Personally: Love Types

        Love! It seems like a tricky subject nowadays. Society's veered a bit in its pursuit of embracing self-love. While we were trying to figure out how to be number one on our lists, we got a little confused and quite frankly-selfish, but somehow still managed to lack a healthy self-esteem. What a mess! Here's my take on it all...

        1) There's a basic love any decent person holds for all dwellers of planet earth: 

        This is the kind of love we should hold for any and all living things; It's the desire to see good things happen for all. I may not particularly care for something or someone, but man, I still hope that during their existence, they learn and they grow, and we see their lives come to completion after they've accomplished something they're proud of. I wish them all fulfillment. I hope they all experience an abundance of positive character development. I just really want good things for everybody. 

        To wish anything different is problematic. When we reach a state of apathy, for anyone, we're basically saying, "I don't care what happens to them, I don't care what they happen to". Disregard for a person isn't just some sort of rebellious act you can put on as a demonstration of how powerless someone is over you. In fact, it's exactly the opposite. When you say, "I don't care what becomes of that person, they're awful and I can't be troubled," etc. what you're actually showing is that you're so weak, you'd allow someone to take away your ability to see the big picture, and to sap all of your energy in ways you don't realize you're allowing. Everyone has a huge impact on everything, but anger/apathy/etc. blinds us to the possibilities of what a person can do. If you're daft enough to believe that any form of anger or disdain isn't actively sapping you, I'd invite you to think again. It's a form of obsession, and it's a nasty one, at that. 

      2) Friendship Love:

       This kind of love has never been one I've had to pine for, and has taught me the most. I have a phenomenal group of friends. I've always been lucky with friendships. However, I'm a person who chases quality over quantity. What I'm about to say is going to sound so conceited, but talk with enough people and I'm sure you'll find it's a common experience!  I have too many people who want me to be their best friend, and not enough energy for all of them. For a while, I felt kind of guilty (and to an extent still kind of do) about how many people were so excited about me, yet how uninterested I was in them. I figured out something:

       There's a lot of immature people on this planet, people who don't believe in giving out basic human love and compassion freely. Worse yet, there are people on this planet who have trouble perceiving love that's being directed towards them. With a combination of these two problems, we get a lot of people who desperately attach themselves to others who show them the most basic respect and regard. 

       This led to a common problem in my existence. I'd be kind to people, and they'd be stuck to my side for the next few weeks until I no longer had the will to be courteous and all but boarded my doors and changed my name. I'd say something that I intended to sound like, "If you ever have any sort of emergency or need any ingredients you're missing for dinner, absolutely feel free to knock on my door and I'll try to help you out!" What they heard was, "I WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW! PLEASE, TELL ME THE NAMES OF ALL OF YOUR COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND'S FISH!" 

       It's important to me that everyone with a social limit know, it's perfectly fine to care deeply that a person be safe, successful, and fulfilled, without wanting to spend an hour or more of your day talking to them. 

       Friendship love, on the other hand, is my favorite form of love. I'll use some of my best friends and our relationships as examples to paint a picture for you of what that looks like:

       One of my dearest, most beloved friends is a girl named Ellie. Ellie and I could not be any more different if we tried. To date, she's one of the very few people I'd ever bicker with. A lot of people might find that odd, or wonder why I'd consider her a best friend if I was willing to argue with her. Coming from me, though, that's a huge deal, and a great sign of love. You see, I know that at any given moment, Ellie and I could be strongly disagreeing about something, and it would be unimportant to literally any other human being and so on and so forth...but if something happened and all of a sudden one of us needed the other, we'd be the first in line to help however we could. Thinking about the friendship I have with her can bring me to quite an emotional place. I'm simply moved by how much we value each other and how deeply we care for each other. I'm so grateful for that girl. 

       Then there's friendships like what I have with a friend named Anna. Anna and I met in middle school, and have been in and out of touch ever since. The thing I love most about our friendship though, is we always pick up where we left off! Anna's been an amazingly patient and accepting friend, and has been a phenomenal source of knowledge and personal enlightenment for me. We have the same exact birthday, so that's pretty cool too! Our friendship is a reminder to me that people can (and should) go off on their own adventures and still adore each other, miles and worlds away. 

       Then there are friendship types like what I have with my girls Vianey and Maddie, which I would refer to as "miracle friendships". I have no idea how we became friends. Neither one of us could tell you how it happened or why it works, but it does. In both cases, we had a rocky start. Vianey and I both thought she was going to hate me, and Maddie and I wouldn't have bat an eye if the other had fallen off a bridge (okay, maybe that's a little extreme...but we definitely didn't care for each other!). The next thing you know, Vianey and I are spending every second together. We did everything together, and I do mean everything. I can't stand to be with most people for more than a couple hours at best, but this girl and I were attached at the hip. Maddie and I have become super close, too! I think we found we had more in common than we thought, and we can rely on the other in ways we hadn't anticipated. All I know for sure is I absolutely love those girls, and I never want to live a life where we aren't close. 

        All of my friendships are so important to me. From the ones where we're constantly learning from each other (Richard, Spencer...), to the ones where we're just here to have a good time and make some incredible memories (NATHANIEL, Josh...) to the most dedicated and loyal lifelong friends (Patch, Mitch...!) and every other friendship in between, they've all taught me that friendship is just about having fun, helping each other out, and growing together. 

       3) Romantic Love: 

       Romantic love is a very specific type of love. It's a partnership, and a celebration. In my specific situation, it's a situation of learning and teaching, guiding and helping, while also experiencing and celebrating and praising and adoring. I think we both feel comfortable giving and receiving love in amounts we hadn't felt prior. There's something bold and untamed (on my end at least) in our choices to stand by each other and take care of each other. 

       I think what I appreciate most about relationships, mine specifically, is the permission I have to just be myself. I'm allowed to care for him however I want, and I can have whatever goals I want and do what I want and be who I want, and he just continues to be so supportive and helps me take steps towards achieving that goal. There's a patience in how we teach each other too, which I believe to be unique to romantic relationships. We come from very different backgrounds and have different expectations and philosophies and such, but we acknowledge that and take the time to make sure everything is blending as it should. 

       Patience and communication are important, and it's incredible to watch and experience multiple individuals actively desiring and attempting to use those things, to choose each other, having had little to no experience before, trying as hard as they can to be the best they can be for another human being. Isn't that beautiful? Some of us are even coming from backgrounds where relationships have never worked-children of generations of divorce, abandonment, abuse, etc.-yet we still try and follow our hearts and create something magical through human connection. 

       Romantic love is defiance, I think. It's the act of following your nature, of allowing yourself to love people in ways and for reasons you'd never allow before. I think romantic love breaks rules and opens doors, and can heal and teach and create amazing things. 

       

       4) Self Love:

       Self love is not now, nor has it ever been or can it ever be, synonymous with selfishness. Selfishness has no love. There's no care or concern for anyone else, and it's insinuating that you're incapable of meeting your needs while participating in life in a healthy manner. Self love looks like taking time to allow yourself to strengthen your talents and educate yourself. Self love is working through the doubt and the insecurities to give yourself something you deserve. Self love is in humility, preserving what's worth being saved, and being open and gentle with yourself. Love and hate can not exist in the same place, much like faith and fear. You have to choose one or the other. The path to understanding and embracing self love is unique to everyone, and it can't be explained as well as it can be experienced. Nonetheless, I'll point out that you'll know you're secure and happy with yourself when you're no longer looking for enemies to hunt or points at which to aggressively assert yourself. People who are anxiously "proving themselves" or looking to pick fights all of the time may sound the most confident and full of themselves, but truly they're the most insecure and out of tune. 

       I hope this entirely rudimentary explanation of the four main types of love helps us all begin to take baby steps in A) becoming better members of society, and B) improving the various relationships we have in our lives and being the kinds of partners, friends, and neighbors those around us deserve. As we walk into this new year, I hope it's a part of all of our resolutions to be more loving, thoughtful, forgiving, kind, gracious, and patient with everyone around us. Take care of yourselves, take care of your friends, take care of your worlds. Keep doing your best!

Personally: The Relationship Series Pt 1, Young Single Adults

     
       Twenty is a fun time. Half of my friends are married and expecting children/parenting little ones, and half of my friends are crying over glass bottles of various drinks (from sparkling cider to whiskey) over still being the most single they've been since preschool. I happen to be somewhere in the middle, where when I'm not reading, writing, or meowing back to my cat, I've been seeing this pretty cute guy. I'm content with how my life is now, and truly have been content at every stage from single to dating to engaged to single again. That said, it seems that now is a good time to be working on our various relationships and remembering to enjoy what we've got. Without further ado, here are my tips for all of my young single adult friends...

       Here's a somewhat aggravating fact:

       I've observed this phenomenon my whole life, and as frustrating as it is for some people, it may just serve a purpose; You never find a relationship when you're actively looking for one. As long as you feel that pining in your chest for someone to text you back and tell you you're the best thing to ever happen to them, it'll never happen. I'm prepared to stand in front of an audience and deem it as a law of the universe. You may find space fillers-people who will take up some of your time, but you won't find what you're looking for as long as you're looking. Yes, a strong, fulfilling relationship is like Narnia. It doesn't show up until you're not looking for it anymore. 

       This is great though! This allows you time to relax, get in touch with who you are and what you want to do, and figure out more of what makes you happy and what journey your life is embarking on. 

       Buckle up and be patient

        I met my current heartthrob as a freshly fourteen year old girl. He was a sophomore, I was a freshman, and he sat in front of me in my debate class. I'll admit, I wasn't single when I met him, but boy did I like him. He was the brooding sarcastic type, and of course I was diggin' it. I remember, especially when I did break up with my boyfriend at the time, thinking about how desperately I wanted him to really notice me and think I was cute and ask me out and so on and so forth. I was so into him. That said, when we met also happened to have been one of the worst years of my life, and the next five years following were tumultuous episodes of me trying to not die. I was so depressed and I had so much trauma to work through, so many expectations to shrug off. If we'd been in a relationship then, it probably wouldn't have gone very well. I needed things I couldn't comprehend, and I wanted someone else to give them to me when I was the only one who could provide it. I'm still working on learning exactly how to do that, but I would have driven him up the wall. Furthermore, having been so young I wouldn't have communicated very well or been as concerned about him and his needs as I should have. 

       This guy would have seen me at some of my darkest moments. While I know he wouldn't have minded sticking around through the hard parts, I'm grateful he wasn't there. Not just because I don't want for him to ever have to deal with that, but because in the long run, I went through it on my own, and I conquered it on my own. On our own is the only way we can actually get through any of our most personal struggles, and it would have only been more frustrating for him to have been so helpless while I worked through it all. 

        This guy is really important to me, and I appreciate him so much. I never would have thought after over half a decade, fourteen year old Beth would be getting that crush of hers. I'm much more capable of being the girlfriend he deserves now, and guess what? Little attributes I discovered in him all those years ago and fell in love with? They're still there in him. The wait was worth it. You never know what's going to happen days, months, or even years down the line. It's so important to live your life with an open mind and heart!

       Love yourself and others wont be able to help but follow suit

       I'm probably my own biggest fan. Like, my love for myself rivals even that of my mother's. I admire myself so much! I am so patient, so observant, brilliant, kind, funny...the list goes on. I don't care who in society ever made you feel bad for having a list of things you really love about yourself, you need to have a list, too. You will deal with yourself for the rest of your existence! You make the decisions for yourself, so take time and care for yourself! 

        You can't love yourself until you've taken the time to get to know yourself. Observe yourself like you would someone you had a big ol' sloppy crush on. What are you like when you're with your friends? Funny, shy, sarcastic...? How do you hold yourself in public? What kind of quirks do you have? Meet yourself and write that list and fall completely in love with who you are in every aspect. If you won't take the time to love you, how can you allow anyone else to do it? Find what you love and then broadcast that stuff in how you handle yourself!

        Appreciate what you have

        I don't say this just because you should be grateful for what you've got and all. Think of it this way; if you're so focused on what you don't have, if all you can think about is how much you wanna be over at B but you feel stuck at A, is that negative attitude going to keep your eyes wide open for you when opportunity comes knocking? If you want to be in the best position possible for receiving love, then you have to be in a positive place. Enjoy your friends, your opportunities, the things you have. Be grateful that you are you, and that you can always improve and change and grow and learn and adapt. When you become so whisked away in all of the goodness in your life that you couldn't possibly be bothered by anything else, that's when it comes. 

       Positivity is key! When you're choosing positivity, everything falls into place. Your number one job as a single adult with goals of one day being in a relationship or even starting a family is to love yourself. Start small by just focusing on whatever you can find that you love, and keep the momentum going! You've got this!

End of 30 Day Happiness Challenge: What I've Gained, What I've Given up.

       

       The happiness challenge was designed not to solve everyone's problems, but to help guide and give an edge to everyone on their journeys to self-empowerment. My goal was to provide others with tools to help them cope with things like anger, anxiety, resentment, loss, and other "big" emotions that can be hard to process. Reading the responses from my readers and talking with a couple in person, I was incredibly grateful to hear just how helpful they were! I'm grateful for all of the moments of happiness and success you all experience, truly.

       I, myself, am very lucky to have become so focused on this when I did. There were some pretty moments that popped up in the middle of this, and I'm glad that in my pursuit of teaching others to be happy, I was able to maintain my focus as well. I absolutely believe that we are all awarded in our efforts to support others with the support we need, ourselves. 

       What I've gained: 

       There's so much I've gained. While newer physical things have popped up into my life, like this cute boy who happened to be my first high school crush is back in my life and I dig it, and I got to be around people who are so dear to me again...but, I think I've gained more emotionally. I've been able to keep focused on what motivates me. I remembered in the heat of the moment that I refuse to be controlled by fear. I've impressed myself with my boldness, and I've continued to come more into my own. 

       I'm so much more confident in who I am and what I can do, now. My identity as a strong, loving, smart, capable, compassionate, nurturing woman has only become more solidified. I'm an older sister, a teacher, the kind of person who's more than willing to spend time sitting and counseling with others. Some of my natural gifts are empathy and seeing things a little more clearly for what they are and how I play into everything.

       This security has relaxed my mind and enabled me to learn so much more. Have you ever run into those moments of relief that you didn't even know you needed? Remembered to relax your shoulders and realized how tense you'd been? That was my brain these past thirty days. I'm no genius by any means, but I'm a pretty smart girl. I'd been so stressed out and mentally paralyzed recently, I felt like I was losing some of my talent and knowledge. I was scrambling to remember words in other languages I'd studied and turning up empty. I couldn't remember some of my favorite fun facts. My advice well was hurting, I'd go to tell someone something and end up overwhelmed and lost in thought out of nowhere. Regaining my footing and focus on happiness and gratitude smoothed all of this out, and I'm very glad about it! My creativity is flowing easier now, and I feel more myself.

       What I've given up: 

       It was not without grit teeth and tightness in my chest that I gave up some of these things. For a small few, there are delicate threads they left behind still in my hands. However, I've given up a few toxic people. I let go of a few particulars on what I demanded out of life when I realized I'm happier with a few substitutes (not to mention safer and smarter and generally all around better). 

       I think that's what surprised me the most, of all of the things I let go of; that whole idea of what it was going to take for me to feel like I was where I really wanted to be. I'd known that one of my many imperfections was that I was still clinging to a couple of ideas of what I wanted out of life. There were very specific things I wasn't letting go of. There's a difference between loyalty and stubbornness, and I'm very aware of which is which, but that doesn't change anything. Going into this, I expected to be happier, but still clinging to all of the same things. It's always a happy surprise to make little bits of improvement, and to really move on from something is a relief I can't even put into words. 

       In short, the moments we take to invite joy and progress always end in something good. 

       I absolutely believe that no efforts are made in vain. Everything will either work out fine, or it will deliver you straight to where you need to be for something that will honestly make you glad you never settled for what you wanted in the first place. I hated hearing that, because I didn't want to hear that there was a possibility that I couldn't have the very specific details I thought were key to me being happy. Let me tell you, for those of you who tense up at that thought, that the only reason particular things don't come to pass in our lives is because it won't serve us the way we thought. Sometimes, our ideas of what will satisfy our desire to feel fulfilled are actually incorrect. Life will always follow the course that rewards our hearts the most, and it's not our job to understand it, only to be grateful. 

       Life is full of adventures. There's so much out there to experience and discover and celebrate. If you ever find yourself lost on your journey, come back to gratitude, and you will find your way again. Everything comes through, you've got this!

       Thank you guys so much for reading! I've got some stuff coming up that will hopefully help us all out and prep us for holiday time with the family! Thank you for all of your support and questions and comments. Grateful for all of you!

Thoughts for Thanksgiving Day

       As the holiday season really takes off, I'm trying to make the most of it. Time really is precious, you know?

       Thanksgiving might have a rather controversial history, but I'm a modern day woman, and as such I have the power to make today whatever I want it to be about. Instead of going the more powerless route and complaining about what it used to be, I choose instead to take it at face-value, and invite it as a day to highlight an emotion I'm invited regularly to enjoy; gratitude and thankfulness.

        For me, I'll be celebrating it with a girl who's become a sister to me, and her amazing family. My early childhood was spent surrounded by people of incredibly similar culture, so having this opportunity really brings the holidays back to life. Upon meeting them all a year ago, it was hard to imagine they were ever strangers to me! They felt like family-immediately. I love coming back to visit, making memories, and hearing about what's going on in their lives. This family togetherness is one I admire, and a model after which I hope I can form my own family. And if I don't get to raise my kids close to Vianey's kids, I don't know what I'll do!

       There are in fact three very significant people who will be missing from this show for me, though; and that would be my three baby brothers, Chase, Christian, and Liam. They're a lot of nitwits! They're my favorite though. Growing up, we were all each other really had. Being close in age (each of us just separated by about two years), we went through similar phases at the same time, and therefore were left with the feeling that no one could understand us like we understood us. We're very close. We keep in constant contact, letting each other know what we're doing, what we need, what we're thinking, and so on. If there are any closer siblings than us, I'd like them to teach us a few things! Not every group of kids turns out as close as we four are, and I count myself incredibly lucky to be able to say through anything, I've got three phenomenal best friends who always have my back.

       Of course, I'd be some kind of crazy to neglect my friends that are family by choice. Some of them have been my friend since the beginning of time, others only recently popped into my life. I think it says a lot about the human condition how willing we are to gather each other up and invest so much love and time and effort into other people. Humans are really incredible that way.
I'm really not a social person at all-I can only handle so many people for so long. Still, I'm happy to spend any amount of time listening to others and helping them figure out their lives or celebrate accomplishments. These people have taught me a lot about myself as they've invited me to teach them.

        Life is so short. Everyday that passes, I appreciate that fact more and more. We can get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget that time is precious and people need to be loved...we lose sight of what is important. Or, we just get so particular about things. We set limitations on ourselves that don't need to be there,. We don't allow ourselves to relax and be happy until something specific happens, but before that's even done we set a new goal and continue to withhold happiness from ourselves. I won't be happy until I live in this place, I can't be happy until I have their approval, I need exactly this much money before I can relax... It's insane, isn't it? Who in their right mind would choose to be miserable because they don't have their dream lifestyle, meanwhile they're living under the same roof as some phenomenal people with crazy stories and enormous potential and big hearts, or have the opportunity to eat something delicious, or live somewhere other people would pay whole grocery budgets worth of money just to bask in for a few days? There's so much to celebrate, so much to be grateful for, so much to enjoy!

       I hope that this Thanksgiving helps everyone get a solid step forward towards allowing themselves to be happier and more grateful. I hope everyone slows down a bit and takes their time to really recognize what they've been blessed with.

       If you are reading this, I want you to look around for the next bit. Take note of the people around you. How well do you know each other? What memories have you made or can you make? What resources do you have that you're glad you don't have to live without? Let go of the stress to be perfect, to have everything, to be everything, and just enjoy the world you've got. Make a list or just quietly reflect on everything you have had the pleasure of experiencing in your life-every time you've laughed loudly with a friend, every time you've had a meal and a warm place to sleep (or anywhere at all), all of the times you've been proud of yourself or someone else. Enjoy the peace you have.

       I'm very grateful for everything I have. There's nothing in this life that's been thrown at me that i haven't been able to turn into something amazing for myself. Even if an experience was particularly painful, I learned something from it, and with that knowledge was given the opportunity to enrich others' lives and support them.

       Readers, thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and support me. It never fails to shock me just how many people take their time so often to see what I have to say. Every time someone contacts me with gratitude for what I said or positive remarks of any kind, I become even more grateful for my lot in life. I hope you all have lives that are bright, filled with love and opportunity, and above all, leave you feeling accomplished.

       Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

30DHC: Day 15 Halfway Mark!

       Before you read! I wanted to briefly note that this post is a perfect example of what it looks like to make a shift in your energy and focus from the negative to the positive. Sitting down to do this, I was in no position to be telling anyone to be happier. However, as I continued forward, my attitude improved and I was able to form some thoughts that are worth sharing. Please, allow yourselves to go through your own processes and take your time going from point A to point B!

       I've re-written this post about five times. It's the halfway mark, and I want nothing more than to write something profound, something inspiring. I'm thinking about the close friends and strangers alike who read these posts, looking to finish them feeling a little more hopeful...but then my attention flows to the one person I know who won't be reading. Focusing is difficult, and I'm in pain from complications with lupus. So I'm going to keep this brief.

       Progress is not a linear event.
   
       Wounds will require you to make many emotional break throughs before they're healed.

       Letting go is something we all can and must do here and there. Just because we let go of something doesn't mean the people who love us will let go of us.

       True love survives all of your changes, forgives all pasts, and makes the most of "now".

       Breakthroughs happen time and time again, and everyday you will gain another reason to be proud of yourself.

       It's perfectly okay to be in love with yourself. in fact, you'd best be, you're going to be living with yourself for...well...the rest of your life!

       Life is great, and we were created to live it to the best of our ability. Give everyday everything you've got, have fun, embrace the love that comes your way, and enjoy everything you have to be grateful for. 

       These are all the things I've personally come to know better as I've made it my mission to choose to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm so truly grateful for so much. I'm grateful for my abundance of best friends, whether they've been there since day one of kindergarten or we've only just connected recently. I'm grateful for memories I've made with the late nights spilling tea with the besties, running around searching for graveyards, laughing until we're on the floor, supporting each other with hot chocolate in hand, connecting and then reconnecting, etc. There's so much love in my life. I'm so happy to have this talent and to be able to help a diverse audience of amazing people as we help each other navigate life and come into our own. Life is so, so good. There's so much to be happy about when you really open your eyes. 

       Thank you for giving me this opportunity to teach, to share love, and to guide. I'm grateful for all of you. Don't forget to share with me what you've come to know, as well as ask any questions you might have! Love to all of you!

30DHC update: Day 11 Emotional Bodies

               The 30 Day Happiness Challenge has opened doors for so many people, myself included! It's always exciting to hear from my readers how their circumstances have improved since making the conscious decision to change their mindsets and shift to focus on the positive. That said, I realize that making the decision to be happy is only half the battle. I wanted to continue to introduce you all to a variety of coping mechanisms, so we all can live healthier, happier lives!

        Physical Pain and Suppressed Trauma.

       It's important to note briefly that trauma can be anything. Something as simple as thinking you were lost forever as a young toddler who lost his mother behind the coat rack, only to find her about ten seconds later, or some sort of severe physical abuse. Both, in the moment of experience, were very intense, and we aren't always equipped with the tools to process these things (tools including permission to feel the feelings the events brought up). 

       I'm of the opinion that the body is highly affected by emotions and our experiences. When we face hard emotions, we don't always allow ourselves to experience them, and we end up holding those emotions in our bodies. Those "knots" we feel in our backs, shoulders, and necks, we say are caused by "stress". Well, what is stress, if not a collection of inflamed emotions we are trying to get around addressing? Think about it, maybe you're stressed about a relationship. Your significant other is being really distant lately, showing little interest in you. They're being secretive on your phone and not supporting you how you'd like to be supported. You're worried (or maybe aware) that they're cheating. What does that make you feel? Hurt, fearing abandonment, maybe feeling betrayed, embarrassed, scared for your future, worried you'll never feel loved and adored and supported the way you did at the beginning of the relationship, etc. That's a lot to feel! You've also got work and friends who are going through their own stressful moments in life, and you don't really "have the time" to deal with that pain right now. Or maybe, you just feel like there's a socially acceptable set of emotions and timeframe to handle the situation, and you rush yourself to half-grieve the situation and then move on. What's the first thing you're going to say in this scenario if your friend asks why you seem so off? Probably something along the terms of, "oh, nothing...I'm just kinda stressed is all". 

       When we're young, we're taught about emotions and what is acceptable to express and what isn't. While most of our parents did their best, they're only human, and exactly zero parents in the history of all of humanity has been able to successfully train their kids in the art of healthy emotion management. Society as a whole gives us mixed messages of what's acceptable to feel and it can really mess us up. So we suppress and suppress until our bodies scream out for some sort of relief. Emotions we never properly experienced as a child stay locked up, and various stimuli and circumstances which we come across later in adulthood irritate those old wounds, and we become jumbled messes if not addressed. What can we do?

       The process

       This concept may seem completely ridiculous, but hear me out! It's worth trying. When these physical pains pop up, we've got to heal them and release whatever is locked up. The way to do this is fairly simple; Step one, find a pain. Could be a back ache, could be sore legs, whatever. Just figure out what hurts. Step two, massage the area in a circular motion (gently and consistently!) while breathing deeply via the mouth (not the nose!). This will not feel comfortable, and in some cases could even be excruciating. It's important to keep going so it can be healed! Step three, go through whatever emotion comes up, and follow it through all of the way. Some of these pains will be easier than others. You may even have random memories from childhood pop into your head! I'll use my own experience as an example of how to do this: 

       Since I was eight years old I've had this excruciating pain in my lower back. It doesn't hurt just walking or going about my day, but it feels like I'm being stabbed by a million knives whenever anyone would touch it, even with the gentlest of hands. I thought it was weird, but I didn't want to say anything, mostly because I didn't feel like I could without getting blamed for something. I still have this pain to this day. The trauma it holds runs incredibly deep, and lives in multiple places. However, after I began doing this exercise over time, it's lessened immensely. 

       The experience of the exercise can make you feel a little foolish at first, but with the difference it makes, you won't care! As I begin to try and massage out the tissues and orient myself with the sharp pains it creates, I'm taken by emotion. This is the unfinished business that area of the body is holding. This emotion is why we're doing this. While my first reaction is to run away from the feeling and distract myself by anything, I take a few deep breaths and focus again on allowing myself to feel the hard emotions. As I continue to explore what the emotion is like, and allow myself to feel the pain and express it, the physical pain dissipates until it is either no more, or much more tolerable. When I've had absolutely all I can take or the pain is gone, I rest my hand on the afflicted area. I ask myself what my hand feels like. Normally, the first thought I have is warm. As I continue to focus on my hand, more positive emotions come. Things like loving, protective, sturdy, etc. I have a quick talk with myself about those emotions, telling myself that I am those things. The physical and emotional pain are not who I truly am. I can experience them, but I can also release them. 

       How this method has helped me

       The first time I tried it by instinct. When I was younger and had some big emotions I had no idea what to do with, I'd always tried to get as much physical pressure on my sternum as I could by an outside source (stuffed animals, books, if you can imagine it, I probably had it stacked on my chest). When I did that, it took the emotions from way too big for me to radio silent, or at very least, easy to ignore. As a teenager and adult, I realized how odd a coping mechanism that was, and opted to just massage it instead. It hurt even though I was being extremely gentle on the area, and it was weird, but I quickly realized that after I'd gotten through the emotions and found some peace, touching my sternum didn't hurt. After years of doing that, I tried applying it to the other pains in my body. Now, I catch myself rubbing my elbow and thinking, "oh, yeah, I remember not letting myself cry during math time back in fifth grade because how difficult it was for me" or massaging my palms thinking, "my guitar honestly should have been protected from my rambunctious brothers, and it really wasn't fair that they broke everything I ever loved, and it's okay that I was angry about that. Being angry about my destroyed stuff didn't make me a bad sister at all". 

       As I've allowed myself to face and experience previously suppressed emotions, I'm more readily available to handle them as life continues. For example, in a previous blog post I mentioned having to say an incredibly difficult goodbye, after which I cried and it was the kind of crying I didn't believe was humanly possible. That moment brought up the same emotions that my lower back carries. If I hadn't have been practicing and releasing that emotion, I'd probably have suppressed that and allowed it to kill me. I'm not going to lie, despite how hard I did let myself sob, I still cut myself off a little short and ran towards every distraction I could, and the hurt did in fact inflame my back pain! Regardless, I worked through it and managed to get better than I'd been before the whole event took place. 

       What's more, I have more of a range of motion in my lower back now, and I don't want to scream every time one of my close friends gives me the good ol' football patdown! My cat can jump on me or rest on my back and it won't make me want to die. Physically, I'm doing much better!

       The reality of it all

        It's so important to get in tune with ourselves and figure out what's been influencing us and our minds and bodies and emotions. We need to get real about what we've gone through and what we need to finish. I'm not ready right now to handle what is being stored in my lower back, not yet at least. So, I'll still be working through that for some time to come. In the meantime, there's so many other things I've been able to cope with, and other facets of that pain I've been able to resolve. 

       Happiness is a result of progress and intention. You have to want it. You have to choose it, and then you have to make yourself happy. While we're on these journeys practicing happiness, we're destroying the monsters that once tore us from it. I absolutely believe that as we continue forward, we won't just be healing ourselves, but generations, both that follow ours and precede. 

       

       It's not too late to start the happiness challenge! You can do it on your own time, learning from my experiences and the experiences of others! I'm so grateful for all of you, and I wish you all of the love and peace in the world, and best of luck in achieving all of your various goals. You've got this!

NaNoWriMo Tips for Authors Who Have No Idea What They're Doing

        NaNoWriMo starts Wednesday, November 1st, and what I lack in preparation, I make up for in enthusiasm! Isn't that how most of us feel? NaNoWriMo has been going on for two years now, and in those two years many a book has been started on November 1st and abandoned by November 2nd. i decided the best thing I could do was compile a list of tips to help us all be a little more successful in pursuing our goals of producing something worth reading!

       1) What past rough drafts do you have? If you started a book long ago, or have some sort of story idea you've been sitting on for a while, look into those! It's not cheating in my book, and it could spark some inspiration!
       2) Write from the heart. I get so shy about my writing sometimes, because I want to write about a wide variety of things some people would be too sensitive to read (like murder, crime, using realistic language for characters, etc). I decided very early on in that struggle though, there's two different kinds of readers; those who are reading the actual novel (absorbing the craftsmanship, reveling in the structure of the story and the characters, picking up on every detail of symbolism and foreshadowing, and so on) and those who read to be served (they just want to read the same story told fifty different ways, don't really have minds capable of appreciating literature, have sticks up their butts and need everything spoon-fed to them). I hold a lot of aggression for the latter, because they're the reason books get banned. There's a special place in hell for people who are pro-censorship in any form.
       Moving on from that rant, write the story your soul wants to write. It's okay if the old ladies from church couldn't handle the word choice of chapter three, or you think your kindergarten teacher would feel scandalized by reading the summary of your novel. If you have a story to tell, tell it!
       3) It doesn't have to be fiction! There are so many different genres that need served. I was raised by a mother who was a very big fan of high fantasy and sci fi. I couldn't stand many of those novels, because they either felt like the same story retold over and over, or they were too melodramatic for me. Just my opinion! However, I did like realistic fiction. As i explored the concept of real life being put on the page via realistic fiction, biographies, and texts on philosophy, a lot of non-fictional work bubbled up inside me. If you just want to write your life story, that's fine!
       4) Write what you would want to read. It doesn't matter if your book follows a standard format or not. You're allowed to change the world of books as we know it.
        5) Start from the inspiration, not the beginning. So many authors lose momentum, because they feel they have to start from the very beginning, or have the chapter/novel titled before they can move on to writing the scene in their head. Well, here's a secret for you; You don't have to do that! Start from the scene your obsessing over and let the book write itself. If you want to continue from there writing everything that happens after, or if you feel moved to construct the beginning after you write the end, that's fine! No one can dictate how you write, and there are no rules! Even if there were rules, I'd break them.
       6) Consider getting a group chat with friends where you can share your progress. It's always fun to write books where the characters are based off of friends, or to write books where friends are heavily involved. You might find it motivational to keep your writing accessible to them and hear their reactions!
        7) Keep a positive attitude. Worried your writing is complete mierda (don't translate that if you don't know what it means!)? That's fine! Listen, in my time I've read many a novel. A lot of them have had horrendous plotholes, weak characters, inconsistent descriptions of the setting, and repetitive word choice. Still, the authors got their work published and many have become quite successful. I don't think any book is really perfect. No author really ever knows what they're doing. Focus on getting the story out, first. Then worry about editing. You can do that much!
       8) Give your book a fighting chance. You could be writing the book that inspires the next Hemmingway or Rowling or Dumas. You never know! You're your own worst critic, and you will see the best and worst phases of your book. Just stick with it, and let your novel prove itself.
       9) Consume what inspires you! Before I sit down to write, a lot of the time I'll watch the short film Lana Del Rey released back in 2013, called Tropico. The vibes Lana gives off, especially with this work, really resonates with something inside of me. It's not that this film makes me want to copy it or write similar things to it. Most of the things I produce after watching Tropico couldn't be less related to the film's concept. What that film does for me is take me back to my element, where I'm in my most creative and productive state. I love it! I also prepare myself with a few writing playlists, where they carry vibes for adventure, gothic drama, inner city chaotic stills, even some film noir. This helps me stay focused on the scene at hand. Keep yourself in the write headspace, whatever that means for you and your story!
       10) Have as much fun as you can! We all know writing can be a very daunting and turbulent task. It's hard when you get down on yourself or become exhausted. Pace yourself, believe in yourself, and try your best to make the most of it! You can do it!

       Best of luck creating your many worlds! Remember, the whole purpose of NaNoWriMo is to help authors accomplish their goals by giving them a steady pace, and introducing them to a community filled with like-minded artists. You can do this! 

Trying Really Hard to be Okay, and 30DHC Updates

       

       Run ins with real issues

       The happiness challenge was created in an effort to help others find peace. However, sometimes the path to peace isn't so peaceful. I'm a firm believer that when we turn our energy and attention to healing or positivity, a flood of resources come to us in the form of song, friendship, and inspiration. I want to share a conversation I had with a friend, we'll call Michelle or "M". M came to me, wanting to talk about the 30 Day Happiness Challenge and her hang ups with it. I wasn't familiar with her, she'd found my blog through a friend. All the same, she reached out to me when the 30DHC forced her to come face-to-face with a lifelong struggle, and we had a very deep and enlightening conversation, and with her permission I'm adding it here:

       M: I really love the idea of the 30DHC. It's smart because it's a good distraction from the negativity and heartache we all tend to face, I think it's empowering. I'm really struggling with it though. I've been stuck in this feeling of abandonment, and I don't know how to get through it. Do you have any suggestions? 

       It turns out, M had learned at a young age that she was unsafe. Her home-life was in shambles, as she and her younger sister were often rotated from family member to family member. She'd be told she was staying with an aunt for just a week, and it would turn into three months. When she was at home, it was normally only ever with one parent who didn't seem to have the time or interest to take care of her and her sister. She was met with a lot of frustration and anger, and was never really anywhere long enough to settle into a routine. I asked her if she could remember a time where she had felt safe and secure. She had in fact, but that was only in a past relationship, and it wasn't to a full degree. "I remember thinking, 'I feel like I could do anything and he'd stay with me. At the same time, I felt like if I didn't exhaust myself for him, he'd lose interest and he wouldn't stay. If I wasn't special and I wasn't making myself useful to him, why would he want to continue dating me?"

       Abandonment can be a hard trial/feeling to overcome. It leaves you feeling fundamentally unsafe, insecure, unworthy, unwanted, insignificant, like you have to barter or beg for love. Some people develop this issue from more socially accepted/hollywood dramatized scenarios, like when attacked by a loved one, a parent leaving the home, or even being the child of a divorce. Others have a harder time identifying the origin of their abandonment issues, and may feel like they're weak or oversensitive for having those issues due to something they've been taught is relatively insignificant. I believe that everyone is built differently, what hardens the egg also softens the potato, and you have a right to feel however you feel, regardless of what the cause is. 

       So, M and I talked some more about her feelings. We tried to think about what the opposite of her feelings were and tried to feel them ourselves in the moment. This was a struggle, as the feelings of security, worth, safety, and being desired and adored and loved unconditionally were foreign to her, and in her words, "things I've never actually experienced before". Since it was indeed hard for her to imagine those feelings, we tried to find them in forms of movies or songs, and even found a couple of books that would help her out in terms of examples of healthy self-image and relationships. 

       After, we discussed what the 30DHC was. It was an invitation to seek happiness and choose to feel good instead of committing to a rut. I said to her, "M, it can be extremely difficult to stop singing a song of pain after you've been reciting it for months, even years, maybe even your entire conscious life. However, it is possible. You just have to turn around and sing the opposite tune". It's true! When in pursuit of turning your life around, it can be a huge challenge to even comprehend what any healthy feeling might look like. The good news is, positivity is something that can be practiced, and it can be invoked anywhere at any time. 

        Feeling so much better!

       The tips I shared with M are thoughts I wanted to share with all of you, because all of us could use them to one extent or another. If you are struggling with feelings of being not enough, of abandonment, of disappointment, etc. here's a list of ways you can overcome those instead of giving up on the 30DHC: 

        1) Acknowledge the problem. Say, "I feel abandoned", then describe what that means or you. For M, that meant feeling like she was unworthy of love, unnoticed or undesired, and like she would never have a real, solid home or family. There could be physical symptoms too, like lethargy, weight gain/loss, muscle aches or stiffness, etc. 

       2) Handle the problem. Determine that you don't want to live in a state of sadness, depression, fear, etc. anymore. Then look to what the opposite of that feeling is. The opposite of feeling undesirable is celebrating our uniqueness and our gifts and ability to love others. The opposite of not feeling good enough is feeling the love you have for yourself. Unsafe turns to loved by many and protected. Whatever the opposite feeling is, find it and practice feeling it. 

       3) Get in the habit of practicing other positive feelings, especially if the complete contrasting feeling of your stumbling block is too hard to channel for the time being. Often times I find myself with my favorite friends or laughing out loud at funny videos, maybe even dancing alone in the dark to my favorite songs (but never actually because I don't dance, I swear it!). This opens me up to more positive feelings at best, and gives me a break from the same old "my life sucks and I'm so sad" routine we all get sick of. Put yourself intentionally in happy situations and you will find yourself loosening up more and more, everyday.

      4) Reach out to the people you trust the most. A friend, a family member, a blogger you love, or even a teacher or therapist, all of these people are worth considering to see if you can have a deep conversation with them. Talk to them about how you're feeling, what you're struggling with and what's going right. Sometimes when we talk things out, we have an easier time uprooting the issue. It's okay to open up and say, "I need more support", "I could use some affirmative words more often", "This is how you can help me". 

       5) Let it go. Our pains don't necessarily make us more interesting people. What we do about them, though, that makes us interesting. You gain nothing from clinging to the familiarity of deep-seated wounds. When you release them, and trade them out for kinder, happier identities and experiences, that's when your life changes. You don't have to expect yourself to be fully healed within a day, or a week, or even a month of beginning to work on yourself. However, you should be expecting some degree of progress. 

       6) Continue to show love to others, as well. Forgive when you need forgiveness. Cheer someone on when you need to be assured. Listen when you need listened to. Being in the practice of showing love for others can often make it easier for ourselves to recognize and accept when others are doing the same for us.

        My experience so far

       I've really noticed how diverse "happiness" can appear. I'll be talking more about that in my next post, but I definitely realize that what feels right and healthy for me is much different than what other people want/need. I'm grateful for the self-awareness this has brought me, as well as the opportunity to heal others as I embark on my own journey.

       Best of luck on all of your journeys, you guys! We are a week into the 30DHC, but that doesn't mean it's too late for you to start or pick up where you left off! This is an opportunity to get to know yourselves better, to heal, and to participate in the healing of others. Keep up the great work and gratitude!

30 Day Happiness Challenge: Day Two

       Finding a Peaceful Place

       We're all in this together!

        I was asked about what to do when the pain is just too great and painful, negative thoughts seem to be unavoidable. In short, the answer was, "find a peaceful place". Here are some ways of doing that:

Focus Wheel: On the side of a page, write down the bad feeling(s) you're experiencing. Then, at the center, write down the opposite emotion of that. For example, if you're having a hard time getting over loneliness, write "loneliness" on the side of the page, and in the center, write "secure" or "loved". From there, continue to write down positive words and experiences that remind you of those positive, healing feelings.
Start Where You Are: If you're currently hung up about a person, this one is most helpful. If you can't think about something/someone without getting angry, feeling hurt, etc. visualize the most positive experience you could possibly have with the situation/person. As you work at it, you'll continue to think of more positive thoughts, and get right back to feeling happy!
Practice Mantras: I often repeat terms like "trust", "allow", "let off that gas pedal", and "let's deal with that later". Find something that reminds you to stay in control or calm down, something that brings you back to focus, and repeat it to yourself in the heat of the moment.
Feel your feelings, but don't wallow in them: It's perfectly fine and healthy to respond emotionally to various events that come to pass. If you need to cry, cry! If you need to feel exasperated, that's fine, too. Occasionally, we run into some hard times and experiences. Let yourself process and take your time! That said, don't cling to it. You'll know it's time to move on when you start to feel yourself choose to be sad/feel like a victim/be angry/etc instead of it being more of a reflex/reaction. 

Get Around Positive Things and People: If there is a movie that cracks you up, put it on! If there are people who make you feel happy to be alive, visit them! Whatever raises your mood, don't hold back from doing those things! 

Ask For Help: If you're really struggling to feel happy, or are feeling deeply troubled about something, don't be afraid to reach out to someone you love and trust and talk to them about what you're going through. Thanks to friendship, we don't have to rely on our own strength! Often times, those closest to us can help us shift our perspective. Open up!

Practice Self Care: Whether this means taking extra time to do your makeup, clean your space, etc. you need to do it! When we take even five minutes to do something kind to ourselves, our lives get much better! Take care of yourself!

       How I'm Personally Fairing

       I'm always grateful for the funny moments that come to pass in my living room. I'm also grateful for the fun times that happen in other obscure places, such as the taco bell drive through! All in all, I'm doing pretty well with this challenge. I'm not going to lie, there's someone I'd really love to offer some cruel words to, and that definitely gets the better of me sometimes. I've really been trying to focus in those moments, and I'm pretty happy!

        Keep up the fabulous work, you guys! I know you all can take hold of your emotions, and make your lives your own! Remember to be grateful.

Day One of 30 Day Happiness Challenge: My Experience

       Hey all! So, I was asked by a couple of you to regularly keep track of my experiences and share any helpful insights I might earn on here, as a method of aiding you! Of course, I'm more than willing to do that, and I'm very excited to share with you how it's been!

       Blessings:

        By far, my friends! I have so many, and it's easy to forget that. With all of the memories I've made in the past three years though, I have to count them all as blessings. I'm so truly grateful for the laughs, the adventures, the love, the support, and the strength we've all offered one another. Some family is by blood, but this family is the best choice I've ever made. Another of course, is my cat. That little intuitive fur ball knows exactly what I need. I'm grateful for the many resources I have, be it my makeup, my laptop, my bed, my food, etc. I have so many things that make my life easier, and I'm glad to live such a privileged life. I'm grateful for my talents and passions, which take me exactly where I need to go. Most of all, I'm grateful for the experiences this life has brought me. My twenty years has already taught me so much about who I am, what I want, what my role in the universe is, and I can only imagine how much more I'll come to know as time passes. There's so much to learn in this world, so much to experience. We learn basic lessons like we don't heartbreak, we love to serve, nothing feels better than genuinely expressing gratitude and love, ketchup wasn't met for macaroni and cheese (fight me if you think otherwise!), etc. We always learn in the best ways for us. What a magical life we all live!

       How Day One Went:

       So, I expected better of myself, but I'm not mad! I caught myself mentally kind of going to more powerless/angry/disappointed places, but it wasn't in vain. I'd catch myself there, and I'd say "we can think that thought in about 30 days. For now, let's ease up on that gas pedal and head down this other way", and I let it go. There's something so comforting in knowing that I have the power to choose my thoughts. We fall into habits, but habits were made to be broken! I'm grateful for my ability to be present enough to choose a higher thought. 

       When I'm on the brink of sleep is usually when my anxieties set in. That's when I get a lot of "I'll never be able to do this", "I wish this was different", "This is the only thing I've ever regretted," etc. For a little while, I'd been so stuck in that feeling, I was scared I wasn't going to be able to think another happy thought for a long, long time. Like, we're talking weeks. That said, I offered up a kind of meditation, saying "I completely surrender this. I surrender these thoughts, I surrender my attachment to negative feelings and experiences, I give them all up. I want to be happy. I want to feel content." To give up on feeling negative feelings and choose to just feel better is a welcomed, relieving moment. 

       What Day One Taught Me:

       I gained a firmer understanding of how much control we have over our thoughts and attitudes. I could have skipped out on a lot of fun and pursued my feelings of pure exhaustion after a segment of people time, but instead I pursued a higher feeling of love and friendship that led to a night filled with laughter! Due to my initial struggle to get things under control, I also realized that just because we aren't getting everything perfect at first doesn't mean we have to give up. I tend to have two settings: High angst perfectionist, or completely aloof apathy. To be able to take things as they are and just be satisfied with my best, that was a big step in the right direction for me! 

       One of my goals for this experience was to feel my own power return to me. I wanted to be reminded of how formidable I was, to remember that I move my own mountains. Flashes of that has come back, and it's exciting! 

       Mantras and Reminders I've Used

       "Just trust. Juuuuuust trust. Everything is going to be fine. Just trust."

       "We don't need to think about that right now, all it's doing is stressing us out. Let's calm down and think about something else." (Yes, I grew up with siblings in such a manner that even my inner monologue speaks in "we's" instead of "I's"!) 

       "This movie makes me happy...and so does this show...so does my cat...so do my friends..." AKA just trying to figure out where to go to get to higher land.

       "You don't need to get there instantly, you just need to get there."

       "Every moment spent like this is a moment spent well."

       My Tips to Struggling Participants

       So far, all I can really say is try and learn how to stay present, and choose to be in control of yourself. No one can make you angry, you choose to react that way to certain stimuli. You can turn it around as soon as you want to! More importantly, don't give up! It's early on in the game, you probably have a lot of negative habits to break (I know I do). Relax, and just take it one day at a time. Just because it's called "30 Day Challenge" doesn't mean it only can last 30 days, and that doesn't mean it has to be a challenge! If the going gets rough, just count your many lucky stars.

       Every moment spent choosing to be loving or grateful is another moment you've grown stronger, and another moment you've grown closer to your goal! Anyone can do this, especially you!

       I'm so grateful for you all! I'm here to help! Remember to take note of all of the many blessings/lucky coincidences/whatever else you want to call them, as regularly as possible! If you need any help getting into a positive thought space, or figuring out what to do, you can certainly ask me! Thanks for all of your love, support, and enthusiasm!

The 30 Day Happiness Challenge

       What it is:

       With all of the craziness happening in everyone's lives, I think we all could use a little rejuvenation of the mind and soul. It's so easy to get caught up in the many disasters we're dealing with in the world, but progress comes from a more positive mindset. 

      With this challenge, you're not turning a blind eye to the many issues of the world. Happiness is not synonymous with denial. 

      ^This is not what anyone would ever suggest doing.

       Instead, you focus on what's going right. Focus on what you can be grateful for. Then take it to the next level, and meditate on feelings as if you're the happiest person in the world. Think about what it would be like to have all of your dreams come true. 

       Let me break it down for you. Do's:

-Acknowledge/make time to follow your passions. If an idea pops into your head like "gosh, I'd really just like to veg out and watch a funny show", do that! You never know when inspiration will hit, and following your happiness will only lead to more inspiration.

-Monitor your thoughts. If you catch yourself thinking "Man, X really sucks" change it to "I feel really great about Y!" In other words, if you're finding yourself in a situation that's making you sad, depressed, irritated, etc. and absolutely can't find one good thing about it, change your attention to something that makes you happy until you're out of the funk. 

-Give yourself some space. If there's something that's been weighing really heavily on your mind, whether it's something urgent and stressful, or something that just makes you anxious, give yourself a break. Say "I'll deal with that when I'm ready" and try to relax and have fun. A lot of the time, we get so stuck in a panic, it's like our brains are cramping up! If we relax our minds and go somewhere else for a bit, we'll be able to find the inspiration to look at the situation differently, and find a solution we're comfortable with. 

-Spread the positivity! If you're feeling down on yourself, find something to compliment others on, or help them out in some way!

-Feel gratitude. Be grateful for everything that went right today, thank your friends and family for being so good to you or helping you make wonderful memories. Maybe even feel grateful about great things that are on their way to you! Just feel gratitude. 

       Don'ts:

-Don't halt happy thoughts in their midst. I catch myself doing this a lot! I stop a happy thought because I want to be "realistic". But really, that happy thought could have led somewhere. Allow the good vibes to flow.

-Don't give into jealousy, hopelessness, fear, pain, etc. You are in charge of how you feel and you can react however you want to to the things that happen in life. 

-Don't give up, on yourself or anyone/thing else. 

-Don't neglect yourself.

       The activity:

       So, what you're going to do during this challenge is:

Day 1: Write down something(s) you want to accomplish. Do you want a better job, to earn the best grades, to get along with others better...? Write it down in a "by the end of these 30 days I will have accomplished ____". Then write about why it's possible. I'll use mine for demonstration:

       By the end of these 30 days, I will have written something life changing. This is possible, because when I'm feeling happy, my creative juices flow more and I notice that incredible things happen with hardly any warning, and I accomplish crazy-awesome things!

       After this, write down all of the positive thoughts that come to you, anything that feels good, like "I've already accomplished so much," "I've had so many wonderful moments in my life, I know it can happen again," "incredible things have always happened to the most ordinary people," "if nothing else, I deserve to be happy". 

Day 2-29: You can choose to write every day, or every five days depending on what feels best to you. In these entries, you don't necessarily have to focus on where you are in proximity with your goal. However, you should take this time to reflect on how your mood has improved and any "tender mercies" or exciting happenings, or why you're grateful. 

Day 30: Reflect on how much you've grown. What happened during this challenge? Did you get on track to reach your goal, have you noticed yourself relying on your intuition a little more, have your thought patterns shifted, has your life changed? Write all about it, and don't forget the gratitude! And of course, share your progress with others!

       A grateful heart leads to an accomplished soul! In my experience, all of my best progress has come when I was trusting, happy, confident, and grateful. The best friendships I've ever formed, greatest books I've ever written, and my favorite miracles have appeared all when I was expecting great things, and allowing myself to live in my own space. I hope you experience something similar!

      Another huge thank you to my readers! You make my world go round. Share the happiness and keep making this world a better place! Love to you all!

Be Alive

       Firstly, I offer my sincerest gratitude to all of my readers! So many of you are people I've never met personally, and it blows my mind that you're here so often, reading my words and sharing them with your friends. Writing is my life, and it validates me even further to see that I'm producing something that is actually helpful or inspiring to someone! Absolutely blown away. Thank you!

       Lately, there's been a lot of negativity to be found. Many women have stepped out and identified themselves as victims of sexual harassment/assault, an important step for everyone involved. There's been scandal after scandal pertaining to the guy living in the whitehouse. In my personal life, I've been progressively sicker and sicker, acknowledged the 5th anniversary of the suicide of my dearest best friend, and have had to say some incredibly hard goodbyes. I can only imagine that you all have also had some trying times recently. So, I felt moved to share my silver lining with you all.

      Feel it out

       I think it's important to point out that we all have permission to hurt. Feel it out! Suppression only feeds. Secrets, pain, these things only grow when stuffed in the dark. When life happens and you experience loss, heartbreak, fear, disappointment, anxiety, hopelessness, etc feel it. Take your time to mourn. This is your life, these hard moments were bring depth and complexity to our lives that in the long run benefits us, even when we can't see that at first. 

       We are meant to experience contrast, to make choices, to overcome, to learn, to help, and most importantly, to live and thrive. Call things by their names. For example, I said a goodbye that made me face my current situation a little too head-on. I was overcome with feelings of desperation, guilt, fear, and heartbreak of all sorts. I think that was the first time my best friend ever saw me cry! It was a very, very hard few days. I don't typically feel comfortable acknowledging pain. I'm completely unbreakable, but I'm absolutely bendable, and I really do hate bending. This time, instead of pushing it aside and ignoring the pain, I confessed, and I reached out for help from the only person who could do so. 

       It took me a few days to get okay. Night one was me bawling. I had to be alone for a bit to completely lose my crap. I'm talking some lifetime movie crying. I didn't believe people ever actually cried that way. Then I texted my homegirl, told her what was going on, and she came over and just kept me company. Being around her, I didn't try and pretend that I wasn't okay, or use her presence as motivation to suppress anything. Instead, I just let life do what it needed to do, and took comfort in her ability to soothe me. When we went to bed, I cried it out some more, poked and prodded emotionally to see what I could stand to think about or do or listen to, and I respected my limits, and eventually fell asleep. 

      Progression 

       The next day, pertaining to this particular pain in my life, I did a little better. I couldn't stand to listen to music or watch movies, except I could listen to some classical and podcasts. So, I let the podcasts and music fill the silence and I cuddled my cat, Tupac, a lot. There was still a lot of crying, a lot of hurting, a lot of very real agony. I made myself eat and drink and take care of myself as far as the basics are concerned, but I still respected my space. I didn't want to talk to or see anyone but my best friend, and it was fine. That night, it was a little easier to fall asleep, but I could only stand rain sounds. Pain turns us into odd little ducks. 

   

      I won't walk you through what everyday was like specifically, but I will tell you one critical detail: I desperately wanted to be happy and powerful again. I wanted to be more powerful than I was before this whole ordeal had happened. It was so important not only that I stand up again, but that I run faster than ever before (this is the only time you will ever hear me saying anything about running with a positive connotation). So, I went out of my way to take care of myself in ways I'd previously been too distracted to. I let the warm water run on me in my pitch black bathroom and ran warm cloths filled with peppermint oil over my forehead and watched funny videos in my comfy bed and spent an abundance of time with Tupac and cleaned up my many playlists on spotify, and just took care of me. As I continued to take care of me, I continued to heal. 

       The podcasts I focused on all talked about the power of positive thinking, which played a critical part in getting me to quit beating the old drum of heartbreak and start playing the tune of triumph. When we get in dark or painful places, I can't express how important it is to turn our attention to positive, constructive ideas. Ideas filled with self-love, hope, and practical advice for getting your crap together filled my head thanks to the many wonderful philosophers out there working towards spreading positivity in the world. This all paired with the help of an amazing personal support system made mountains move. 

       If you want to make progress, you have to move. Move at your own pace, take it hour to hour or day to day or minute to minute, whatever feels best to you. Do not push yourself more than is necessary. Become your own mother inside your head, show yourself gentleness and compassion, be patient with yourself. Love is a positive emotion, show it to yourself.
       It's important to allow yourself to receive love and joy. Just because something terrible has happened or you've been negatively impacted by anything doesn't mean you don't have permission to experience happiness. You're also allowed to be doing stupendously one day, and regress the next. Progress is never linear, and it's okay to handle things like a human. You were not put on this planet to be an emotional convenience to everyone you meet, you came to learn and experience. Don't abandon your life's mission out of paranoia about what others must be thinking about you and your circumstance. Allow, allow, allow!

      Feeling better

       I'm not admitting this, you're absolutely not reading this, but if you could see me right now, I'm a nightmare! I'm blaring my music, which is all high-vibe music. I'm absolutely writing this on my bed, and I'm kind of dancing. I don't dance, but I'm smiling and loving the music and writing and feeling gratitude somethin' strong, and life is so good. I've come a long way since shrieking on my bedroom floor honestly terrified that I was going to cry so hard my inflamed lungs weren't going to be able to keep up. Did I dance with my cat to "Hair" by Little Mix? Absolutely. Did it feel, in the moment a few nights ago, like I'd ever be able to do that again? Of course not. 

       The secret to feeling better again is making the choice to. I'm still caring for myself, I'm keeping a close eye on my emotions, my heart still feels a little tender. I haven't asked myself to move on or get over anything or to stop feeling pain. That said, I'm choosing to raise my vibrations and make memories and enjoy the moment and embrace the love I'm surrounded by, because honestly, that's all I can do! Truly, I gain nothing by laying on any given flat surface in fetal position crying over the past, and I gain everything by dancing to the newer Taylor Swift music and accidentally realizing I freaking love my butt and being moved by how much I absolutely adore myself. Damn, I'm awesome! So, I'm sitting here testing myself. Am I ready for pop/hip-hop/indie music? Can I stand to talk to more people? Do I have the energy for this, that, and the other thing? I step out of my comfort zone and see how I do with those things, and I see I'm still pretty happy, and I just keep a forward momentum. 

       Something to keep in mind

       Where you are now is the consequence of the past. Tomorrow is not responsible for what you did yesterday. The pain that you might be experiencing is the result of past decisions. It's all a past life. There's really nothing else it can do to your current reality anymore. Take this for what it is. While you're feeling whatever you're feeling, figure out what you'd rather be feeling. Then, figure out how to get there, and do that! I don't like feeling desperate, I'd rather feel powerful. I can't control other people, but I can control me. For me, feeling powerful meant being able to write coherently and have a good time. I figured out what I had to do, got patient with myself, and got there. I listened to people I perceived as powerful, I embraced their work, I embraced my work, I focused on producing and I chose to risk having fun over being exhausted. It worked, and now I'm not even bothered by the last five days. 

       Every situation and every person is different, but what doesn't change is the fact that we have power over the future. You choose whether or not you're headed for a great time or a devastating blow. Open yourself only to progress, happiness, authenticity, and accomplishment. Never accept anything else as the answer. It's okay that you lost focus in the past, take this moment to refocus.

       You are powerful. You're a force to be reckoned with. Celebrate yourself, celebrate life, celebrate the lives you've been able to count as friends, and reach towards joy at every moment. You always have that option, regardless of circumstance. You've got this.

      Another huge thanks to my readers! I'm so, so grateful for my audience. The things I post come from my heart, and to be contacted by friends and strangers alike and hearing that I've helped them learn or have inspired progress in them absolutely warms my heart. Thank you for always reaching out, sharing your thoughts, and meeting me with gratitude. 

       

Me, Too.

       What it is.

       A number of people are posting "Me, too" as their status to bring awareness of sexual assault/harassment. These people are victims of one form or another of these crimes, ranging from girls getting fondled by peers in middle school, to date rape, etc. There's a variety of experiences out there, and I (as you should be, too) am simply heart broken, yet not surprised at the high volume of victims that I have in my social circle. It seems nearly everyone has experienced it. 

       What it isn't. 

       This movement of awareness is not an invitation for you to ask for details on what happened for them. This is not them inviting you into their trauma, it is to make you aware that it exists. This is not a cry for attention for themselves, but rather a way of calling attention to the issue. This has nothing to do with them as individuals, and everything to do with the trouble in our society.

       So many have opened up and identified themselves, yet still there are those who have experienced it and can't find the strength to say anything. To those who can not acknowledge the pain they've faced, I believe I speak for us all when I say we see you, we are here for you, we are pulling for you, we support you, and we love you. No one owes anyone their story, no one is entitled to your personal life. 

       What we hope to see.

       Again, I believe I speak for us all when I say we want to see improvement. We want to see progress. We want to see boys being able to speak up about their trauma without their "manhood" coming into question, we want to see young children going about their days worrying less about their bodies and more about the worlds they are currently building. I want to see my sisters on this planet walking down the street or from their car to their destination without having to turn their keys into makeshift weapons. I want to see my brothers on this planet treating themselves and others with respect. I want to see all of us being able to experience life without being told that where we are a victim we are at fault, or being pressured into becoming monsters. I want open minds and active hearts, and most of all, safe bodies. 

       What you can do.

       Question the way you were raised, both by society and in your family. Admit when something was toxic or divisive, and then don't perpetuate it. Listen when others open up to you. Acknowledge the role you've played, either as victim or assailant, and get the help you need to correct it. Apologize where necessary, heal what needs healed. Learn and expand your mind, see that there are multiple forms of abuse. Above all else, love those who surround you, and engage in the learn-teach dynamic we have in our society today. 

      Remember...

      You are not the dictator of what qualifies as traumatic, hurtful, or abusive towards another person. Some people lose all sense of safety from being groped repeatedly in the hallways. Others will have their worlds shaken in different ways. You don't get to decide whether that person has a right to be hurt or not. You can not know in the way that they do what they've experienced. Your job is to listen and show compassion when someone loves and trusts you enough to open up. 

       You should never feel ashamed or afraid to talk about your experiences. These sorts of things thrive in the shadows of secrecy. Name it, call it what it is, own your story, and heal it. You have within you what it takes to overcome any obstacle that comes your way, and you can become strong. 

       My heart goes out to everyone who is participating in the "me, too" event, both vocally and silently. We are all brothers and sisters in this, and I am so, so grateful for those who go out of their ways to heal and nurture. I offer my time to listen to those who need to speak. May healing and loving vibrations find you all, wherever you may be. It is my earnest desire that you will all make the most of your situations and experiences. 

Surviving a Best Friend's Suicide, 5 Years Later

       I want to talk about how wonderful Kati Rene Giannetto was. She was my support and my strength, the most loyal friend there ever was. This girl was the bravest woman I'd ever met, and the only other person I've ever met who's as passionate and free as I am. She knew what she wanted, and she'd go after it. She had the biggest heart, I mean the biggest heart. Kati would have fought the hulk if he'd looked at me sideways. Selfless, smart, hilarious, charismatic, open hearted, loyal, beautiful, thoughtful, this girl had it all. Truly, our friendship had been my solace and I will never have the words to express how loved she is, and how important her friendship still is to me.

       On this day, exactly 5 years ago, Kati posted something eerie on her facebook page. I don't remember how it began, but I remember it ending with "I love you all". I panicked immediately, and resented the fact that I'd just spent the last few hours napping when clearly my best friend had been scared and sad and alone. I called her, she didn't answer. I texted her asking if she was okay. She replied with what would be her last text to me ever, "No."

       I was never really okay again after that. Emotionally, I had no idea how I was supposed to react. Part of me hadn't processed it. I still think I'm waiting for her to call me up with some details on a date sometimes. I felt like there was a date due on when I was supposed to be over it, like I'd be allowed a week to mourn and then I had to get it together. I didn't know if being sad about it was making it about me, I didn't know if talking about it was exploiting what was really a tragedy that belonged to her. I was so hurt, I didn't know how to mourn, and I wanted her to come back. I still want her to come back.

       The process I went through

        One of the many blessings she brought into my life was a boy, whom at the time I wasn't dating, but ended up changing my life in every manner possible. He was (honestly, always will be) my rock.I could cry to him, confess my guilt, bear my soul to him, and he was so loving and supportive. We showed each other the true nature of our souls in that dark age, and I was grateful for that resource. 

       Let me make it clear, you never get over the death of a loved one. There's never a time you will forget them, the life and death of your loved ones will never become trivial. You can try and block out the pain, I know that there was a moment I was going to try really hard not to acknowledge that it ever happened. But truly, this is not something you can leave behind you, nor are you required to. 

       While I lost a chunk of my soul that day, I eventually came to the conclusion that I wanted to live the kind of life she'd be proud of, instead of wanting to die and join her. I was engaged to the boy she'd introduced me to, I was doing well in school, I just had to keep that will to live together and keep chugging along. I never ran out of tears, and I regularly ask her what she would do in certain situations, or how I got myself into those situations. There's many moments where I give an exasperated sigh and say, "Kati, call me, I'm dying." I wish she could have been here with me for so many moments, I wish I could have seen how her life could have panned out, too. All that said, dedicating my life to making it something she'd be happy to see really got the momentum running in the direction it needed to. 

       What I want to tell you

       If nothing else, I hope all of my readers know that they are allowed to mourn. I want them to know that they have every right to hurt for as long as they will. It's okay to feel loss, it's okay to bawl. It's not selfish to want them back. You're not distracting from the tragedy or disrespecting the dead by expressing to others how hurt you are and how terribly you miss them. Take your time, feel everything, experience it. This is life, it hurts sometimes, and suppression only makes it worse. 

      To others, I want what Kati and I went through to be an example. She didn't feel like life was worth living, and she passed away. I, myself, have been depressed for as long as I can remember and have survived a couple of suicide attempts. However, feeling the pain of her loss was sobering. In my darkest moments, I thought about that boy she'd introduced me to and how terribly off he'd be if he had to experience that with me. I could never do that to him. My heart hurts so much for Kati. I miss her so much I don't have adequate words to describe. She didn't believe anyone would miss her, and I'm sure many of my readers have had similar thoughts before. Let this be evidence that depression is a liar. Let this be a testament that everyone is loved. 

        I plead with everyone who reads this to reach out to those whom you're close with, as well as those with whom you've fallen out of connection with. Tell them how you feel, love boldly. Check in with each other, do what you can to help, and be honest with those who genuinely love you. 

        To my best friend Kati, I wish you could read this. I wish you could have held my heart in your hands and felt how loved you are. If I'd have been there, if I could have done anything, I would have. When I was told that your organs were failing, and you were dying, I genuinely would have given you my body to take instead. I love you so dearly, and I hope you're proud of me, wherever you are. I hope I still do enough to honor you and your memory. 

        Should anyone need it, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255

these are resources available if you're struggling with suicidal thoughts/depression. If you're on that edge, I say give it a try. What's one more moment? 

       Thank you for all of the love and support I've received, and all of my love and gratitude to those who continue to honor Kati and keep her memory alive.