Run ins with real issues
The happiness challenge was created in an effort to help others find peace. However, sometimes the path to peace isn't so peaceful. I'm a firm believer that when we turn our energy and attention to healing or positivity, a flood of resources come to us in the form of song, friendship, and inspiration. I want to share a conversation I had with a friend, we'll call Michelle or "M". M came to me, wanting to talk about the 30 Day Happiness Challenge and her hang ups with it. I wasn't familiar with her, she'd found my blog through a friend. All the same, she reached out to me when the 30DHC forced her to come face-to-face with a lifelong struggle, and we had a very deep and enlightening conversation, and with her permission I'm adding it here:
M: I really love the idea of the 30DHC. It's smart because it's a good distraction from the negativity and heartache we all tend to face, I think it's empowering. I'm really struggling with it though. I've been stuck in this feeling of abandonment, and I don't know how to get through it. Do you have any suggestions?
It turns out, M had learned at a young age that she was unsafe. Her home-life was in shambles, as she and her younger sister were often rotated from family member to family member. She'd be told she was staying with an aunt for just a week, and it would turn into three months. When she was at home, it was normally only ever with one parent who didn't seem to have the time or interest to take care of her and her sister. She was met with a lot of frustration and anger, and was never really anywhere long enough to settle into a routine. I asked her if she could remember a time where she had felt safe and secure. She had in fact, but that was only in a past relationship, and it wasn't to a full degree. "I remember thinking, 'I feel like I could do anything and he'd stay with me. At the same time, I felt like if I didn't exhaust myself for him, he'd lose interest and he wouldn't stay. If I wasn't special and I wasn't making myself useful to him, why would he want to continue dating me?"
Abandonment can be a hard trial/feeling to overcome. It leaves you feeling fundamentally unsafe, insecure, unworthy, unwanted, insignificant, like you have to barter or beg for love. Some people develop this issue from more socially accepted/hollywood dramatized scenarios, like when attacked by a loved one, a parent leaving the home, or even being the child of a divorce. Others have a harder time identifying the origin of their abandonment issues, and may feel like they're weak or oversensitive for having those issues due to something they've been taught is relatively insignificant. I believe that everyone is built differently, what hardens the egg also softens the potato, and you have a right to feel however you feel, regardless of what the cause is.
So, M and I talked some more about her feelings. We tried to think about what the opposite of her feelings were and tried to feel them ourselves in the moment. This was a struggle, as the feelings of security, worth, safety, and being desired and adored and loved unconditionally were foreign to her, and in her words, "things I've never actually experienced before". Since it was indeed hard for her to imagine those feelings, we tried to find them in forms of movies or songs, and even found a couple of books that would help her out in terms of examples of healthy self-image and relationships.
After, we discussed what the 30DHC was. It was an invitation to seek happiness and choose to feel good instead of committing to a rut. I said to her, "M, it can be extremely difficult to stop singing a song of pain after you've been reciting it for months, even years, maybe even your entire conscious life. However, it is possible. You just have to turn around and sing the opposite tune". It's true! When in pursuit of turning your life around, it can be a huge challenge to even comprehend what any healthy feeling might look like. The good news is, positivity is something that can be practiced, and it can be invoked anywhere at any time.
Feeling so much better!
The tips I shared with M are thoughts I wanted to share with all of you, because all of us could use them to one extent or another. If you are struggling with feelings of being not enough, of abandonment, of disappointment, etc. here's a list of ways you can overcome those instead of giving up on the 30DHC:
1) Acknowledge the problem. Say, "I feel abandoned", then describe what that means or you. For M, that meant feeling like she was unworthy of love, unnoticed or undesired, and like she would never have a real, solid home or family. There could be physical symptoms too, like lethargy, weight gain/loss, muscle aches or stiffness, etc.
2) Handle the problem. Determine that you don't want to live in a state of sadness, depression, fear, etc. anymore. Then look to what the opposite of that feeling is. The opposite of feeling undesirable is celebrating our uniqueness and our gifts and ability to love others. The opposite of not feeling good enough is feeling the love you have for yourself. Unsafe turns to loved by many and protected. Whatever the opposite feeling is, find it and practice feeling it.
3) Get in the habit of practicing other positive feelings, especially if the complete contrasting feeling of your stumbling block is too hard to channel for the time being. Often times I find myself with my favorite friends or laughing out loud at funny videos, maybe even dancing alone in the dark to my favorite songs (but never actually because I don't dance, I swear it!). This opens me up to more positive feelings at best, and gives me a break from the same old "my life sucks and I'm so sad" routine we all get sick of. Put yourself intentionally in happy situations and you will find yourself loosening up more and more, everyday.
4) Reach out to the people you trust the most. A friend, a family member, a blogger you love, or even a teacher or therapist, all of these people are worth considering to see if you can have a deep conversation with them. Talk to them about how you're feeling, what you're struggling with and what's going right. Sometimes when we talk things out, we have an easier time uprooting the issue. It's okay to open up and say, "I need more support", "I could use some affirmative words more often", "This is how you can help me".
5) Let it go. Our pains don't necessarily make us more interesting people. What we do about them, though, that makes us interesting. You gain nothing from clinging to the familiarity of deep-seated wounds. When you release them, and trade them out for kinder, happier identities and experiences, that's when your life changes. You don't have to expect yourself to be fully healed within a day, or a week, or even a month of beginning to work on yourself. However, you should be expecting some degree of progress.
6) Continue to show love to others, as well. Forgive when you need forgiveness. Cheer someone on when you need to be assured. Listen when you need listened to. Being in the practice of showing love for others can often make it easier for ourselves to recognize and accept when others are doing the same for us.
My experience so far
I've really noticed how diverse "happiness" can appear. I'll be talking more about that in my next post, but I definitely realize that what feels right and healthy for me is much different than what other people want/need. I'm grateful for the self-awareness this has brought me, as well as the opportunity to heal others as I embark on my own journey.
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