips for Authors Who Have No Idea What They're Doing

        NaNoWriMo starts Wednesday, November 1st, and what I lack in preparation, I make up for in enthusiasm! Isn't that how most of us feel? NaNoWriMo has been going on for two years now, and in those two years many a book has been started on November 1st and abandoned by November 2nd. i decided the best thing I could do was compile a list of tips to help us all be a little more successful in pursuing our goals of producing something worth reading!

       1) What past rough drafts do you have? If you started a book long ago, or have some sort of story idea you've been sitting on for a while, look into those! It's not cheating in my book, and it could spark some inspiration!
       2) Write from the heart. I get so shy about my writing sometimes, because I want to write about a wide variety of things some people would be too sensitive to read (like murder, crime, using realistic language for characters, etc). I decided very early on in that struggle though, there's two different kinds of readers; those who are reading the actual novel (absorbing the craftsmanship, reveling in the structure of the story and the characters, picking up on every detail of symbolism and foreshadowing, and so on) and those who read to be served (they just want to read the same story told fifty different ways, don't really have minds capable of appreciating literature, have sticks up their butts and need everything spoon-fed to them). I hold a lot of aggression for the latter, because they're the reason books get banned. There's a special place in hell for people who are pro-censorship in any form.
       Moving on from that rant, write the story your soul wants to write. It's okay if the old ladies from church couldn't handle the word choice of chapter three, or you think your kindergarten teacher would feel scandalized by reading the summary of your novel. If you have a story to tell, tell it!
       3) It doesn't have to be fiction! There are so many different genres that need served. I was raised by a mother who was a very big fan of high fantasy and sci fi. I couldn't stand many of those novels, because they either felt like the same story retold over and over, or they were too melodramatic for me. Just my opinion! However, I did like realistic fiction. As i explored the concept of real life being put on the page via realistic fiction, biographies, and texts on philosophy, a lot of non-fictional work bubbled up inside me. If you just want to write your life story, that's fine!
       4) Write what you would want to read. It doesn't matter if your book follows a standard format or not. You're allowed to change the world of books as we know it.
        5) Start from the inspiration, not the beginning. So many authors lose momentum, because they feel they have to start from the very beginning, or have the chapter/novel titled before they can move on to writing the scene in their head. Well, here's a secret for you; You don't have to do that! Start from the scene your obsessing over and let the book write itself. If you want to continue from there writing everything that happens after, or if you feel moved to construct the beginning after you write the end, that's fine! No one can dictate how you write, and there are no rules! Even if there were rules, I'd break them.
       6) Consider getting a group chat with friends where you can share your progress. It's always fun to write books where the characters are based off of friends, or to write books where friends are heavily involved. You might find it motivational to keep your writing accessible to them and hear their reactions!
        7) Keep a positive attitude. Worried your writing is complete mierda (don't translate that if you don't know what it means!)? That's fine! Listen, in my time I've read many a novel. A lot of them have had horrendous plotholes, weak characters, inconsistent descriptions of the setting, and repetitive word choice. Still, the authors got their work published and many have become quite successful. I don't think any book is really perfect. No author really ever knows what they're doing. Focus on getting the story out, first. Then worry about editing. You can do that much!
       8) Give your book a fighting chance. You could be writing the book that inspires the next Hemmingway or Rowling or Dumas. You never know! You're your own worst critic, and you will see the best and worst phases of your book. Just stick with it, and let your novel prove itself.
       9) Consume what inspires you! Before I sit down to write, a lot of the time I'll watch the short film Lana Del Rey released back in 2013, called Tropico. The vibes Lana gives off, especially with this work, really resonates with something inside of me. It's not that this film makes me want to copy it or write similar things to it. Most of the things I produce after watching Tropico couldn't be less related to the film's concept. What that film does for me is take me back to my element, where I'm in my most creative and productive state. I love it! I also prepare myself with a few writing playlists, where they carry vibes for adventure, gothic drama, inner city chaotic stills, even some film noir. This helps me stay focused on the scene at hand. Keep yourself in the write headspace, whatever that means for you and your story!
       10) Have as much fun as you can! We all know writing can be a very daunting and turbulent task. It's hard when you get down on yourself or become exhausted. Pace yourself, believe in yourself, and try your best to make the most of it! You can do it!

       Best of luck creating your many worlds! Remember, the whole purpose of NaNoWriMo is to help authors accomplish their goals by giving them a steady pace, and introducing them to a community filled with like-minded artists. You can do this! 

Trying Really Hard to be Okay, and 30DHC Updates

       

       Run ins with real issues

       The happiness challenge was created in an effort to help others find peace. However, sometimes the path to peace isn't so peaceful. I'm a firm believer that when we turn our energy and attention to healing or positivity, a flood of resources come to us in the form of song, friendship, and inspiration. I want to share a conversation I had with a friend, we'll call Michelle or "M". M came to me, wanting to talk about the 30 Day Happiness Challenge and her hang ups with it. I wasn't familiar with her, she'd found my blog through a friend. All the same, she reached out to me when the 30DHC forced her to come face-to-face with a lifelong struggle, and we had a very deep and enlightening conversation, and with her permission I'm adding it here:

       M: I really love the idea of the 30DHC. It's smart because it's a good distraction from the negativity and heartache we all tend to face, I think it's empowering. I'm really struggling with it though. I've been stuck in this feeling of abandonment, and I don't know how to get through it. Do you have any suggestions? 

       It turns out, M had learned at a young age that she was unsafe. Her home-life was in shambles, as she and her younger sister were often rotated from family member to family member. She'd be told she was staying with an aunt for just a week, and it would turn into three months. When she was at home, it was normally only ever with one parent who didn't seem to have the time or interest to take care of her and her sister. She was met with a lot of frustration and anger, and was never really anywhere long enough to settle into a routine. I asked her if she could remember a time where she had felt safe and secure. She had in fact, but that was only in a past relationship, and it wasn't to a full degree. "I remember thinking, 'I feel like I could do anything and he'd stay with me. At the same time, I felt like if I didn't exhaust myself for him, he'd lose interest and he wouldn't stay. If I wasn't special and I wasn't making myself useful to him, why would he want to continue dating me?"

       Abandonment can be a hard trial/feeling to overcome. It leaves you feeling fundamentally unsafe, insecure, unworthy, unwanted, insignificant, like you have to barter or beg for love. Some people develop this issue from more socially accepted/hollywood dramatized scenarios, like when attacked by a loved one, a parent leaving the home, or even being the child of a divorce. Others have a harder time identifying the origin of their abandonment issues, and may feel like they're weak or oversensitive for having those issues due to something they've been taught is relatively insignificant. I believe that everyone is built differently, what hardens the egg also softens the potato, and you have a right to feel however you feel, regardless of what the cause is. 

       So, M and I talked some more about her feelings. We tried to think about what the opposite of her feelings were and tried to feel them ourselves in the moment. This was a struggle, as the feelings of security, worth, safety, and being desired and adored and loved unconditionally were foreign to her, and in her words, "things I've never actually experienced before". Since it was indeed hard for her to imagine those feelings, we tried to find them in forms of movies or songs, and even found a couple of books that would help her out in terms of examples of healthy self-image and relationships. 

       After, we discussed what the 30DHC was. It was an invitation to seek happiness and choose to feel good instead of committing to a rut. I said to her, "M, it can be extremely difficult to stop singing a song of pain after you've been reciting it for months, even years, maybe even your entire conscious life. However, it is possible. You just have to turn around and sing the opposite tune". It's true! When in pursuit of turning your life around, it can be a huge challenge to even comprehend what any healthy feeling might look like. The good news is, positivity is something that can be practiced, and it can be invoked anywhere at any time. 

        Feeling so much better!

       The tips I shared with M are thoughts I wanted to share with all of you, because all of us could use them to one extent or another. If you are struggling with feelings of being not enough, of abandonment, of disappointment, etc. here's a list of ways you can overcome those instead of giving up on the 30DHC: 

        1) Acknowledge the problem. Say, "I feel abandoned", then describe what that means or you. For M, that meant feeling like she was unworthy of love, unnoticed or undesired, and like she would never have a real, solid home or family. There could be physical symptoms too, like lethargy, weight gain/loss, muscle aches or stiffness, etc. 

       2) Handle the problem. Determine that you don't want to live in a state of sadness, depression, fear, etc. anymore. Then look to what the opposite of that feeling is. The opposite of feeling undesirable is celebrating our uniqueness and our gifts and ability to love others. The opposite of not feeling good enough is feeling the love you have for yourself. Unsafe turns to loved by many and protected. Whatever the opposite feeling is, find it and practice feeling it. 

       3) Get in the habit of practicing other positive feelings, especially if the complete contrasting feeling of your stumbling block is too hard to channel for the time being. Often times I find myself with my favorite friends or laughing out loud at funny videos, maybe even dancing alone in the dark to my favorite songs (but never actually because I don't dance, I swear it!). This opens me up to more positive feelings at best, and gives me a break from the same old "my life sucks and I'm so sad" routine we all get sick of. Put yourself intentionally in happy situations and you will find yourself loosening up more and more, everyday.

      4) Reach out to the people you trust the most. A friend, a family member, a blogger you love, or even a teacher or therapist, all of these people are worth considering to see if you can have a deep conversation with them. Talk to them about how you're feeling, what you're struggling with and what's going right. Sometimes when we talk things out, we have an easier time uprooting the issue. It's okay to open up and say, "I need more support", "I could use some affirmative words more often", "This is how you can help me". 

       5) Let it go. Our pains don't necessarily make us more interesting people. What we do about them, though, that makes us interesting. You gain nothing from clinging to the familiarity of deep-seated wounds. When you release them, and trade them out for kinder, happier identities and experiences, that's when your life changes. You don't have to expect yourself to be fully healed within a day, or a week, or even a month of beginning to work on yourself. However, you should be expecting some degree of progress. 

       6) Continue to show love to others, as well. Forgive when you need forgiveness. Cheer someone on when you need to be assured. Listen when you need listened to. Being in the practice of showing love for others can often make it easier for ourselves to recognize and accept when others are doing the same for us.

        My experience so far

       I've really noticed how diverse "happiness" can appear. I'll be talking more about that in my next post, but I definitely realize that what feels right and healthy for me is much different than what other people want/need. I'm grateful for the self-awareness this has brought me, as well as the opportunity to heal others as I embark on my own journey.

       Best of luck on all of your journeys, you guys! We are a week into the 30DHC, but that doesn't mean it's too late for you to start or pick up where you left off! This is an opportunity to get to know yourselves better, to heal, and to participate in the healing of others. Keep up the great work and gratitude!

30 Day Happiness Challenge: Day Two

       Finding a Peaceful Place

       We're all in this together!

        I was asked about what to do when the pain is just too great and painful, negative thoughts seem to be unavoidable. In short, the answer was, "find a peaceful place". Here are some ways of doing that:

Focus Wheel: On the side of a page, write down the bad feeling(s) you're experiencing. Then, at the center, write down the opposite emotion of that. For example, if you're having a hard time getting over loneliness, write "loneliness" on the side of the page, and in the center, write "secure" or "loved". From there, continue to write down positive words and experiences that remind you of those positive, healing feelings.
Start Where You Are: If you're currently hung up about a person, this one is most helpful. If you can't think about something/someone without getting angry, feeling hurt, etc. visualize the most positive experience you could possibly have with the situation/person. As you work at it, you'll continue to think of more positive thoughts, and get right back to feeling happy!
Practice Mantras: I often repeat terms like "trust", "allow", "let off that gas pedal", and "let's deal with that later". Find something that reminds you to stay in control or calm down, something that brings you back to focus, and repeat it to yourself in the heat of the moment.
Feel your feelings, but don't wallow in them: It's perfectly fine and healthy to respond emotionally to various events that come to pass. If you need to cry, cry! If you need to feel exasperated, that's fine, too. Occasionally, we run into some hard times and experiences. Let yourself process and take your time! That said, don't cling to it. You'll know it's time to move on when you start to feel yourself choose to be sad/feel like a victim/be angry/etc instead of it being more of a reflex/reaction. 

Get Around Positive Things and People: If there is a movie that cracks you up, put it on! If there are people who make you feel happy to be alive, visit them! Whatever raises your mood, don't hold back from doing those things! 

Ask For Help: If you're really struggling to feel happy, or are feeling deeply troubled about something, don't be afraid to reach out to someone you love and trust and talk to them about what you're going through. Thanks to friendship, we don't have to rely on our own strength! Often times, those closest to us can help us shift our perspective. Open up!

Practice Self Care: Whether this means taking extra time to do your makeup, clean your space, etc. you need to do it! When we take even five minutes to do something kind to ourselves, our lives get much better! Take care of yourself!

       How I'm Personally Fairing

       I'm always grateful for the funny moments that come to pass in my living room. I'm also grateful for the fun times that happen in other obscure places, such as the taco bell drive through! All in all, I'm doing pretty well with this challenge. I'm not going to lie, there's someone I'd really love to offer some cruel words to, and that definitely gets the better of me sometimes. I've really been trying to focus in those moments, and I'm pretty happy!

        Keep up the fabulous work, you guys! I know you all can take hold of your emotions, and make your lives your own! Remember to be grateful.

Day One of 30 Day Happiness Challenge: My Experience

       Hey all! So, I was asked by a couple of you to regularly keep track of my experiences and share any helpful insights I might earn on here, as a method of aiding you! Of course, I'm more than willing to do that, and I'm very excited to share with you how it's been!

       Blessings:

        By far, my friends! I have so many, and it's easy to forget that. With all of the memories I've made in the past three years though, I have to count them all as blessings. I'm so truly grateful for the laughs, the adventures, the love, the support, and the strength we've all offered one another. Some family is by blood, but this family is the best choice I've ever made. Another of course, is my cat. That little intuitive fur ball knows exactly what I need. I'm grateful for the many resources I have, be it my makeup, my laptop, my bed, my food, etc. I have so many things that make my life easier, and I'm glad to live such a privileged life. I'm grateful for my talents and passions, which take me exactly where I need to go. Most of all, I'm grateful for the experiences this life has brought me. My twenty years has already taught me so much about who I am, what I want, what my role in the universe is, and I can only imagine how much more I'll come to know as time passes. There's so much to learn in this world, so much to experience. We learn basic lessons like we don't heartbreak, we love to serve, nothing feels better than genuinely expressing gratitude and love, ketchup wasn't met for macaroni and cheese (fight me if you think otherwise!), etc. We always learn in the best ways for us. What a magical life we all live!

       How Day One Went:

       So, I expected better of myself, but I'm not mad! I caught myself mentally kind of going to more powerless/angry/disappointed places, but it wasn't in vain. I'd catch myself there, and I'd say "we can think that thought in about 30 days. For now, let's ease up on that gas pedal and head down this other way", and I let it go. There's something so comforting in knowing that I have the power to choose my thoughts. We fall into habits, but habits were made to be broken! I'm grateful for my ability to be present enough to choose a higher thought. 

       When I'm on the brink of sleep is usually when my anxieties set in. That's when I get a lot of "I'll never be able to do this", "I wish this was different", "This is the only thing I've ever regretted," etc. For a little while, I'd been so stuck in that feeling, I was scared I wasn't going to be able to think another happy thought for a long, long time. Like, we're talking weeks. That said, I offered up a kind of meditation, saying "I completely surrender this. I surrender these thoughts, I surrender my attachment to negative feelings and experiences, I give them all up. I want to be happy. I want to feel content." To give up on feeling negative feelings and choose to just feel better is a welcomed, relieving moment. 

       What Day One Taught Me:

       I gained a firmer understanding of how much control we have over our thoughts and attitudes. I could have skipped out on a lot of fun and pursued my feelings of pure exhaustion after a segment of people time, but instead I pursued a higher feeling of love and friendship that led to a night filled with laughter! Due to my initial struggle to get things under control, I also realized that just because we aren't getting everything perfect at first doesn't mean we have to give up. I tend to have two settings: High angst perfectionist, or completely aloof apathy. To be able to take things as they are and just be satisfied with my best, that was a big step in the right direction for me! 

       One of my goals for this experience was to feel my own power return to me. I wanted to be reminded of how formidable I was, to remember that I move my own mountains. Flashes of that has come back, and it's exciting! 

       Mantras and Reminders I've Used

       "Just trust. Juuuuuust trust. Everything is going to be fine. Just trust."

       "We don't need to think about that right now, all it's doing is stressing us out. Let's calm down and think about something else." (Yes, I grew up with siblings in such a manner that even my inner monologue speaks in "we's" instead of "I's"!) 

       "This movie makes me happy...and so does this show...so does my cat...so do my friends..." AKA just trying to figure out where to go to get to higher land.

       "You don't need to get there instantly, you just need to get there."

       "Every moment spent like this is a moment spent well."

       My Tips to Struggling Participants

       So far, all I can really say is try and learn how to stay present, and choose to be in control of yourself. No one can make you angry, you choose to react that way to certain stimuli. You can turn it around as soon as you want to! More importantly, don't give up! It's early on in the game, you probably have a lot of negative habits to break (I know I do). Relax, and just take it one day at a time. Just because it's called "30 Day Challenge" doesn't mean it only can last 30 days, and that doesn't mean it has to be a challenge! If the going gets rough, just count your many lucky stars.

       Every moment spent choosing to be loving or grateful is another moment you've grown stronger, and another moment you've grown closer to your goal! Anyone can do this, especially you!

       I'm so grateful for you all! I'm here to help! Remember to take note of all of the many blessings/lucky coincidences/whatever else you want to call them, as regularly as possible! If you need any help getting into a positive thought space, or figuring out what to do, you can certainly ask me! Thanks for all of your love, support, and enthusiasm!

The 30 Day Happiness Challenge

       What it is:

       With all of the craziness happening in everyone's lives, I think we all could use a little rejuvenation of the mind and soul. It's so easy to get caught up in the many disasters we're dealing with in the world, but progress comes from a more positive mindset. 

      With this challenge, you're not turning a blind eye to the many issues of the world. Happiness is not synonymous with denial. 

      ^This is not what anyone would ever suggest doing.

       Instead, you focus on what's going right. Focus on what you can be grateful for. Then take it to the next level, and meditate on feelings as if you're the happiest person in the world. Think about what it would be like to have all of your dreams come true. 

       Let me break it down for you. Do's:

-Acknowledge/make time to follow your passions. If an idea pops into your head like "gosh, I'd really just like to veg out and watch a funny show", do that! You never know when inspiration will hit, and following your happiness will only lead to more inspiration.

-Monitor your thoughts. If you catch yourself thinking "Man, X really sucks" change it to "I feel really great about Y!" In other words, if you're finding yourself in a situation that's making you sad, depressed, irritated, etc. and absolutely can't find one good thing about it, change your attention to something that makes you happy until you're out of the funk. 

-Give yourself some space. If there's something that's been weighing really heavily on your mind, whether it's something urgent and stressful, or something that just makes you anxious, give yourself a break. Say "I'll deal with that when I'm ready" and try to relax and have fun. A lot of the time, we get so stuck in a panic, it's like our brains are cramping up! If we relax our minds and go somewhere else for a bit, we'll be able to find the inspiration to look at the situation differently, and find a solution we're comfortable with. 

-Spread the positivity! If you're feeling down on yourself, find something to compliment others on, or help them out in some way!

-Feel gratitude. Be grateful for everything that went right today, thank your friends and family for being so good to you or helping you make wonderful memories. Maybe even feel grateful about great things that are on their way to you! Just feel gratitude. 

       Don'ts:

-Don't halt happy thoughts in their midst. I catch myself doing this a lot! I stop a happy thought because I want to be "realistic". But really, that happy thought could have led somewhere. Allow the good vibes to flow.

-Don't give into jealousy, hopelessness, fear, pain, etc. You are in charge of how you feel and you can react however you want to to the things that happen in life. 

-Don't give up, on yourself or anyone/thing else. 

-Don't neglect yourself.

       The activity:

       So, what you're going to do during this challenge is:

Day 1: Write down something(s) you want to accomplish. Do you want a better job, to earn the best grades, to get along with others better...? Write it down in a "by the end of these 30 days I will have accomplished ____". Then write about why it's possible. I'll use mine for demonstration:

       By the end of these 30 days, I will have written something life changing. This is possible, because when I'm feeling happy, my creative juices flow more and I notice that incredible things happen with hardly any warning, and I accomplish crazy-awesome things!

       After this, write down all of the positive thoughts that come to you, anything that feels good, like "I've already accomplished so much," "I've had so many wonderful moments in my life, I know it can happen again," "incredible things have always happened to the most ordinary people," "if nothing else, I deserve to be happy". 

Day 2-29: You can choose to write every day, or every five days depending on what feels best to you. In these entries, you don't necessarily have to focus on where you are in proximity with your goal. However, you should take this time to reflect on how your mood has improved and any "tender mercies" or exciting happenings, or why you're grateful. 

Day 30: Reflect on how much you've grown. What happened during this challenge? Did you get on track to reach your goal, have you noticed yourself relying on your intuition a little more, have your thought patterns shifted, has your life changed? Write all about it, and don't forget the gratitude! And of course, share your progress with others!

       A grateful heart leads to an accomplished soul! In my experience, all of my best progress has come when I was trusting, happy, confident, and grateful. The best friendships I've ever formed, greatest books I've ever written, and my favorite miracles have appeared all when I was expecting great things, and allowing myself to live in my own space. I hope you experience something similar!

      Another huge thank you to my readers! You make my world go round. Share the happiness and keep making this world a better place! Love to you all!

Be Alive

       Firstly, I offer my sincerest gratitude to all of my readers! So many of you are people I've never met personally, and it blows my mind that you're here so often, reading my words and sharing them with your friends. Writing is my life, and it validates me even further to see that I'm producing something that is actually helpful or inspiring to someone! Absolutely blown away. Thank you!

       Lately, there's been a lot of negativity to be found. Many women have stepped out and identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment/assault, an important step for everyone involved. There's been scandal after scandal pertaining to the guy living in the whitehouse. In my personal life, I've been progressively sicker and sicker, acknowledged the 5th anniversary of the suicide of my dearest best friend, and have had to say some incredibly hard goodbyes. I can only imagine that you all have also had some trying times recently. So, I felt moved to share my silver lining with you all.

      Feel it out

       I think it's important to point out that we all have permission to hurt. Feel it out! Suppression only feeds. Secrets, pain, these things only grow when stuffed in the dark. When life happens and you experience loss, heartbreak, fear, disappointment, anxiety, hopelessness, etc feel it. Take your time to mourn. This is your life, these hard moments were bring depth and complexity to our lives that in the long run benefits us, even when we can't see that at first. 

       We are meant to experience contrast, to make choices, to overcome, to learn, to help, and most importantly, to live and thrive. Call things by their names. For example, I said a goodbye that made me face my current situation a little too head-on. I was overcome with feelings of desperation, guilt, fear, and heartbreak of all sorts. I think that was the first time my best friend ever saw me cry! It was a very, very hard few days. I don't typically feel comfortable acknowledging pain. I'm completely unbreakable, but I'm absolutely bendable, and I really do hate bending. This time, instead of pushing it aside and ignoring the pain, I confessed, and I reached out for help from the only person who could do so. 

       It took me a few days to get okay. Night one was me bawling. I had to be alone for a bit to completely lose my crap. I'm talking some lifetime movie crying. I didn't believe people ever actually cried that way. Then I texted my homegirl, told her what was going on, and she came over and just kept me company. Being around her, I didn't try and pretend that I wasn't okay, or use her presence as motivation to suppress anything. Instead, I just let life do what it needed to do, and took comfort in her ability to soothe me. When we went to bed, I cried it out some more, poked and prodded emotionally to see what I could stand to think about or do or listen to, and I respected my limits, and eventually fell asleep. 

      Progression 

       The next day, pertaining to this particular pain in my life, I did a little better. I couldn't stand to listen to music or watch movies, except I could listen to some classical and podcasts. So, I let the podcasts and music fill the silence and I cuddled my cat, Tupac, a lot. There was still a lot of crying, a lot of hurting, a lot of very real agony. I made myself eat and drink and take care of myself as far as the basics are concerned, but I still respected my space. I didn't want to talk to or see anyone but my best friend, and it was fine. That night, it was a little easier to fall asleep, but I could only stand rain sounds. Pain turns us into odd little ducks. 

   

      I won't walk you through what everyday was like specifically, but I will tell you one critical detail: I desperately wanted to be happy and powerful again. I wanted to be more powerful than I was before this whole ordeal had happened. It was so important not only that I stand up again, but that I run faster than ever before (this is the only time you will ever hear me saying anything about running with a positive connotation). So, I went out of my way to take care of myself in ways I'd previously been too distracted to. I let the warm water run on me in my pitch black bathroom and ran warm cloths filled with peppermint oil over my forehead and watched funny videos in my comfy bed and spent an abundance of time with Tupac and cleaned up my many playlists on spotify, and just took care of me. As I continued to take care of me, I continued to heal. 

       The podcasts I focused on all talked about the power of positive thinking, which played a critical part in getting me to quit beating the old drum of heartbreak and start playing the tune of triumph. When we get in dark or painful places, I can't express how important it is to turn our attention to positive, constructive ideas. Ideas filled with self-love, hope, and practical advice for getting your crap together filled my head thanks to the many wonderful philosophers out there working towards spreading positivity in the world. This all paired with the help of an amazing personal support system made mountains move. 

       If you want to make progress, you have to move. Move at your own pace, take it hour to hour or day to day or minute to minute, whatever feels best to you. Do not push yourself more than is necessary. Become your own mother inside your head, show yourself gentleness and compassion, be patient with yourself. Love is a positive emotion, show it to yourself.
       It's important to allow yourself to receive love and joy. Just because something terrible has happened or you've been negatively impacted by anything doesn't mean you don't have permission to experience happiness. You're also allowed to be doing stupendously one day, and regress the next. Progress is never linear, and it's okay to handle things like a human. You were not put on this planet to be an emotional convenience to everyone you meet, you came to learn and experience. Don't abandon your life's mission out of paranoia about what others must be thinking about you and your circumstance. Allow, allow, allow!

      Feeling better

       I'm not admitting this, you're absolutely not reading this, but if you could see me right now, I'm a nightmare! I'm blaring my music, which is all high-vibe music. I'm absolutely writing this on my bed, and I'm kind of dancing. I don't dance, but I'm smiling and loving the music and writing and feeling gratitude somethin' strong, and life is so good. I've come a long way since shrieking on my bedroom floor honestly terrified that I was going to cry so hard my inflamed lungs weren't going to be able to keep up. Did I dance with my cat to "Hair" by Little Mix? Absolutely. Did it feel, in the moment a few nights ago, like I'd ever be able to do that again? Of course not. 

       The secret to feeling better again is making the choice to. I'm still caring for myself, I'm keeping a close eye on my emotions, my heart still feels a little tender. I haven't asked myself to move on or get over anything or to stop feeling pain. That said, I'm choosing to raise my vibrations and make memories and enjoy the moment and embrace the love I'm surrounded by, because honestly, that's all I can do! Truly, I gain nothing by laying on any given flat surface in fetal position crying over the past, and I gain everything by dancing to the newer Taylor Swift music and accidentally realizing I freaking love my butt and being moved by how much I absolutely adore myself. Damn, I'm awesome! So, I'm sitting here testing myself. Am I ready for pop/hip-hop/indie music? Can I stand to talk to more people? Do I have the energy for this, that, and the other thing? I step out of my comfort zone and see how I do with those things, and I see I'm still pretty happy, and I just keep a forward momentum. 

       Something to keep in mind

       Where you are now is the consequence of the past. Tomorrow is not responsible for what you did yesterday. The pain that you might be experiencing is the result of past decisions. It's all a past life. There's really nothing else it can do to your current reality anymore. Take this for what it is. While you're feeling whatever you're feeling, figure out what you'd rather be feeling. Then, figure out how to get there, and do that! I don't like feeling desperate, I'd rather feel powerful. I can't control other people, but I can control me. For me, feeling powerful meant being able to write coherently and have a good time. I figured out what I had to do, got patient with myself, and got there. I listened to people I perceived as powerful, I embraced their work, I embraced my work, I focused on producing and I chose to risk having fun over being exhausted. It worked, and now I'm not even bothered by the last five days. 

       Every situation and every person is different, but what doesn't change is the fact that we have power over the future. You choose whether or not you're headed for a great time or a devastating blow. Open yourself only to progress, happiness, authenticity, and accomplishment. Never accept anything else as the answer. It's okay that you lost focus in the past, take this moment to refocus.

       You are powerful. You're a force to be reckoned with. Celebrate yourself, celebrate life, celebrate the lives you've been able to count as friends, and reach towards joy at every moment. You always have that option, regardless of circumstance. You've got this.

      Another huge thanks to my readers! I'm so, so grateful for my audience. The things I post come from my heart, and to be contacted by friends and strangers alike and hearing that I've helped them learn or have inspired progress in them absolutely warms my heart. Thank you for always reaching out, sharing your thoughts, and meeting me with gratitude. 

       

Me, Too.

       What it is.

       A number of people are posting "Me, too" as their status to bring awareness of sexual assault/harassment. These people are victims of one form or another of these crimes, ranging from girls getting fondled by peers in middle school, to date rape, etc. There's a variety of experiences out there, and I (as you should be, too) am simply heart broken, yet not surprised at the high volume of victims that I have in my social circle. It seems nearly everyone has experienced it. 

       What it isn't. 

       This movement of awareness is not an invitation for you to ask for details on what happened for them. This is not them inviting you into their trauma, it is to make you aware that it exists. This is not a cry for attention for themselves, but rather a way of calling attention to the issue. This has nothing to do with them as individuals, and everything to do with the trouble in our society.

       So many have opened up and identified themselves, yet still there are those who have experienced it and can't find the strength to say anything. To those who can not acknowledge the pain they've faced, I believe I speak for us all when I say we see you, we are here for you, we are pulling for you, we support you, and we love you. No one owes anyone their story, no one is entitled to your personal life. 

       What we hope to see.

       Again, I believe I speak for us all when I say we want to see improvement. We want to see progress. We want to see boys being able to speak up about their trauma without their "manhood" coming into question, we want to see young children going about their days worrying less about their bodies and more about the worlds they are currently building. I want to see my sisters on this planet walking down the street or from their car to their destination without having to turn their keys into makeshift weapons. I want to see my brothers on this planet treating themselves and others with respect. I want to see all of us being able to experience life without being told that where we are a victim we are at fault, or being pressured into becoming monsters. I want open minds and active hearts, and most of all, safe bodies. 

       What you can do.

       Question the way you were raised, both by society and in your family. Admit when something was toxic or divisive, and then don't perpetuate it. Listen when others open up to you. Acknowledge the role you've played, either as victim or assailant, and get the help you need to correct it. Apologize where necessary, heal what needs healed. Learn and expand your mind, see that there are multiple forms of abuse. Above all else, love those who surround you, and engage in the learn-teach dynamic we have in our society today. 

      Remember...

      You are not the dictator of what qualifies as traumatic, hurtful, or abusive towards another person. Some people lose all sense of safety from being groped repeatedly in the hallways. Others will have their worlds shaken in different ways. You don't get to decide whether that person has a right to be hurt or not. You can not know in the way that they do what they've experienced. Your job is to listen and show compassion when someone loves and trusts you enough to open up. 

       You should never feel ashamed or afraid to talk about your experiences. These sorts of things thrive in the shadows of secrecy. Name it, call it what it is, own your story, and heal it. You have within you what it takes to overcome any obstacle that comes your way, and you can become strong. 

       My heart goes out to everyone who is participating in the "me, too" event, both vocally and silently. We are all brothers and sisters in this, and I am so, so grateful for those who go out of their ways to heal and nurture. I offer my time to listen to those who need to speak. May healing and loving vibrations find you all, wherever you may be. It is my earnest desire that you will all make the most of your situations and experiences. 

Surviving a Best Friend's Suicide, 5 Years Later

       I want to talk about how wonderful Kati Rene Giannetto was. She was my support and my strength, the most loyal friend there ever was. This girl was the bravest woman I'd ever met, and the only other person I've ever met who's as passionate and free as I am. She knew what she wanted, and she'd go after it. She had the biggest heart, I mean the biggest heart. Kati would have fought the hulk if he'd looked at me sideways. Selfless, smart, hilarious, charismatic, open hearted, loyal, beautiful, thoughtful, this girl had it all. Truly, our friendship had been my solace and I will never have the words to express how loved she is, and how important her friendship still is to me.

       On this day, exactly 5 years ago, Kati posted something eerie on her facebook page. I don't remember how it began, but I remember it ending with "I love you all". I panicked immediately, and resented the fact that I'd just spent the last few hours napping when clearly my best friend had been scared and sad and alone. I called her, she didn't answer. I texted her asking if she was okay. She replied with what would be her last text to me ever, "No."

       I was never really okay again after that. Emotionally, I had no idea how I was supposed to react. Part of me hadn't processed it. I still think I'm waiting for her to call me up with some details on a date sometimes. I felt like there was a date due on when I was supposed to be over it, like I'd be allowed a week to mourn and then I had to get it together. I didn't know if being sad about it was making it about me, I didn't know if talking about it was exploiting what was really a tragedy that belonged to her. I was so hurt, I didn't know how to mourn, and I wanted her to come back. I still want her to come back.

       The process I went through

        One of the many blessings she brought into my life was a boy, whom at the time I wasn't dating, but ended up changing my life in every manner possible. He was (honestly, always will be) my rock.I could cry to him, confess my guilt, bear my soul to him, and he was so loving and supportive. We showed each other the true nature of our souls in that dark age, and I was grateful for that resource. 

       Let me make it clear, you never get over the death of a loved one. There's never a time you will forget them, the life and death of your loved ones will never become trivial. You can try and block out the pain, I know that there was a moment I was going to try really hard not to acknowledge that it ever happened. But truly, this is not something you can leave behind you, nor are you required to. 

       While I lost a chunk of my soul that day, I eventually came to the conclusion that I wanted to live the kind of life she'd be proud of, instead of wanting to die and join her. I was engaged to the boy she'd introduced me to, I was doing well in school, I just had to keep that will to live together and keep chugging along. I never ran out of tears, and I regularly ask her what she would do in certain situations, or how I got myself into those situations. There's many moments where I give an exasperated sigh and say, "Kati, call me, I'm dying." I wish she could have been here with me for so many moments, I wish I could have seen how her life could have panned out, too. All that said, dedicating my life to making it something she'd be happy to see really got the momentum running in the direction it needed to. 

       What I want to tell you

       If nothing else, I hope all of my readers know that they are allowed to mourn. I want them to know that they have every right to hurt for as long as they will. It's okay to feel loss, it's okay to bawl. It's not selfish to want them back. You're not distracting from the tragedy or disrespecting the dead by expressing to others how hurt you are and how terribly you miss them. Take your time, feel everything, experience it. This is life, it hurts sometimes, and suppression only makes it worse. 

      To others, I want what Kati and I went through to be an example. She didn't feel like life was worth living, and she passed away. I, myself, have been depressed for as long as I can remember and have survived a couple of suicide attempts. However, feeling the pain of her loss was sobering. In my darkest moments, I thought about that boy she'd introduced me to and how terribly off he'd be if he had to experience that with me. I could never do that to him. My heart hurts so much for Kati. I miss her so much I don't have adequate words to describe. She didn't believe anyone would miss her, and I'm sure many of my readers have had similar thoughts before. Let this be evidence that depression is a liar. Let this be a testament that everyone is loved. 

        I plead with everyone who reads this to reach out to those whom you're close with, as well as those with whom you've fallen out of connection with. Tell them how you feel, love boldly. Check in with each other, do what you can to help, and be honest with those who genuinely love you. 

        To my best friend Kati, I wish you could read this. I wish you could have held my heart in your hands and felt how loved you are. If I'd have been there, if I could have done anything, I would have. When I was told that your organs were failing, and you were dying, I genuinely would have given you my body to take instead. I love you so dearly, and I hope you're proud of me, wherever you are. I hope I still do enough to honor you and your memory. 

        Should anyone need it, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255

these are resources available if you're struggling with suicidal thoughts/depression. If you're on that edge, I say give it a try. What's one more moment? 

       Thank you for all of the love and support I've received, and all of my love and gratitude to those who continue to honor Kati and keep her memory alive.