Lately, there's been a lot of negativity to be found. Many women have stepped out and identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment/assault, an important step for everyone involved. There's been scandal after scandal pertaining to the guy living in the whitehouse. In my personal life, I've been progressively sicker and sicker, acknowledged the 5th anniversary of the suicide of my dearest best friend, and have had to say some incredibly hard goodbyes. I can only imagine that you all have also had some trying times recently. So, I felt moved to share my silver lining with you all.
Feel it out
I think it's important to point out that we all have permission to hurt. Feel it out! Suppression only feeds. Secrets, pain, these things only grow when stuffed in the dark. When life happens and you experience loss, heartbreak, fear, disappointment, anxiety, hopelessness, etc feel it. Take your time to mourn. This is your life, these hard moments were bring depth and complexity to our lives that in the long run benefits us, even when we can't see that at first.
We are meant to experience contrast, to make choices, to overcome, to learn, to help, and most importantly, to live and thrive. Call things by their names. For example, I said a goodbye that made me face my current situation a little too head-on. I was overcome with feelings of desperation, guilt, fear, and heartbreak of all sorts. I think that was the first time my best friend ever saw me cry! It was a very, very hard few days. I don't typically feel comfortable acknowledging pain. I'm completely unbreakable, but I'm absolutely bendable, and I really do hate bending. This time, instead of pushing it aside and ignoring the pain, I confessed, and I reached out for help from the only person who could do so.
It took me a few days to get okay. Night one was me bawling. I had to be alone for a bit to completely lose my crap. I'm talking some lifetime movie crying. I didn't believe people ever actually cried that way. Then I texted my homegirl, told her what was going on, and she came over and just kept me company. Being around her, I didn't try and pretend that I wasn't okay, or use her presence as motivation to suppress anything. Instead, I just let life do what it needed to do, and took comfort in her ability to soothe me. When we went to bed, I cried it out some more, poked and prodded emotionally to see what I could stand to think about or do or listen to, and I respected my limits, and eventually fell asleep.
Progression
The next day, pertaining to this particular pain in my life, I did a little better. I couldn't stand to listen to music or watch movies, except I could listen to some classical and podcasts. So, I let the podcasts and music fill the silence and I cuddled my cat, Tupac, a lot. There was still a lot of crying, a lot of hurting, a lot of very real agony. I made myself eat and drink and take care of myself as far as the basics are concerned, but I still respected my space. I didn't want to talk to or see anyone but my best friend, and it was fine. That night, it was a little easier to fall asleep, but I could only stand rain sounds. Pain turns us into odd little ducks.
I won't walk you through what everyday was like specifically, but I will tell you one critical detail: I desperately wanted to be happy and powerful again. I wanted to be more powerful than I was before this whole ordeal had happened. It was so important not only that I stand up again, but that I run faster than ever before (this is the only time you will ever hear me saying anything about running with a positive connotation). So, I went out of my way to take care of myself in ways I'd previously been too distracted to. I let the warm water run on me in my pitch black bathroom and ran warm cloths filled with peppermint oil over my forehead and watched funny videos in my comfy bed and spent an abundance of time with Tupac and cleaned up my many playlists on spotify, and just took care of me. As I continued to take care of me, I continued to heal.
The podcasts I focused on all talked about the power of positive thinking, which played a critical part in getting me to quit beating the old drum of heartbreak and start playing the tune of triumph. When we get in dark or painful places, I can't express how important it is to turn our attention to positive, constructive ideas. Ideas filled with self-love, hope, and practical advice for getting your crap together filled my head thanks to the many wonderful philosophers out there working towards spreading positivity in the world. This all paired with the help of an amazing personal support system made mountains move.
If you want to make progress, you have to move. Move at your own pace, take it hour to hour or day to day or minute to minute, whatever feels best to you. Do not push yourself more than is necessary. Become your own mother inside your head, show yourself gentleness and compassion, be patient with yourself. Love is a positive emotion, show it to yourself.
It's important to allow yourself to receive love and joy. Just because something terrible has happened or you've been negatively impacted by anything doesn't mean you don't have permission to experience happiness. You're also allowed to be doing stupendously one day, and regress the next. Progress is never linear, and it's okay to handle things like a human. You were not put on this planet to be an emotional convenience to everyone you meet, you came to learn and experience. Don't abandon your life's mission out of paranoia about what others must be thinking about you and your circumstance. Allow, allow, allow!
It's important to allow yourself to receive love and joy. Just because something terrible has happened or you've been negatively impacted by anything doesn't mean you don't have permission to experience happiness. You're also allowed to be doing stupendously one day, and regress the next. Progress is never linear, and it's okay to handle things like a human. You were not put on this planet to be an emotional convenience to everyone you meet, you came to learn and experience. Don't abandon your life's mission out of paranoia about what others must be thinking about you and your circumstance. Allow, allow, allow!
Feeling better
I'm not admitting this, you're absolutely not reading this, but if you could see me right now, I'm a nightmare! I'm blaring my music, which is all high-vibe music. I'm absolutely writing this on my bed, and I'm kind of dancing. I don't dance, but I'm smiling and loving the music and writing and feeling gratitude somethin' strong, and life is so good. I've come a long way since shrieking on my bedroom floor honestly terrified that I was going to cry so hard my inflamed lungs weren't going to be able to keep up. Did I dance with my cat to "Hair" by Little Mix? Absolutely. Did it feel, in the moment a few nights ago, like I'd ever be able to do that again? Of course not.
The secret to feeling better again is making the choice to. I'm still caring for myself, I'm keeping a close eye on my emotions, my heart still feels a little tender. I haven't asked myself to move on or get over anything or to stop feeling pain. That said, I'm choosing to raise my vibrations and make memories and enjoy the moment and embrace the love I'm surrounded by, because honestly, that's all I can do! Truly, I gain nothing by laying on any given flat surface in fetal position crying over the past, and I gain everything by dancing to the newer Taylor Swift music and accidentally realizing I freaking love my butt and being moved by how much I absolutely adore myself. Damn, I'm awesome! So, I'm sitting here testing myself. Am I ready for pop/hip-hop/indie music? Can I stand to talk to more people? Do I have the energy for this, that, and the other thing? I step out of my comfort zone and see how I do with those things, and I see I'm still pretty happy, and I just keep a forward momentum.
Something to keep in mind
Where you are now is the consequence of the past. Tomorrow is not responsible for what you did yesterday. The pain that you might be experiencing is the result of past decisions. It's all a past life. There's really nothing else it can do to your current reality anymore. Take this for what it is. While you're feeling whatever you're feeling, figure out what you'd rather be feeling. Then, figure out how to get there, and do that! I don't like feeling desperate, I'd rather feel powerful. I can't control other people, but I can control me. For me, feeling powerful meant being able to write coherently and have a good time. I figured out what I had to do, got patient with myself, and got there. I listened to people I perceived as powerful, I embraced their work, I embraced my work, I focused on producing and I chose to risk having fun over being exhausted. It worked, and now I'm not even bothered by the last five days.
Every situation and every person is different, but what doesn't change is the fact that we have power over the future. You choose whether or not you're headed for a great time or a devastating blow. Open yourself only to progress, happiness, authenticity, and accomplishment. Never accept anything else as the answer. It's okay that you lost focus in the past, take this moment to refocus.
You are powerful. You're a force to be reckoned with. Celebrate yourself, celebrate life, celebrate the lives you've been able to count as friends, and reach towards joy at every moment. You always have that option, regardless of circumstance. You've got this.
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