On this day, exactly 5 years ago, Kati posted something eerie on her facebook page. I don't remember how it began, but I remember it ending with "I love you all". I panicked immediately, and resented the fact that I'd just spent the last few hours napping when clearly my best friend had been scared and sad and alone. I called her, she didn't answer. I texted her asking if she was okay. She replied with what would be her last text to me ever, "No."
I was never really okay again after that. Emotionally, I had no idea how I was supposed to react. Part of me hadn't processed it. I still think I'm waiting for her to call me up with some details on a date sometimes. I felt like there was a date due on when I was supposed to be over it, like I'd be allowed a week to mourn and then I had to get it together. I didn't know if being sad about it was making it about me, I didn't know if talking about it was exploiting what was really a tragedy that belonged to her. I was so hurt, I didn't know how to mourn, and I wanted her to come back. I still want her to come back.
The process I went through
One of the many blessings she brought into my life was a boy, whom at the time I wasn't dating, but ended up changing my life in every manner possible. He was (honestly, always will be) my rock.I could cry to him, confess my guilt, bear my soul to him, and he was so loving and supportive. We showed each other the true nature of our souls in that dark age, and I was grateful for that resource.
Let me make it clear, you never get over the death of a loved one. There's never a time you will forget them, the life and death of your loved ones will never become trivial. You can try and block out the pain, I know that there was a moment I was going to try really hard not to acknowledge that it ever happened. But truly, this is not something you can leave behind you, nor are you required to.
While I lost a chunk of my soul that day, I eventually came to the conclusion that I wanted to live the kind of life she'd be proud of, instead of wanting to die and join her. I was engaged to the boy she'd introduced me to, I was doing well in school, I just had to keep that will to live together and keep chugging along. I never ran out of tears, and I regularly ask her what she would do in certain situations, or how I got myself into those situations. There's many moments where I give an exasperated sigh and say, "Kati, call me, I'm dying." I wish she could have been here with me for so many moments, I wish I could have seen how her life could have panned out, too. All that said, dedicating my life to making it something she'd be happy to see really got the momentum running in the direction it needed to.
What I want to tell you
If nothing else, I hope all of my readers know that they are allowed to mourn. I want them to know that they have every right to hurt for as long as they will. It's okay to feel loss, it's okay to bawl. It's not selfish to want them back. You're not distracting from the tragedy or disrespecting the dead by expressing to others how hurt you are and how terribly you miss them. Take your time, feel everything, experience it. This is life, it hurts sometimes, and suppression only makes it worse.
To others, I want what Kati and I went through to be an example. She didn't feel like life was worth living, and she passed away. I, myself, have been depressed for as long as I can remember and have survived a couple of suicide attempts. However, feeling the pain of her loss was sobering. In my darkest moments, I thought about that boy she'd introduced me to and how terribly off he'd be if he had to experience that with me. I could never do that to him. My heart hurts so much for Kati. I miss her so much I don't have adequate words to describe. She didn't believe anyone would miss her, and I'm sure many of my readers have had similar thoughts before. Let this be evidence that depression is a liar. Let this be a testament that everyone is loved.
I plead with everyone who reads this to reach out to those whom you're close with, as well as those with whom you've fallen out of connection with. Tell them how you feel, love boldly. Check in with each other, do what you can to help, and be honest with those who genuinely love you.
To my best friend Kati, I wish you could read this. I wish you could have held my heart in your hands and felt how loved you are. If I'd have been there, if I could have done anything, I would have. When I was told that your organs were failing, and you were dying, I genuinely would have given you my body to take instead. I love you so dearly, and I hope you're proud of me, wherever you are. I hope I still do enough to honor you and your memory.
Should anyone need it, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
these are resources available if you're struggling with suicidal thoughts/depression. If you're on that edge, I say give it a try. What's one more moment?
Thank you for all of the love and support I've received, and all of my love and gratitude to those who continue to honor Kati and keep her memory alive.
No comments:
Post a Comment